Link of the Wild
by ArkSong
Summary: Link of the Wild is finally here! Filled to the brim with laughs, pain, violence and death and super fun happy times and slippery fish love, join Link on an adventure of great breadth (HA. HA). This is a humorous novelisation of Breath of the Wild, with a fair bit o' violence n' romance n' stuff thrown in. Also MIPHA. How can it be bad? So come on down for an adventure! Yay!
1. Chapter 1: A Rude Awakening

Link of the Wild: Chapter 1

Link had been having a rather nice dream when a protrusive and irritating voice chiselled its way into his thoughts.

 _Link.  
Link.  
LINK.  
Open your eyes. _

Naturally, he ignored it. This, however, did nothing to abate it. _  
Wake up.  
Come on you lazy swine!_

"N-nyghh, just a few more minutes…" The boy drawled as he shifted in his water bed.

 _It's been twelve bloody months!_

Hang on… water bed? No, there was literally water _in_ his bed. That couldn't be right.

"What in Hyrule?" Link grumbled as he rubbed his eyes and sat up. Around him was some kind of chamber, the walls decorated in what looked like stone-chiselled intestines. He currently lay in something that reminded him a little of the bottom half of a coffin. The water inside was draining, but he was still wet. How annoying.

 _Link! Oh for crying out loud, get up already._

"I am! Geez, for a disembodied voice you sure are annoying."

 _Just be thankful I'm not a fairy telling you there's something strange about death mountain._

"What?"

 _Now, get your punk ass out of this chamber by grabbing that stone tablet out of the holder thing._

Link glanced up, saw a raised dais with a small rectangular object on it. He stood up, a little unsteady on his feet, and walked slowly to it.

 _Yes, that. We call it a Sheikah Slate._

"Right. And so I just… take it?"

 _Indeed. Oh, excuse me, I've got to go fire a laser beam at Ganon._

"Who?" Link asked, but it was to empty air. Whoever was behind that voice had gone, leaving him in this strange new place to fend for himself. Just like his parents did.

The dais made a clicking sound, and a few mechanical joints moved, twisting and turning the Sheikah Slate until it pointed towards him. Link took it, and a door he hadn't seen before opened in front of him. Without bother to question it, he jogged out into another room full of wooden crates and barrels and… chests!

Link spent the next few minutes breaking the barrels. When he was finished, he reluctantly moved to the chests, giving them a good kick. It hurt, but the container burst open to reveal… some pants. The old trousers were threadbare in spots, and the legs were quite short. At this point Link realised he wasn't actually wearing much; just some cool blue skin-tight swimming trunks. The only problem was that they were still a little wet, and his raging morning wood poked out like an obscene branch from a lusty tree. Link quickly removed the wet garment and put on the trousers. After grabbing the old shirt, he ran over to another door.

 _I'm back. Right, now hold your Sheikah Slate up to the pedestal thing. That will… uh… hang on._

There was the sound of some rustling, as if someone was reading a script.

 _Ah hah!_ *Ahem* _Hold the Sheikah Slate up to the pedestal. That will show you the way._

Link shrugged and tapped the pedestal with his slate. The door grumbled, then cinematically opened, revealing glorious bright light.

 _Link, you are the light._

"Huh? No, that's the light over th-"

 _Shut up, and save Hyrule. It's been a very boring century._  
Link got out of there.

Well, he tried to. Unfortunately, there was a small cliff blocking his way.

"Ah well, I tried." He shrugged.

 _Climb it you dimwit._

"Of course!" It was at this point Link realised he was absolutely fantastic at climbing. He scaled the wall in two shakes of a squirrel's tale, and run out into the glorious, fresh wild. It was magnificent, and Link imagined inspiring music playing as he looked to some giant volcano in the distance, and then to a weird temple thing, and then to- an old man? Ew. Link decide to skip the old man and admire the forest off to the east instead.

Running forward, he decided he would need a weapon should the old man try and molest him. He picked a stick up off the ground and gave it a few experimental waves. Then he tried it against a tree. It immediately broke.

"Bother. Turns out things actually break."

 _It's the Giant's Knife all over again._

"Hey, I thought you were going to leave me alone now."

 _I know, but to be honest it's pretty dull up here. Anyway, hurry up and head to the point marked on your Sheikah Slate._

"Fine, fine."

Link made his down the small path, but stopped in his tracks when he saw a tree. And not just any tree… an apple tree!

"Oh boy!" Link cried as skipped up to it and tried to grab an apple. Unfortunately, they were too high up, and try as he might the tree was too small to climb. Link's stomach grumbled as he realised just how hungry he was, and so the delicious aroma of a baked apple caused his mouth to start drooling, and he turned in an almost hypnotised manner towards a small cooking pot. Beside it lay a fantastic browned apple, and Link didn't even think of hygiene as he wolfed it down.

"I BEG YOUR PARDON DEAR SIR! I do very so believe that is my baked apple! You can't just go about taking it whenever you very well please!"

"Oh no!" Link cried. The old man had ambushed him with tasty treats! Link tried to grab his stick, but the man was still talking so he was frozen on the spot.

"Oho ho!" The man laughed in a creepy, grumbly way. "Forgive me – I could not resist pulling your leg."

Link rubbed his leg. Just the thought of the old man's crooked, hairy fingers running over his innocent leg made him shiver.

"Eat it, eat it! An apple and an open flame make for a _succulent_ treat."

"Who _are_ you!?" Link cried.

"Me? I'll spare you my life story. I'm just an old fool who has lived here, alone, for quite some time now. I must say… I enjoy your companionship. It's so very… _succulent._ But what brings a bright-eyed – and dare I say _handsome_ – young fellow such as yourself you to a place like this?"

Link blanched at the man's second use of the word succulent, but took the opportunity to ask exactly where they were.

"Ah. I shall tell you." The man uselessly said. "This is the Great Plateau. According to legend, this is the..." Link dozed off a little as the man droned on, and eventually the old coot stood, nodding to the temple in the distance. "That structure there… long ago it was the site of many sacred ceremonies. Ah, the circumcisions we would perform there, and the sacrificial – uh… never mind. Anyway, a convenient 100 years ago it was abandoned. And that is neither here nor there, because it plays very little part in the rest of this adventure."

Link looked at the man in confusion, but decided he didn't really care and would rather just get out of here. But then he noticed a torch - or, as he saw it, a perve-whacker. When he took it, the man turned to him again. "Well, just help yourself to that torch there then. And how, may I ask, are you planning to use it?"

"To set you on fire!" Link cheered.

"That is rather… unnerving. Please be cautious with that around any dry grass."

Link shrugged, and ran over to the fire, lighting the torch. However, when he turned around to brandish it at the man, he saw only an empty chair. He was gone!

A little further down the path, Link saw something much more up his alley. An axe! Running over to the nearby apple tree, he cut it down with two swift chops and grabbed the tasty fruit. Popping over to the fire, he threw them in, and watched as they burned away to nothing. "Bother… there must be a secret here." He cut down another apple tree, ignoring the screams of nature, and threw them in. This time, he took them when a little puff of smoke emerged. "Ah hah! A baked apple!"

Very proud of himself, Link continued down the path, determined not to be distracted by any more-

"Oh look! A cute little goblin!" Link giggled, skipping over to the red weirdo. He quickly realised it wasn't so cute after all, as the thing screamed and started running toward him. "Peaches and cream!" Yipped Link, and in a desperate move he threw the axe at the goblin. It broke immediately, but not before lodging deep inside the thing's skull, spurts of red blood bursting out. "Ew. That's pretty gross." Link frowned as he took the goblin's club.

 _It's called a bokoblin, Link._

Link didn't care. He was too busy ripping off the thing's horns and teeth. Then he continued along the path, only stopping to vandalise a nearby piece of ancient history by tearing out a gear.

A little further down, Link saw a massive skull and wisely concluded there were dangerous things lurking in there. So of course he headed over. The unnerving shelter was populated by numerous red and grey bokoblins, including one standing on a small platform holding a bow.

Sneaking up, he ascended the ladder and gave the goblin a hard smack. It went flying and hit the ground with a great big _snap_. Link didn't care, he had a bow now.

"Hrm." Link wondered aloud. He could see multiple barrels of TNT inside, and conveniently placed lanterns just above. "I wonder..."

He aimed, and with incredible accuracy snapped the rope holding the lantern clean off. It fell, ignited the barrels, and everything exploded. Bits of bokoblin went flying everywhere, and one poor little guy came running out on fire, screaming in agony, before it fell to the ground, twisting and turning, trying to put the fire out with little success. It soon succumbed to the flames, and Link laughed.

Then suddenly everything went black for a second as a spiked club whopped into his head. He crumpled to the ground, barely scrambling up in time as another bokoblin – this one sporting stripes that looked a little like war paint – went for another swing. It was still on fire, but so was its club, and that meant…

Link screamed as he realised he was on fire. He did a little dance, dodging the striped bokoblin's strikes, then rolled on the ground to put out the fire. He was in a lot of pain right now. Streams of blood were running from the side of his head where one of the club's spikes had impaled him. When the bokoblin went for another strike, Link ran forward, grabbed his torch, and hammered away at the animal, not stopping until it was well and truly knocked out. Then he grabbed the animal's club and continued bashing it to a bloody pulp, staining the grass a nice shade of red.

Link sat down, exhausted and sore. He was having trouble thinking properly, and everything was a little blurry.

 _Eat some food, Link_.

"What? Are you crazy? I need a doctor."

 _Trust me._

"Trust the voice in my head telling me to do strange things?"

 _Yes._

"… Fine." Link took out a baked apple and bit into it. He immediately felt better, so he ate another one. Bringing a hand to the side of his head, he realised the wound had closed up. This was amazing! A skill that could come in very useful…

Once at the place he was meant to be (smashing the hell out of another bokoblin who held a shield he wanted on the way) he found another dais. Placing the Sheikah Slate on it, he yelled out in fright as a tremendous tremor broke out.

Everything went black.

Also birds flew away and a squirrel was startled.

When Link woke up, he found himself on a great big tower. He went to grab the Sheikah Slate back, but a giant rock above it was too busy giving it a drip of its thick blue essence. When it was done, Link realised he had been given a map. However, before he could look at it…

 _Try to remember._

"Remember what?"

 _The… uh, I dunno. But it's about Gannon._

"Who _is_ that? Everyone keeps mentioning him."

 _Look to the north._

Link looked to the North. "All I can see is grass, sky, and a giant beast surrounding a castle with its purple death sludge."

 _That's the one._

"Oh." Link looked around. Just what he was meant to do now?

 _Get down._

Of course! Link prepared to jump off the tower.

 _Using the steps, you fool._

Link used the steps. They were quite far apart, and by the time he was done, he needed another apple to repair the bone damage. When he reached the ground, he heard someone yell "Hoe!"

"Oh no! That creepy old man is trying to make me his-" Before Link could finish, the man dropped out of the sky, using a weird tiny paraglider thing.

"Link, towers just appeared everywhere! Which you'd know, since you just came down from one. Hrm… did anything _strange_ happen while you were up there?"

"I saw some sky."

"And..?"

"Some grass."

"And..?"

"Uh…"

"How about a voice?"

"Oh, yeah, I guess."  
"And did you recognise it?"

"Nope. Just some chick."

"Hrm… alright. Anyhoo, I see you've also met Calamity Ganon. How do you feel about heading over there and stopping him?"

"I suppose." Link sighed.

"Oh good. Now, we're trapped on a plateau here. The only way down is if you had a paraglider like mine."

"Paraglider?"

"Ooh! _Peaked_ your interest now, have I? Well, I'll give it to you, but not for nothing. All you need to do is-"

"Nothing sexual."

"I- uh… that's not… how about a trade for, oh, I don't know, some spirit orbs instead."

"Fine. Just no touchy-touchy."

"Head over to that shrine thingo. You'll know what to do."

And so Link began his very first adventure, ready to pillage and plunder, and avoid sexy times with that weird old freak.

* * *

 **Yo my dudes. This is, like, the third edited version of this. I wrote this aaaaaages ago and since then I have developed this wierd but cool organ called a brain. It's still in its early stages, but I've got enough of it to realise just how awful the grammar, punctuation and general word use was. I so fixed it. Sorta.  
Anyway, this story was so much fun to write, so if I get around to it I'll revamp the other chapters and actually get around to making a new chapter! Woah!**


	2. Chapter 2: Fun with Metal

Upon activating his first ever shrine, Link was amazed to see some kind of moving platform contraption that took him down underground. He spent the next few minutes giggling and riding it back up, then back down, then back up, then back down, and then a large _zap_ rang out through the shrine and it began smoking. Link decided to stop playing with the contraption and move on into the shrine.  
A tubular bell and a deep, ancient voice sounded majestically.  
" _Bloody hell. Did someone just break the elevator?"  
_ "Uh… no. It just… stopped working."  
"...sure. W _ell anyway, welcome to my little shrine. I made it myself. With the help of seven hundred slaves, I mean. What do you think?"  
_ "It's… um… great." The décor on the wall reminded Link of intestines, or a really bad part-time craft enthusiast trying to emulate the look of slightly-off sausages. Everything was a pallid shade of blue or grey, and the harsh stone felt just a little drab. The weird hippy metallophone music playing through some sad speakers rigged on the walls didn't help either. All in all, Link only gave it 2 out of 5, and couldn't imagine spending more than four minutes in this strange place. At least there was only one of these. Right?  
...Right?

" _Now, back to business. To you who sets foot in this shrine, I am Oman Au Muani A Zimbana Kuku Makapaka Ni-"  
_ "Yeah, I get it."Link interrupted, and the voice just grunted and shut up. Our hero jogged over to another stone dais and waited for the stone to drip its aqueous substance onto his Slate. Then he took it back and checked out his upgrade; setting it to the mode with some kind of weird red U shape, he could see a replication of his environment on the view-screen. A red grid lay over everything, and the large metal rectangles in the middle of the floor (were they there before?) shone a strange reddish-pink hue. "Well, I assume this does something." Link wisely identified, and seconds later he was using the magnet to throw the metal doors all over the place.  
"This is amazing!"  
" _Can you just get on with it?"_ Oman Au Muani-something grumbled, and so Link shrugged and let go of the door… while it was high above him. The thing came down like a hammer, obliterating his spine. Fortunately, it _just_ managed to miss his head, and so instead he just ended up as a bloody mess of broken bones and torn flesh stuck below the door. "Mother of-" Was all Link managed before he vomited out a bit of lung.  
 _The food, Link!  
_ Of course! With his last remaining ounce of strength Link grabbed an apple that had rolled out of his pockets and shoved it down his throat, not even bothering to bite. Within seconds he felt stronger, and his vital organs reformed a little. However, it was hard what with being trapped under the door and all, and so he used the Slate to throw the door away. Two more baked apples and a raw Hylian shroom later he was back to normal, though he felt a little woozy. He just put it down to the shrooms.  
" _You… are an idiot."_ The voice laughed, but Link ignored it, gave to the door a hard kick, ate another shroom to soothe his toe, and continued on his way through the shrine.

After knocking away some more blocks, he came face to face with a peculiar creature. It looked a little bit like a stone turd with funny legs. Link went over to say hello, but before he was halfway there the thing shot him with a laser beam.  
"You little swine!" Link yelled as he batted out the flames, ignoring his singed chest. Using the magnet rune to grab a metal cube, he held it above the creature. "See how you like this!"  
The block bounced harmlessly off and fell into some water.  
"Bother." Link muttered and rushed forward with a traveller's sword he had picked up earlier. He wasn't quite sure how, but he managed to obliterate this miniature being of stone and cogs with a few swift hits. He came up close to get a better look, but it exploded in a fury of screws and blue light. Link swore as he jumped back, blinded, but somehow it had seemed to cause him no harm. Well, apart from the burnt hole in his chest, but that went away with a single shroom.

At this point, Link was out of food, but thankfully there were no more miniature death-machines blocking his way, and he soon found himself in front of the owner of the voice; a weird-ass skeleton monk wearing a fan. He moved toward the blue square that contained the creature and touched the Sheikah symbol on its front face, then screamed as shards of blue particle-things flew out, cutting his face and chest to ribbons of flesh. The monk chuckled.  
" _What an idiot. Anyway, you have the resolve of a hero. Well done and everything. I am a humble monk, blessed with amazing powers. With your arrival, my purpose in life is fulfilled. In the name of the goddess Hylia, please accept this spirit orb"_ The weird 'humble' freak shoved its hand into its own chest and ripped out an orb, ignoring the congealed clumps of black blood that burst out as well. Then he reached forward and threw it right _into_ Link, cracking his rib cage and bursting his heart. As Link lay dying, the monk grinned.  
" _May the goddess smile upon you."_ And with that, he melted into weird green particles and flew away, and Link found himself back outside the shrine. Despite its peculiar form of entry, the orb seemed to have healed him, because he now felt A-okay.

"Hoe!" A voice sounded from the north. The creepy old man dropped out of the sky once again, and moved close enough to Link that our concerned hero could smell his dirty white beard.  
"It seems you managed to get your hands all up and down and over a spirit orb. Well done! How do you feel about getting your hands all over my-"  
"I got the orb. Where's my paraglider?"  
"Ah, I encourage you to _slow down_ for a moment, my smoking hot friend." The man closed his eyes and breathed deeply for a moment. "The appearance of those tall, penetrating towers and the awakening of this deep, dark shrine…" He pointed at Link's groin.  
"My Sheikah Slate?"  
"Sure, that's what I was pointing at. Anyway, all of this is connected to that thing you carry on your very womanly hips."  
"I beg your pardon!?"  
"Your hips. They're ever so effeminate! So curvaceous and smooth, I just want to run my lips all over them!"  
"My hips are not womanly! They're just… broad. Like a man!"  
"A man's shoulders. Well, whatever. Anyway, I just wanted to-"  
"And another thing! I'm sick of people making me out to be all girly! I mean sure, I do like wearing women's clothing, and I've always wanted to be a female model wearing those hot Gerudo outfits they used to have at those underground fashion shows, but that doesn't make me girly!"  
"Hold on now my boy… you remember the Gerudo?"  
"The... who? No, sorry, that was just a plot-hole."  
"...Uh, right. "  
"Anyway, can I have that paraglider now?"  
"Let me finish! Now, there were these Sheikah people who built highly-advanced stuff like robots and shrines and elevators and gambling and debt and economic systems that were integrally racist and sexist, and they were renowned throughout their land, but their ancient technology disappeared long ago… or so it is said. It is interesting to think, however, that something like that survived all this time, hidden away in a shrine. Wink wink."  
Link gave him a blank look.  
 _He's referencing you.  
_ " _Oh,_ I see. Clever."  
"These shrines are tucked away in numerous places throughout the land. How about completing all 120 of them?"  
" _A hundred and twenty!?_ Not a chance."  
"Well anyway, there are still three more on this plateau. Bring me the treasure from each of those shrines, and then you can have my paraglider."  
"What!? That wasn't the deal."  
"Well, I suppose I changed my mind. I mean, you could always just touch my-"  
"Fine, I'll get your blasted orbs."  
"Bother."

And with that, Link set off in any direction other than the one with the creepy old man. Again.

* * *

 **And there we go! Another chapter down!  
I'm going to just brief over the next few shrines, just keeping in some of the fun bits. Like making food for the old man so that he can give you a shirt. So fun.  
Anyhoo, whoever it was that left me that nice comment and suggested some hip-play should know how they've gone and helped this story be that much more awkward. Thank you, person.  
As always, if you want to see something just give me a shout.  
Stay breathy, peeps!**

 **Edit: Like the other chapter, I gave this a quick edit. Not too much here, thankfully, aside from some general errors that _were_ my fault -**


	3. Chapter 3: Link vs the Plateau

Despite having only taken a few minutes, by the time Link reach his next shrine it had become nighttime. The moon above was nice and bright, the flowers practically glowed beneath the stars, and the bats and living skeletons broke most of Link's weapons. Thankfully, Link discovered that he was able to rip off the bokoblin skeleton's arms and smash them around with them, so he spent the next few hours having fun with that. Then he continued on, reaching some dilapidated ruins covered in rusted old guardian shells. Link began his routine vandalisation of them, happily pulling out cogs and screws and the like, until one particular guardian decided it wasn't too happy having its inner workings pulled out. I glowed a shade of blue and pink, screamed, and blew Link away with a single high-powered laser beam.  
"Holy Hyrule!" Link yelled as he rolled in the grass to put the flames out. Grabbing the arm off of a nearby stalkoblin or whatever the hell they were called, Link threw it with all of his might at the guardian. As one might expect it did very little, and when the machine began charging up another beam Link decided it might be time to get out of there. Using the ruins as cover, he ducked between alleyways and crevasses before finally reaching a large, cracked wall.  
"Bombs… I bet I could blow that away with bombs."  
 _Except you don't have any.  
_ "Well… yeah… bother. Now, where could I possibly find some bombs? It's not like they'd be in a shrine or anything… especially not this shrine, that would be incredibly cruel."  
 _Well…_

Link spent the next few minutes wondering how on earth he was going to get into that area. He tried throwing swords, throwing arms, using the guardian's laser beams, asking it super nicely… nothing would break the wall. It wasn't until he tried running head-first into the wall that he suddenly remembered his amazing special ability:  
"Climbing! I can climb!"  
 _But those are sandstone-smooth walls! How could you possibly climb that?  
_ "Don't ask me how, I just can." And indeed he did; it barely took him three seconds. Dropping down into the clearing of Ja Baij shrine, Link frowned, a little sad about just how easy that was. There was a bombable wall there that would generally take ages and lots of progression to clear, and yet he climbed it without a sweat.  
 _It's realistic!  
"_But having a wide country path with a single log that you couldn't bypass used to be _fun._ " Link grumbled.  
 _Well, whatever. Get on with the shrine.  
_ And so with that, Link headed into Ja Baij shrine, careful not to break the elevator this time.

o0o

Link was rather peeved to find the stone ejaculate the _bomb_ rune into his Slate. "Seriously!? How stupid!"  
 _Well, at least you have them now. Anyhoo, gotta go shoot another laser beam._

"Yeah yeah, have fun. Now, how do I use these?" Link succeeded in grabbing a bomb, but when he tried to throw it the bomb exploded, sending him crashing into the wall and frying his arms. Coughing blood, Link wolfed down a couple of shrooms, glad he had taken the time to gather some food before entering. He took out another bomb, and this time placed it down carefully by some bombable blocks. Stepping away, he did what he had before when he tried to throw it and the blocks exploded outwards. Dodging the rain of shrapnel, Link tried this a few more times until he was certain of the controls. Of the bomb, of course. Not controller controls, of course… that would be ridiculous!

The way the bomb's force had propelled him got Link thinking. Placing a bomb on the floor, he jumped over it and then detonated. Sure, his ass was literally set on fire, but he sailed up and over the walls of the shrine, landing directly in front of Ja Baij himself.  
 _"Wha-huh? How- That's not how you're meant to complete the shrine!"  
_ "Says who?"  
 _"Says me, and I created this shrine so you're gonna complete it how I say you're gonna complete it."  
_ "That's not fair!" Link whined, but the monk sent him back to the start so he could do it properly.

A couple of minutes later Link returned. "I hope your happy, stupid monk."  
"Deliriously so. Have an orb." It smashed into Link's chest, rupturing a kidney, but all was well when he appeared back outside. Giving the wall a good bomb, Link stormed off in the direction of the next shrine.

o0o

On his way, Link came by a cute little cottage. Stepping into the pleasant area, he immediately ransacked everything he could see, including an axe, a shroom, and a worryingly large amount of peppers. Once everything was stripped bare, he noticed a diary lying open on the table. Giving it a once over, he read all about the comforts of cooking, and a mysterious dish called "spicy meat and seafood fry." Pretty boring name really. He decided to call it "The Hot MEAT Plate."  
Below was a description detailing how it could keep people warm in cold temperatures, but Link didn't really care about that. It wasn't like he was going to need it, anyway.  
"Hello, darling."  
Link screamed and whipped around to find the old man leaning against the doorway, blocking his exit.  
"I see you've wandered into my little cabin..."  
"I… no I just..."  
"Ooh! Everything's gone! You've… you've _stripped_ it all _bare!_ "  
"I didn't mean to! I'll put everything back, I promise!"  
"Oh no, Linky syrup, a naughty boy must be punished for his sins!"  
Link screamed again and ran at the man with his axe. The man dodged left, slipping through the wall of the cabin, but Link was too terrified to notice. He kept running until he reached a cliff edge, the other side much too far to jump.  
"Liiiiiiink. I must show you my torch! It's long and thicc and really really warm!"  
Link swung wildly, hitting anything he could, but each time the man was just beyond reach. By coincidence, however, Link managed to cut a tree which fell down precisely along the canyon, and so Link jumped on and ran over to the other side, cutting it before the man could cross. "Take that, perve!" Link laughed, spitting on the ground. Then he turned and walked casually away, swinging his axe. The man wistfully watched Link's cute little butt move away and sighed. "One day, little bird. One day your wings will-" Link was thankful he was too far away to hear what the man was saying.

o0o

Link gulped as he looked up at the cliff. Is was certainly a large climb. Walking up to the edge, he nervously placed a hand against the stone, finding the hidden handholds and grooves he always did. Then he hoisted himself up, one handhold at a time, slowly ascending the edge. It didn't take long for him to run out of stamina, however, so he pulled himself up onto a small outcrop and flopped on the floor, breathing heavily. He was barely an eighth of the way up. "This is going to take forever!" He cried.  
 _What about your bomb trick?  
_ "I'm not allowed to use that anymore, Ja Baij said so."  
 _Well, then I'm out of ideas. Looks like you'll just have to be patient._  
And so what followed was half an hour of the most mind-numbingly boring climbing Link had ever experienced. To get an idea of what it was like, read the first five Harry Potter fanfictions you find and then write your own, backwards. Thankfully, however, Link was distracted for some of the climb thinking about who exactly this _Harry Potter_ was, and so time went a little quicker.

Once at the top, Link moved gratefully into the shrine, hoping this one would be nice and easy. He was, therefore, rather disappointed to see a confusing contraption with multiple stone balls rolling all over the place and lots of cogs and other crap. On the other hand, he was quite excited to see that he now possed the 'stasis' rune, which he decided was definitely his favourite. It would be the perfect defence against any old men he saw on the road.

He completed the shrine relatively quickly, and the monk was nice enough to just shove the orb into his chest without making a big fuss. Just for fun, however, as the monk was dispersing into the air Link cast stasis onto him. The monk's body froze, hanging in the air, and then the blue light in the shrine faded to black and the hippy music froze, becoming a long drawn out drone. The monk glitched, his face flashing up before changing into a twisted expression of immeasurable pain, and then everything started screaming and the lights began flashing and a low, electronic voice rang out; _"Major failure, all systems shutting down."  
_ Link blinked, and decided now would be a good time to leave. Running back through the shrine, he made it to the elevator just in time to turn around and see the monk explode into a thousand crusty old pieces. Blue fire sprang out, emerging from the walls and floor, and as the entire shrine began to burn Link tried moving the elevator but nothing was happening! He tried climbing up the shaft but for some reason, he couldn't climb these shrine walls, and just as he thought all hope was lost a great plume of blue fire burst up from underneath the elevator platform, shooting it and its rider up through the shaft and out of the shrine. Link catapulted through the air, glancing back as the entire shrine exploded, cracking open the cliff and causing a massive landslide, exposing wires and radioactive rods that would slowly poison the landscape for thousands of years.  
Link didn't care. He was too busy screaming as the air whipped by his face and the arc of his expulsion reached its highest point, and then he was falling down, down, down… heading right for the old temple in the centre of the plateau. Link desperately tried to think of something until, at the last second, he had an idea. Casting stasis on himself, he smashed down onto the spire of the building, but instead of being pierced onto the spire, the force was distributed down throughout the temple, building up in Link, and when his stasis ended he flew back into the air, propelled towards the tower, as behind him the temple shook, the ground beneath it cracking, before it broke into large chunks of ex-holy stone and crumbled to the ground, utterly demolished except for the goddess statue, which fell down in one piece. It wasn't until the stone began melting that blood sprayed out, and when the stone from the statue was gone, a very dead flesh-version of the goddess lay extremely dead on the floor. A few servants of the goddess flew down from the heavens to see what on earth was happening, but by this time Link had plunged down into the waters that lay in front of the tower, and so the servants just blamed it on a freak gas accident like they normally did and flew back up to resume their game of Hyrulian Whodunnit with the goddess herself.

o0o

A few hours after the rather surprising and not at all dull string of events that began with trying to freeze a monk in time, which in retrospect was a rather foolish persual, Link decided he'd better lay low. And what better way to do it than running into a forest screaming and shooting arrows at every animal in sight?  
...Which turned out to not be a very effective hunting style. The boars (which all looked the same, Link noticed) soon ran off and chasing them proved ineffective as they had the most curious habit of disappearing into thin air. After a half-hour or so of failed hunting, Link sat down in exhaustion. Seconds later, a boar wondered by. Link froze, and it didn't dawn on him until the boar began eating some grass that the animal was literally blind to him. Apparently crouching was an extremely effective mode of stealth.  
Pulling his bow out as quietly as he could, Link aimed at the boar's head and fired- and, accompanied by a small flash and sound of a violin string snapping, the creature did a backflip and exploded into a small chunk of meat. "Oh." Link grunted.  
 _Yeah, animals tend to do that around here.  
_ "But the beasts didn't..."  
 _Don't try and explain it._  
Grabbing the meat, Link went to put it in his pack when he noticed that the fish he had picked up earlier and peppers from the hut began gravitating towards it. He had a sudden flashback of reading a recipe somewhere about using meat, peppers, and fish to make…  
"The Hot MEAT Plate!" Link shouted as he grabbed the ingredients and tried mushing them together. Alas, they just rubbed against each other like two Zoras dry-humping. Or wet humping… Link wasn't too sure about terms. He also wasn't sure what Zoras were at this point in his adventures.  
 _Try cooking it.  
_ "Of course!" Link shouted again, scaring off a few birds. Throwing some wood on the ground, he looked around for fire. Unfortunately, he couldn't see any fire grazing in the wilderness, so he instead set his sights on a plume of smoke. "Because where there's smoke, there's flame!" Link grinned, running along.

Well, close enough. He could see a small fire blazing at a makeshift campsite, but that wasn't the cause of the smoke. The old man was sat by it, shaving his legs with a bokoblin tooth at such a fast pace that the hair ignited, causing great billows of smoke to rise into the air. Slightly disgusted by this latest, absurd turn of events, Link drew his bow and fired a shot directly at the man.  
The arrow went straight through the old creep's head and hit an innocent Bokoblin going about its business killing woodland creatures. The man looked up in surprise, halting his shaving, but Link had already ducked into a bush. "Right." He whispered. "I need to cook this dish without getting assaulted by the man."  
"By who?"  
"The ma- aaugh!" Link yelped as he jumped away from the man who had crouched by him.  
"I would never assault you, honeypot. I would only-"  
"Get away from me! I just want to cook some food!"  
"Some food? What food, exactly?"  
"My Hot MEAT Plate."  
"Hot Meat Plate?"  
"Hot _MEAT_ Plate. All capitals for meat."  
"I see. What a peculiar name."  
"Well, I think it was called something stupid like 'spicy meat and seafood fry' before but-"  
"Spicy Meat and Seafood Fry? You cooked it!?"  
"Well, I'm about to..."  
"My dear boy!" Laughed the man. "I've been trying to cook that again for years! I'll do anything for a taste! Here, I'll give you my warm doublet! I've rubbed myself all over it to make it smell just like me!"  
Link blinked, glancing at the man's worn, tattered and smelly sweater. "I… I'd rather not."  
"Oh, but you must if you wish to venture onto the mountain."  
"Why can't I just eat the food?"  
"Becuase… uh… well, think of it as an investment! All you need to do is give me that there dish, and in return I'll let you have my nice, warm, oily doublet forever!"  
"But I don't _want_ your doublet!"  
"Oh pleeease?" The old man flapped his eyelashes and revealed a little bit of freshly shaven leg, but to his utter surprise Link completely ignored him, instead wolfing down the dish and sprinting in the direction of the mountain.

"Bother." Said that old man, and continue shaving his leg. 

* * *

**And there you have it, my Wilders; chapter 3. Horah. Now, I know I've been fairly lax with the rules of Zelda this chapter, but hey, what's the fun in sticking to rules?  
I'm looking forward to finally getting off this blasted plateau and out into the free world, but I'm really gonna need some help with ideas on where to go. All I need is a "Link meets Yiga traveller" or "Stone talus fight!" I dunno, whatever you want to see. It'll be done, I assure you. The more absurd the better.**  
 **I will have to admit though, playing through is a little tedious, as I'm still finishing the champions ballad on master mode (started a few days ago) but decided to halt all progression until I had done everything else (except the Korok seeds. Stuff getting all 700-whatsit of those.**  
 **Anyhoo, keep breathing, dears.**


	4. Chapter 4: Eviction from Plateau Island

The climb to the mountain was long and hard and extremely boring. Link had to kill a few squirrels on the way just to make _something_ happen. When he did finally reach the border, where the grass grew lightly frosted and the air grew bitch-cold, he realised just how unique and wonderful this gam- uh, _world_ , really was. Feeling nice and warm from the effects of his Hot MEAT Dish, Link happily ran to the water's edge, feeling thirsty. The moment he dipped his hand in, however, his entire body froze and he fell backward, the ice covering his body breaking upon impact. Breathing in a gulp of air, Link rubbed his hand in an attempt to warm it up. The entire appendage had turned black from extremely-quick acting frostbite, which was apparently a thing now, and Link whimpered as he ran his other hand over it, not feeling anything. He tried hitting it into the ground but still felt nothing. So of course he tried stabbing it with his sword, and though he felt nothing the hand did come off, black blood squirting forth. Link screamed and quickly wolfed down a baked apple, two toasted shrooms and a chicken drumstick. Within seconds his hand grew back. "This food thing is really quite amazing. I'm surprised the monsters haven't discovered it. They would be so annoying to kill if they kept regenerating their health."  
 _Just you wait until Master Mode.  
_ "Huh?" _  
Nothing.  
_ Now that Link knew he couldn't _swim_ across the river, he looked up the embankment to see a suspiciously fragile-looking wooden bridge. Moving closer, he saw the remnants of a few guardians who had obviously fallen into the river.  
"Well, this really does not look safe." He mused aloud.  
 _Well, it's your only choice. Unless you had some kind of way to freeze the water into tall pillars that you could leap across. That would be helpful._  
"It would." Link agreed. "But we're never going to get something like that, so- hold on, how am I supposed to cross this bridge? The front half is broken!" Indeed, the end closest to Link had collapsed into the water, though thankfully a convenient metal door rested on the middle section. Link frowned as he wondered how exactly it had gotten there, but decided not to look a gift Epona in the mouth, using his magnet to bring the bridge forward.  
 _Nice thinking, using the door to- to… uh, what are you doing?  
_ Link brought the door down next to his feet, stepping on. "I'm going to lift up the back end and catapult myself over."  
 _That… you can't do that!  
"_Why not?"  
 _Because… because… oh, I suppose you could. It's just not how most people would, I suppose._  
"Well, I'm not 'most people.'" Link grumbled as he did as he said he would, flying the back end up and shooting through the air, crashing into the ground on the other side and snapping his collarbone and left arm. Two shrooms later, he was on his way up the icy cold mountain.

o0o

Keh Namut shrine looked just like all the others; a stony, mishappen erection. After listening to a few low metallophone-accompanied moans by the monk, Link headed over to the stone dripper thing.  
 _It's a distiller. Quite the technological feat, actually._  
"Yeah, whatever. It plays high-octave piano notes and cums on my tablet. Just gross, if you ask me."  
 _Ugh, you are disgusting.  
_ "Hey, do you reckon if _I_ came on the tablet it would-"  
 _NO.  
"_Shame." Link took his tablet back to see what he had been given. Cryonis. Of course he had.  
Using the icy pillars – these people really loved pillars – to navigate the shrine, it took Link only a minute to reach the monk's shrine thingo.  
 _"_ _My, you got here quick."_ The monk grumbled.  
"Yeah, well, it was a stupid challenge. Really easy, actually."  
 _"It was? I… I thought it was quite hard. My husband had trouble doing it."  
_ "Well, your husband is an idiot."  
 _"Hey, that's not very-"  
_ "And what kind of name is 'Keh Namut,' anyway?"  
 _"Well it's… it's just the name my parents-"  
_ "'Keh' is the sound you make when you lose a game of cards. "Ah well, Keh." I mean, your parents must have been idiots to call you 'Keh.' Stupid, stupid name!"  
 _"Stop it, stop being mean to me!"  
_ "You just sit here in your shrine all day, chillin', while I'm out there in the cold _actually_ chilling. Why the hell would you build a shrine here?"  
 _"To test the strength of the Hero!"  
_ "Well, this Hero has had enough. Give me the goddess-damn spirit orb and get out of here." The monk was crying at this point, but Link just held out his hand, so it ripped it out of its chest and placed it gingerly into Link's palm. "Good, you stupid Monk. Get stuffed, go!"  
 _"Y-yes Hero..."_ The monk sniffed as he faded away.  
 _Well that was just mean._  
"Yeah, well, I wanna get things done around here." Link growled as he ripped open his chest with a sword and stuffed the spirit orb in, then waited to be transported out. Nothing happened, and Link began to bleed rather profusely. Soon a few intestines flopped out, as did his liver, and soon he fell to the floor, gasping for breath but chocking on blood.  
 _Well_ now _look what you've goon and done.  
_ Link could only gurgle in response as he reached into his pack and grabbed a… a… _nothing._ He had no food left. Uh oh. His grip weakened as he continued to search desperately around, finding only shards of amber and bits of bokoblin.  
 _Serves you right, really. You shouldn't have been mean to that monk._  
"I… c-can't… s-s-sorr… sorry..." Link gasped before his heart exploded and his vision began to fade.  
 _"What was that? You're sorry?"_ The monk asked as he reappeared. Lying in his pool of blood, Link only managed to hear half of the sentence before his hearing stopped, but he nodded until his muscles refused to respond.  
 _"G_ _o_ _od,_ _I'm glad to hear it. Hope you learned a lesson today."_ The monk waved his hand and Link appeared back outside, heart reformed and chest closed. Link gasped in great lungfuls of air, drinking in the crisp chill as he coughed and scrambled up. "You stupid monk!" Link shouted. "Bloody little… stupid..." He ran out of words to say and so he kicked the shrine, succeeding only in hurting his foot. What a terrible day, and a sorry chapter of his life. The only thing that could possibly make it worse would be if-  
"Hoe!" Shouted a voice. Crap.  
The old man sailed down on his stupid little paraglider, landing right next to Link, groin-first. Link moaned and pushed him away as the man put away the paraglider.  
"Well, looks like you have now acquired all of the **Spirit Orbs** from the shrines on this plateau. Oho ho! Extraordinary! What a lusciously _exquisite_ boy you are. And that means..." The old man leaned in close enough for Link to smell his suspiciously salty breath. "It is finally time..."  
"T-time for what?" Link nervously inquired.  
"Time for me to tell you everything. But first..." He turned away, bending down to show Link his butt which he had sewed a map of the plateau to. "Here I've drawn the four points. Now, imagine there's an 'X' where those points intersect."  
"Alright, I see."  
"I want you to push your finger against that X."  
"What? No, I'm not doing that!"  
"No? Why not? I'd really like it if you did!"  
"No, go away. I'm going to the temple, meet you there when you're done."  
"Fine then, I'll finger the X myself!" The man grumbled.  
"Marvelous, just don't tell me about it." And with that, Link was gone.  
And no matter how the man tried, it just wasn't the same without someone else doing it.

o0o

Upon arriving at the temple, Link remembered the whole incident with the shrine and the destruction. Looking around, he saw the man staring in dismay at the ruins. "How in all of Hyrule did this happen!?" The man cried.  
"Well you see, there was this shrine, and it… uh..."  
The man stared at him. Link shuffled and changed his story. "It was… like this when I got here?"  
"Hrm… well anyway, let's just get on with things. Pretend we're in a tell, imposing tower with a fantastic view."  
"Sure."  
"And a big comfy bed."  
"No way."  
"Bother. Well, I tried. Anyway…" His face darkened, and he began speaking in a strange language called English, in studio-recorded voice. "Now then, the time has come for me to show you who I really am. I am King blasphemous… no, that isn't right. King basphor… Blasem... uh… just call me King Rhoam. Now, let me tell you about what happened a while ago." He pulled out a projector, and an old film began.  
"Hello! I am an English Gentleman, and I'm here to tell you all about Calamity Ganon! Here we see a giant cloud of dark purple death. This is Ganon. Ganon is not a very happy man-beast. He wants to rule the land and destroy everything for some reason! What a silly little man-beast! Now, here we have some giant robots. We call these; Divine Beasts! They were made to combat Calamity Ganon, but just wait… look, here's Ganon taking them over! What a clever little man-beast. Now here are four warriors who are apparently skilled getting absolutely destroyed by some tiny Ganonlings! Naughty little man-beast! Oh, and here's a little girl shooting laser beams at Ganon!"  
 _That's me! Hello, me!  
_ "Go, little girl! Go! Oh, and there's Ganon receding into his egg sac to hide! Cowardly little man-beast!" Well, that's about it for the story, folks. See ya next time on; _Hyrule Happenings!_ "  
The tape finished, and King Rhoam turned to Link. "Does that answer all of your questions?"  
"Uh… not really. But sure."  
"Wonderful. Now, it would be reckless to head directly to the castle, so go see my old friend Impa. Fantastic hips. Not as good as yours, but-"  
"Shut up and give me that paraglider."  
"Fine, fine. Here, as I promised." He handed it over and Link snatched it."  
"Now, you should be able to-" Link ran through the ghost-king and kept going until the reached the end. "I don't care, leave me alone!" He shouted. King Rhoam slumped his shoulders. "Are you sure you don't want to be my queen? I mean, you'll be Zelda's mum which would be strange since she's totally in love with you but-"  
 _Dad! What!? Shut up!  
_ "What, why?"  
 _I… you can't just...  
_ "She wants to be your wife Link. Get married, have a bunch of children..."  
 _Oh in Hyrule's name…  
_ "Don't you want to put your babies in her? Mn mmn."  
 _I swear…  
_ "Or are you still into fishes?"  
Link raised an eyebrow. "I… beg your pardon?"  
 _Mipha? You're… you don't remember?  
_ "N-noooo..."  
 _Oh, well, in that case, never mind! You see, we… uh… we were engaged!  
_ "We were?"  
 _Yes! And you really really love me!  
_ "I do?"  
"You do?" King Rhoam called. "So you wanna marry my daughter? But then I can't have you..."  
"Let's get married Zelda, quick!" Link cried.  
 _Oh yay! Wonderful! Oh, I'm so happy I could just… ooh, hang on, Ganon's due for his daily laser blast. Oh Link, I'm so happy!  
_ "I'm not." King Rhoam moaned. "I just wanted a piece of Linky links'-"  
"I'm so happy!" Link cheered, and jumped off the cliff. 

* * *

**Gosh, that was... something. Talk about drama. The story would have been even better if it was a love square. Zelda, Mipha, Link and Rhoam, together forever (blegh). But hey, we've made it off the plateau! Yay!  
** **As usual, give me ideas people. Ideas. I can't be bothered doing it myself. I have no idea what I want to do from here! (Go to Impa you say? Get out, I'm a free woman. Man. Boy. Girlish boy. Oh who knows.)  
** **Stay green, Linklings.**


	5. Chapter 5: Link Does Mean Things

"Ouch."  
 _Well, this was quite the achievement.  
_ "Shut up." Link's first flight from the plateau had been majestic, beautiful, and he had felt like a grand eagle spreading its wings against the sky-  
Until he had impaled himself on a spear.  
The actual act of flying had been easy, and Link had even begun to enjoy it, but touching down had proven itself to be a rather difficult undertaking. The wind had buffeted him for the last few meters, meaning he had no visibility of where exactly he was going to land, and so he had alighted on the tip of a metal spear that had been stuck in the ground. Link grunted as his legs waved in the air; the spear was tall enough to have stuck into his side and keep him above ground, and Link just wasn't strong enough to lift himself off. The spear was too strong to be snapped, as well, despite its obvious age. "I'm going to have to do it." Link frowned.  
 _This is gonna hurt. And take a long time. Mind if I go get some popcorn?  
_ "You are really not very nice." Then Link lifted his front half up and thrust down. The spear stabbed further in, penetrating out to the other side and probably rupturing something judging by the blood he soon spat out. Gritting his teeth, he thrust down again, and again, wiggling all the way down until the spear was two-thirds through him and he could finally touch the ground. From here he could pull it out, noting the double-end. "What kind of spear has two ends?" Link grumbled, but got on with pulling the spear the rest of the way out. He hacked up a little more blood as the bottom of the head touched his side, and he winced again.  
 _Okay, so I know I said that was gonna hurt, but, like, this is gonna hurt even more.  
_ "Just shut up will you?" Link yelled, using his frustration to brace himself as he shoved the rest of the spear out through his side. He could feel organs tearing and blood running freely from both ends and so quickly gulped up some apples and shrooms he had collected earlier. Once again he had run out of supplies, but at least the wound had healed. Strange, though… the area still felt tender, and slightly heavy…  
 _I thought you said it was a double-ended spear.  
_ "It… was? Why?"  
 _'Cause that one ain't double sided.  
_ Link blanched as he whipped around to stare at the discarded spear. Indeed, the head was missing, and closer inspection revealed the tip seemed to have snapped off. Which meant…  
 _Welp, you've got a spearhead stuck_ _inside you. My, this is even_ better _than being impaled. Nice job.  
_ Link yelled, kicked the spear, and ran screaming back in the direction of the plateau. This world was evil and he just wanted to curl back up nice and happy in his resurrection chamber.  
 _My dad's still there though.  
_ Link ran screaming back _away_ from the plateau and headed in the general direction of forward.

o0o

By the time Link ran out of energy and collapsed to the ground, he had made it to a sturdy stone bridge stretched across a river just east of two mountains. Fire sconces still burned on the bridge's pillars, signifying its use, and within seconds a weedy man carrying a spear came running over. Link pushed himself up off the ground and drew his own weapon; a might farming hoe he had picked up.  
"Ah, good sir, I mean you no harm!" Chuckled the man. "I just popped over to see if you faired well." Link blinked a few times, shrugged, then put his weapon away. The man turned to look past the bridge, toward the castle. "I may be somewhat used to seeing bad omens by now," He said, "but that… Well, let's just say it's badder than most." He turned back to Link. "We're doomed! I… I mean, don't panic! Sorry, who exactly are you? Have we met? Ah well, it doesn't matter who you are, really. I was getting tired of talking to Tirrel, anyway."  
"Tirrel?" Link incredulously asked, glancing around the empty bridge.  
"Tirrel!" The man said, holding up a small stuffed rabbit. "She's my only company these days, but I'm glad you're here!" Link began discretely backing away from the madman, who just kept talking.  
"By the by, those strange things that popped out of the ground… did you see them?"  
Link chose to just nod, and the man shook his head. "Not mushrooms! They're for when you want to have fun daydreams. No, I'm talking about those towers!"  
"I… sure." Link said, then stumbled as he tripped over a rock. The man came closer.  
"They seem to have popped up all over the place! And that's not the only strange thing that's happened! These long-deserted shrines have..." As he yapped on, Link realised that somehow he'd come up against the stone railing of the bridge. He stepped up onto it and the man screamed. "HEY! Don't be rash! I'm young, but you're even younger! I'm trying my best out here, but I get the feeling you're going to end up trying even harder in this world." Link blinked a few times when the man started crying. "That's the feeling I get when I look at your face… but maybe I'm nuts..." Link wisely chose to keep quiet, and the man took a step forward, holding out his hand. "Now… calm down and climb off that rail. You have so much to live for, my friend!" Link was surprised to feel a tear come to his eye, and he grabbed the man's hand and stepped down. They embraced, crying, and the man took something from his pocket. "H-here, my friend… this is my lucky pine nut. I think you need it more than me."  
"Th-thanks! I… um..."  
"Brigo. The name's Brigo."  
"Thank you, Brigo. I promise I'll never jump off bridges again."  
"That's all I ask." Brigo laughed, wiping Link's tears away. Link gave him one more hug, then stepped away. "Thanks for the… pine nut… but can I, like, have your spear? It'll be really useful." Brigo hesitated. "I… well I patrol along this bridge to make sure monsters don't nest here and stuff… so like I kind of need it..."  
"But I _want_ it. Please?"  
"I… I'm sorry, but I can't..." Brigo went for another hug. "Sorry..."  
Link stepped in as well, hugging him close, then he put his weight on his left leg and shoved Brigo off the bridge, grabbing his spear as he fell. Brigo screamed all of the way down into the water.  
"Sorry!" Link called after him. "I just really wanted the spear!"  
Brigo didn't say anything because he was too busy being eaten by piranhas. "How rude, he didn't even forgive me." Link grumbled as he continued on past the bridge.  
 _You… are a vile human being.  
_ "What? You were literally laughing when I was impaled."  
 _But that was funny! What you did to that poor man was just mean.  
_ "Not my fault he wouldn't give me his spear."  
 _But now he's being eaten alive! How would you like to be eaten alive?  
_ "Ugh, FINE." Link jogged back, passing beneath the bridge, to where Brigo was trying to fend off a hungry pack of fish. Brigo turned and yelled out, holding his hand toward Link. "Save me! Please!"  
Link grabbed his hand, then pulled away, leaving Brigo to open his palm and see the lucky pine nut.  
"Hope it helps." Link said as he walked away, waving the spear around.  
 _I… there are no words. You horrible thing.  
_ "Looking forward to our wedding?"  
 _Oh yes! I've started jotting down ideas in my book. What do you think about blue…  
_ Link grinned and rolled his eyes, continuing down the path and humming a melody to the sound of Brigo's screams.

o0o

Further down the path, in the shadow of the tall duel mountains and a strange orange tower like the one on the plateau, Link saw some smoke wafting out from a small forest. I didn't take him long to jog to the encampment, though it seemed empty. A large axe stuck out of a log, however, and so Link grabbed it with both hands and pulled it out.  
"Hey there." Said an Irish – or the Hylian equivalent of Irish (Minish? It's high-pitched, merry, and rather squeaky) – voice. "Where are ya plannin' on goin' with my axe?" Link grunted and turned to the large, hippo-like man, and held the axe defensively. The man raised his hands. "Woah, it's okay, you can have it. Sorry for hollerin' at ya like that. It's just the time we live in, I suppose… if something's lying around, you can take it. If it's important to someone, they wouldn't let it out of their sight. Like this diamond." The man opened his satchel and produce the glittering gem. "I'd never let this beauty go, ever."  
Link kicked the man in the shins and took the diamond.  
"Ow! H-hey! That's my diamond!"  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah!" Link adjusted his grip on the axe. "Yeah..?"  
"Y-ye… no..." The man sighed, sitting heavy on the log. "Okay, fine. Just… fine." He sighed again and pulled out a sheet of paper. "Look, I really… _really_ dislike you at the moment, but I've got this script to follow and I'm supposed to say this stuff so…" The man closed his eyes, took one last deep breath and a long sigh, then pasted a smile on his face. His eyes, however, still watered slightly, and his voice was laced with distaste. "I'm a travelling merchant. Name's Giro. Nice to meet ya! I… ugh, I venture into the forest to get my wares. Oh, but I also buy them from travellers like… huh? I do? Oh, bloody hell. Look, I buy them too, apparently." The man shook a fist at the sky, then smiled at Link. "So… do ya happen to have anything rare you'd be interested in sellin'?"  
Think thought about this for a moment, and looked through his pack. Nothing of interest, except of course…  
 _Don't you dare.  
_ Link reached into his pack.  
 _No, don't, that's just horrible.  
_ He grabbed something and began taking it back out.  
 _The man'll probably kill you if you do.  
_ Link pulled out a shiny, glittering diamond.  
 _Oh, bloody Hyrule.  
_ "I want to sell this! It's rare, right?" The man froze, staring at the diamond, and glared at Link with more hatred then he'd ever felt in his life.  
"Well?" Asked Link, smiling happily. "How much?"  
"F… five..."  
"Hrm? Can't hear you!"  
"Five hun..."  
"Five? Only five?"  
"FIVE HUNDRED! FIVE HUNDRED F**KING RUPEES, YOU LITTLE S**T! FIVE F**KING F**KING F**KING RUPEES YOU C**T! AH F**K! F**K!"  
Link blinked, wondering why the man was speaking in asterisks. Then he frowned. "What are rupees?"  
"S**T! S**TING- Wait, w… what?"  
"Rupees. Why would I want five hundred of them?"  
"Rupees. Our currency, you dumbs**t."  
There he went with the asterisks again. Weirdo. "I see. Well... sure! Five hundred rupees for a diamond." He handed it over, and the man glared at him again. "I hope you choke on them." Handing the rupees over, he stormed away.  
"Hey, wait!" Link called after him.  
"What now you little turd?"  
"I've got a question. Why are you giving me this massive amount of what are pretty much their own little gems in return for one diamond? Like, you could probably make _six_ diamonds out of them!"  
The man hesitated. "Uh… I… I don't know. I suppose they're… well… I mean they're pretty common. Used to be, anyway. I know a guy who used to mow lawns for people… he was _always_ finding rupees in the grass. Not anymore, though. I heard these weird little rabbits called Blupees that were introduced by some travellers – pests now, really – ate them all and now they're literally bleeding them. Try killing them, you'll see."  
"Huh… how weird."  
The man started. "Hang on, I was furious at you! I was storming away! Stop distracting me!"  
"But doesn't your script have more stuff on it?" Link asked as he pointed at a piece of paper lying on the ground. The man sighed again. "F**k. Yeah, fine." He picked it up, speaking in a deadpan. "Hey. Now. It. Is. My. Turn. Wanna. Buy. Some. Stuff? I'm. Proud. Of. My Wares. All. Of. ...'em. Please, sir, do take a look. Ha!" The man gave a smile much like that you would see on someone who just murdered his mother to win the lottery. Except this poor sod hadn't won anything.  
"I'll buy it all. I have enough, right?"  
"What? But… then I can't take it to market! And we can charge premium prices there! Here I have to give you a discount!"  
"Well, I want it all."  
"What on earth could you want a swift carrot for? _Five_ swift carrots."  
"So I can be really swift."  
"Please don't do this!" The man cried, getting onto his knees. Link stepped away. "Fine. Fine. Because I'm so nice, I'll just have one of everything."  
"Oh thank you! Thank you! You are so kind!"  
Link raised an eyebrow but nodded, giving the man the rupees and putting the items in the sack. "Oh, and I'll grab another swift carrot. For the journey."  
The man nodded and handed it over, holding out his hand for the money. Link looked at the carrot and took a bite, then ran away. The man ran after him. "What are you doing!?"  
"Bother, I was hoping it would make me really fast."  
"You have to cook it into a dish to do that."  
"Oh, really? Like what?"  
"Oh, just make some hasty steamed fruit, that's what I do."  
"What do you need for that?"  
"Just a… here, I'll show you." The man spent the next few minutes teaching Link the basics of cooking. By the end, Link had made a meat kebab, a small souffle, and his hasty steamed fruit, which he labelled "The Juicy n' _fast_ Dish."  
"Thanks for doing this, my fellow!" Link grinned, taking a big bite.  
"No problemo. The name's Giro, by the way. Now, about that payment for the carrot… that'll be- uh… hello?" Giro looked around, but the hero was nowhere to be seen. Just a small little dust cloud, which settled over the poor man and ruined his stock of meat.

o0o

 _You don't even deserve to live.  
_ "Hey, not my fault people are stupid."  
 _I'm not sure I can stand you anymore.  
_ "So you don't wanna get married?"  
 _Hey hey no, not saying that! Just… you know… maybe try being human, yeah?  
_ "Human?"  
 _Crap, no, HYLIAN. I meant Hylian. Sorry, don't even know what humans are, hehe! Definitely not… uh… we're all Hylians here!  
_ "You confuse me."  
 _Well, gotta go shoot Ganon! Bye!"  
_ "Didn't you already… um… hello?" But she had left, and so Link ate the last bite of his meal and sped off in the direction of his first non-plateau Skeika-phallus.

wWw

Giro wandered sadly through the forest, head hung low. He had made the least he had ever made at market, primarily because people seemed to only want the meat, which had been ruined by that bastard Link, and the carrots, which the stupid boy had taken most of. He had gone home depressed, only enough food for two, and so his wife had snatched it to feed their two children and kicked him out. Shivering against the cold, Giro kept walking to keep warm.  
"He-hello?" Called out a tiny, diminutive voice. Giro searched the darkness for the source before he tripped over something that squeaked. Regaining his balance, Giro peered down. Above him a cloud moved away, revealing the moon's light, and Giro's eye came upon a terrible scene; Brigo the Bridge Boy lay in a puddle of blood, one arm chewed off and a leg missing a significant chunk. "C-can you h-help me? I.. uh… seem t-to have wandered into a l-little bit of t-trouble..."  
Giro helped the man up and took him to the camp he had made earlier, lighting the fire. Feeding the man some riceballs – which _didn't_ heal him or regenerate his arm – Giro inquired as to the source of these horrendous wounds.  
"I… I was pushed off a bridge."  
"You were? How terrible? Did you see who?"  
"Yes, a… a boy, nasty, and he had luscious blonde hair and feminine form."  
Giro shook his head. "Hrm… not much to go by."  
"And he had very womanly hips."  
"I know him! I know the boy!" Yelled Giro. "He stole my diamond and then sold it back to me, and then bought all of my stock."  
"W-why did you buy it back?"  
"Too hard to explain. But we need to get him back. The little f**ker must pay."  
"Was that an asterisk?"  
"It's a speech impediment. Anyway, wanna join me?"  
"Yes. He needs to get a taste of his own medicine."  
Brigo laughed evilly, and soon Giro joined in. Then they realised they weren't actually the bad guys in this scenario, so they began laughing happily instead. Then they realised they had nothing to be happy about, so they just got down to plotting. 

* * *

**What a horrible person Link is. Ah well, he'll get his just desserts soon enough (with a nice monster cake, maybe?).  
Anyway, READ THIS BIT: I JUST WANT TO LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT LINK WILL STILL GET IT ON WITH OUR FAVOURITE MIPHA!  
Link will _not_ actually be marrying Zelda, Link and Mipha are _made_ for each other and I will not take that away from you! He just doesn't know how much he likes fishy flesh yet. The description says "Slippery fish love" for a reason!  
**

 **Also, fun little occurrence; I wrote the first half of this chapter this morning, and then I read my emails and someone suggested a bit with Brigo. So how about that? I thought the bit with Brigo (in the actual game, I mean) was awesome because everyone seems to have done it, even though strictly it could be so easily missed. Does everyone just really like jumping off of bridges?**

 **Lastly, just another quick shout out to the lovely anonymous friend (you know who you are, my fellow) that offered a nice long review/suggestions (I love reading long reviews ^-^). Thank you, dear, and I will now proceed to steal every phrase you used and write it as my own. What a grand sacrifice you have made (seriously, get an account so I can credit you and shower you with praise!). Especially a whole new euphemism to use involving swift carrots (see how I'm getting there?). So yes, I will strive to do all of that, I love your ideas (remember how I said 'a _quick_ shout out? Well, I lied. I love ya, dude).**

 ***Ahem* Lastly lastly, just to confirm for a couple o' people, pretty much everything here is stuff I did as I am playing through, writing the story as I go. Sure, I didn't blow up a shrine or the Temple of Time (I wish I could, though), but I locations and people (including Giro) are all there. Go take a look, say hello, and steal his diamond. (Which you can't. I'm sorry. I tried.)**

 **Apologies to those that hate long writer's notes. Party Wild, folks!**


	6. Chapter 6: A Horse for Our Hero

Up on the Sheika-phallus, Link admired the view. "Jeez, it really is beautiful up here. A hard climb, but definitely worth it."  
 _Yeah, the Hylian sunset is something spectacular.  
"_Gorgeous sunset. I wish I could get someone to do a painting."  
 _I'd buy it in an instant.  
"_Yeah. Wow. It's… wow." Link was quiet for a moment, staring into the distance. Then he kicked a small pebble that had somehow ended up on the phallus. "Well, I'm bored."  
 _Me too. Go kill something._  
"Yeah!" Link turned around and gazed up at the twin peaks. "What's that?"  
 _The TV show? Well, it was a mystery drama starring-  
_ "No, the mountain."  
 _Oh, right. That's_ Dueling Peaks. _There's a stable up ahead, if you want to check it out.  
_ "A stable? Can I buy a horse?"  
 _Well, not really. It's a pretty crappy stable. But you can catch one and take it over there if you want.  
_ "Having a horse would be nice… Yeah, okay, I'll do that."  
 _Finally, a plot!  
_ "What, besides the one to destroy Ganon, go to Impa, free the divine beasts, find out about myself, and get married to you?"  
 _Gosh, there's a lot to do… but get a horse first! Horses are fun!_  
"Yay!"  
 _Saving the world can wait. It isn't like anyone's going to care.  
_ "Exactly. Let's go!"  
Link jumped off the tower and sailed down into the valley between the mountains, ignoring the innocent bystander being murdered by a Ganon-controlled guardian.

o0o

"So, what's this new little thing I've gotten?" Link asked as he looked over the Sheika Slate.  
 _It's called a_ Sheikah Sensor. _It tells you where shrines are._  
"Why would I want to do that? I _hate_ shrines."  
 _Because if you do lots you can increase your health and stamina._  
"What? I can? How am I only hearing about this now!?"  
 _If you hadn't_ obliterated _the temple, maybe you would have.  
_ "Thanks for telling me, then. Let's give it a go." Link stopped walking and turned the Sheikah Sensor on.  
OH WOW! HELLO! I'M THE SHEIKAH SENSOR! OH LOOK, THERE'S A SHRINE! WOW! GO FIND THE SHRINE! IT'S OVER THERE! OVER THERE! JUST AHEAD! JUST A LITTLE BIT AHEAD AND OH NO, THAT'S TOO FAR! TO FAAAR! GO BACK! GO BACK AND GET THE OH WOW LOOK, ANOTHER SHRINE! AWESOME! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! GO GET THE SHRINES! YAY!  
Link threw the tablet over to the other side of the canyon. "What in all of Hyrule's hairy undergrowths is it doing?"  
 _I didn't say it was accurate. If it's telling you the shrine is ahead, it's probably slightly to the left and on a very high cliff.  
_ "What's the point of it then?"  
 _No idea. Turn it off will you? I'm getting a headache._  
Link gritted his teeth and headed over.  
THE SHRINE IS IN FRONT OF YOU! IN FRONT! NO ACTUALLY TO THE LEFT! AND DOWN! OH WAIT NO UP! GO TO THE LEFT AND GO-  
The thing shut down and Link breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. I'm never turning that on again. Why would someone make something like this?"  
 _Just be glad I turned on the spam filter before you got it.  
_ "The what?"  
 _Always asking; "Is your Sheikah tower big enough! Is it always standing proud! 1 easy new tablet keeps it standing for four hours! Wow!_  
"I… am very confused."  
 _Just get on with it, I want to see your horsey.  
_

o0o

Just before he arrived at the stables, Link spotted another shrine. However, unlike the others he had been to, this one seemed to not want to be explored. A long string of sharp-looking spikes protruded in a circle around the shrine's entrance, blocking access. Link scratched his head, trying to think of a way across. "Do you reckon the other shrines found out about the one I blew up?" Link asked aloud.  
 _Probably. Now think about this… what about your runes?  
_ "My runes?" Link flicked through them. "I suppose I could fling myself over them with my metal-flip maneuver, but nothing around here seems to be metal..."  
 _Okay, so maybe not that rune. But think; you need to get_ up _. How can you do that?  
_ "Um… fling myself up with a bomb? Oh wait, I'm not allowed to do that."  
 _Urgh, look, there's water, right? WATER.  
_ "Oooh." Link grinned. "I see."  
 _Finally.  
_ "Stasis!"  
 _Huh? What? No, I meant cr-  
_ But Link was already off, heading back towards the stream running between the mountains. He had seen fish there, and spent the next few minutes perfecting his new method of fishing; he cast stasis on them, grabbed them, and repeated. Soon, he had a whole inventory full of fish. Heading back over to the shrine, he got them out, watching as they flopped around in the shallow water.  
 _What is going on?  
_ "I'm just doing what you suggested." Taking a fish, Link stabbed it into a spike. Then he stuck another one, and another, until he had created multiple fish-kebabs that essentially rendered the spikes useless. Balancing on the fish-platforms, Link made his way over to the shrine and activated it.  
 _Okay, that is_ not _what I suggested.  
_ "I took some creative licence." And with that, Link disappeared into the shrine.

The challenge Link emerged into looked fascinating. Waterfalls cascaded down step stone cliffs, and he saw there was no way to jump across these gaps.  
 _I suppose you're going to use fish here too?  
_ "What? No, I'm going to use cryonis. Fish? Heh, what a silly suggestion."  
 _I… you… ugh.  
_ However, Link only managed to take two steps before the Monk's voice rang out.  
 _"You who participate in this challenge… please don't blow it up! Please! I'll do anything! Actually, you know what? Here, have the spirit orb! Just take it! Please don't hurt me!"  
_ Link blinked, shrugged, and took the spirit orb that floated his way. "Thanks, then!"  
 _"You're welcome! Now please, just leave!"_

o0o

"Ah, wanting to borrow a horse, are ya? Well, you can't. We don't have any. We can't just spawn horses now. I wish we could, but we can't. Well, until you get your own horse anyway. Then we can spawn that darn creature wherever the hell you want. Take it to a jungle stable, get it back from a tundra stable. Don't question it."  
"Uh… right. So how exactly do I catch a horse? And won't it require lots of taming? And food and saddles and stuff?"  
"Oh no, my dear boy. The horse will just eat grass, who even knows where they get their water, we certainly don't give it to them, hehe! Ah, but they turn out fine. I think. As for taming it, just SOOTHE it. SOOTHE it everywhere, no matter what it does. Went off course? SOOTHE! Fell off a cliff? SOOTHE! Got stabbed by multiple arrows?"  
"Let me guess… SOOTHE it?"  
"What? No, of course not! Take the arrows out and bring it here so we can operate! What a horrible boy you are! What if I shot _you_ with an arrow? Would _you_ be happy being soothed?"  
"Well I… I suppose not..."  
"Exactly. Anyway, go find a horse. Go on!" Link shook his head in confusion and turned away. Just as he was about to leave, he caught sight of two identical-looking boys hanging out by a few cooped-up horses. He headed over. "Hey, uh… dudes? You know anything about-"  
"Hey, look Shibo! It's a guy!"  
"Wow Darton! Look in his eyes!" They both stared at Link intently.  
"I bet he loves horses, Shibo." Said Darton.  
"Yup, he _loooooves_ them, Darton." Said Shibo.  
"I bet he wants to know all about them!" Said Darton.  
"Oh, I bet his head is _filled_ with all sort of horse stuff!" Said Shibo.  
" _All_ sorts!"  
" _All_ kinds!"  
Link blushed, rubbing the back of his head. "I, uh… those pictures were already on the Sheika slate… I didn't, like… I didn't mean to look at them they were just there and I saw them and just stared and please stop looking into my brain." Shibo and Darton blinked. Darton and Shibo cocked their heads. "Uh… what?" They said together.  
"The… pictures of the horses… with the big… um..." The two twins stared incredulously at Link as he stumbled over his words. "Ah, anyway… so, do you know anything about catching horses?"  
"Oh yeah!" Yelled Darton.  
"Let's tell him!" Yelled Shibo.  
"Yes!" Yelled Darton.  
"Wild horses get scared easily, and if they notice people near them, they'll take off." Whispered Shibo.  
"Just sneak up on 'em from behind reeeeeal slow. And when you get good and close..." Whispered Darton…  
"Grab 'em and jump on quick!" Screamed Shibo.  
"Yeah!" Screamed Darton.  
"If you crouch and sneak up quietly..." Mused Shibo…  
"They won't notice you." Mused Darton.  
"Uh… right." Nodded Link. "Thanks."  
"You're welcome." Nodded Shibo.  
"Too true." Nodded Darton.  
"I do have one more question though..." Link said quietly, glancing around." What's to stop me just taking the horses you have there? The stable owner said he didn't have any."  
"Oh, we don't." Giggled Shibo.  
"They're just props." Giggled Darton, pushing on a horse which well over and broke into little pieces of cardboard. "Whoops."  
"Let's run away from home before Dad sees!" Shreiked Shibo, and the two ran off into the distance. Link had rather had enough of the two, anyway, so he looked around for some real, non-cardboard horses. He couldn't see any, but he _could_ see a well-dressed man staring into the distance. Link decided to try asking about horses one last time. "Hey, uh… hello? Do you know anything about hor-"  
"They're wild, so 'til you calm 'em it's gonna be one CRAZY ride! But there's no feeling quite like taming a _wild stallion!_ Gods, _riding_ one is just so _amazing!"  
_ "Oh, you know lots about horses then?"  
"Horses? Yeah, I know stuff about horses."  
"Weren't you just talking about..."  
"...Uh..."  
"Never mind."  
"Right, well, I _do_ know lots about horses, because I, in fact, took second place in the Hyrule Horse-taming Competition! So I am amazing!"  
Link raised an eyebrow. "Second?"  
"Hey, second is still amazing. You wanna fight me, bro?" Link shrugged and took out his sword, but the man didn't even notice. "Right, you want to challenge me, second-place champion, to a tame-off!? YOU GOT IT, MISTER!"  
"Uh… okay. Sure."  
"That's the spirit! The only rule is that you must bring back a wild horse within the time limit of… two minutes! Beat that!"  
"I can do that. Where are the horses?"  
"To the south. The place is chock-full of the buggers. Ready?"  
"Ready."  
"GO!"

o0o

"I'm back!" Yelled Link triumphantly. "And in only eighteen seconds!" The man only stared at him. Link frowned. "Uh… yeah?"  
"It… you..."  
"What, I did the challenge, yeah? I brought a wild horse back."  
 _I think he meant it had to be ALIVE.  
_ "What? It had to be alive!?" Link yelled, and the man nodded slowly. "Of course it did!"  
"But you said there was only one rule!"  
"How could you do that to a horse!?" Moaned the man. "Oh, the poor thing!" Link decided now would be a very good time to leave.

o0o

 _Right, take two of getting a horse. Let's keep it alive, this time.  
_ "Yeah yeah." Link scrutinised the pack of horses before him, all munching away on some grass. "But which one is the best? Which one most accurately represents my personality."  
 _You'd need a donkey for that.  
"_Har har."  
 _Because it's an ASS! Get it!?  
_ "Yes, I got it. Very funny."  
 _I am so hilarious._  
"Seriously though, which one do ya reckon?"  
 _Best suits you as a person? That one over there, to your left.  
_ Link looked over at a horse that stood a little apart from the pack. It was cobalt blue with a striking white mane, and it was eating away happily. "Why her?"  
 _Him.  
_ "Him?" Link looked closer. "Oh, my, that _is_ a him. I'm flattered."  
 _That's not why he's like you, loser._  
"I know a compliment when I see one."  
 _Ugh, you men. No, look at what he's doing._

"He's… eating? And? Why does- oh I see." The horse was eating, yes, but the thing that it was eating looked oddly human-shaped. Squinting, Link could make out the shape of Darton, the twin that had been annoying Link earlier. There was only half of him left, but the hat and annoying expression were still visible. "You're right… I like him!"  
 _Let's take him!  
_ "Link crouched down in the grass and begun sneaking up behind the horse. Avoiding leaves and twigs and other movie-cliches, he managed to get within four metres of the proud beast.  
 _Right, now jump on him!  
_ Link got ready to spring. Tensing his muscles, he pushed back his haunches and jumped-  
And was smashed through a tree by a single buck from the stallion. Link gasped and rolled onto his side, pulling a sharp branch out of his side and spitting out a tooth. His entire back was lacerated with splinters and gravel, but he was conscious enough to watch the horse turn around and trot up to him.  
"I say, that was quite the rude maneuver! Just what, may I ask, were you planning on doing?" The horse's accent was smooth, slightly posh, and rather feminine.  
Link spat out another tooth and groaned, managing; "I just wanted to ride you..." before he collapsed to the ground, breathing heavily.  
"Ride me? Oh, I _do_ hope that isn't a euphemism dear. Now, why didn't you just say so?"  
"I… ugh..." Link coughed some blood and wiped his mouth, reaching for some steamed meat. "The stable people said that's what I should do."  
"Oh, don't take any heed of those stable people." The horse giggled. "Those boys tried it, and look what happened to the short one!"  
Taking a big bite of the meat, Link sat up. "Weren't they both short?"  
"Ah, but this one was the shortest when I cut off his legs!" They both laughed until Link frowned and cocked his head. "You _cut off_ his legs?"  
"Oh _indeed_. Take a peek at this rather magnificent contraption." Lifting his front leg, Link saw a long, foldable blade attached to the side of the hoof. "I call it a _hidden blade._ Well, I didn't call it that, some chap called Easy or something gave it to me before I ate him."  
"You like Human flesh then?"  
"Not as good as Lynel flesh, but it sure is scrumptious."  
"What about mine?"  
"Oh, I don't know dear… it's nice of you to offer, but I have this boy to finish off and then I'll be good for a week or so. Must eat grass to keep the old muscles working now don't we? Plus… I must say I rather like you."  
 _I want him. Keep him forever.  
_ "Hrm… what if I was to tell you that if you came with me, I could ensure you a fresh human every week?"  
"You… could do that? It sounds like a marvellous offer."  
"Sure. Plus it would help me lots, I've got adventuring and stuff to do. Who knows, it could be fun."  
"Adventuring, you say? My… that _does_ tickle my fancy some… oh, why not, let's do it!"  
 _Yay!  
_ The two shook hands/hoofs, and then the horse lowered itself onto its front legs and Link hopped on, getting comfortable. "Now," said the horse, "No pulling on my mane or I'll have you off in a jiffy."  
"I wouldn't dream of it." Said Link, surreptitiously removing his hands from the horse's mane. "So, uh… do you have a name?"  
"What kind of civilised horse would I be if I didn't? Why, I'd practically be an animal!" They both laughed again, and the horse began trotting towards the stable. "You may call me-" The horse then made a series of pants and neighs. "Though I very much suspect you won't be able to pronounce it."  
"Sorry."  
"Call me Audrey."  
"Au-Audrey? I… sure."  
 _Isn't that a girl's name? Oh, wait, no don't say-  
_ "Isn't that a girl's name?"  
The horse stopped and gave Link an angry glance. "Indeed it is. Do you have a problem with that?"  
"I… no, it's just that-"  
 _She's a hermaphrodite, Link. I've got a good view here, believe me.  
_ Link nodded slowly. "I rather wish you had told me that before."  
"I beg your pardon?" Audrey frowned.  
"Oh, no, not you, I'm talking to Zelda."  
"Zelda? Oh no, you aren't hearing voices, are you?"  
"Well, actually, I kind of am."  
 _Hello Audrey.  
_ "Oh, my, hello. Apologies, I thought you were a figment of this boy's imagination."  
"Call me Link."  
"Link? You were making fun of _my_ name and you're called Link!?"  
"Shut up."  
 _He's rather the hypocrite._  
"I'll say." Audrey giggled. "What does that even mean?"  
"Oh jeez, I don't know. Leave me alone will you?"  
Zelda and Audrey had another giggle, and then the horse continued on to the stable.  
"So, a hermaphrodite, then?" Link said, raising an eyebrow.  
"We've got to cater to all audiences now, don't we?" Audrey casually shrugged. "And if you read some of the other fanfictions out there… this is nothing."  
"Fan… fanfictions?"  
"Hrm? What?"  
"I… never mind. A herm horse. That's pretty cool actually. Can you-"  
"Can I…? Audrey raised an eyebrow, and Link cleared his throat. "Never mind, again."  
Once they had made it to the stable, Audrey trotted up to the stable owner who was looking a little stressed. He looked up at them distractedly. "Oh, hi, registering a horse then?"  
"Yup." Said Audrey. The man didn't look up, writing on a piece of paper. "Alright, that'll be twenty rupees, we'll get you a saddle and bridle, and you can name your horse."  
"I beg your pardon? What if this horse already _has_ a name?" Audrey snorted.  
"Well, I'll just write that down, then."  
Audrey glanced at Link. "You don't want to change my name, do you?"  
"Well..."  
"What's wrong with Audrey?"  
"It's just a little boring. Here's your chance to have something cool, like Amazonia or Deathcheese!"  
"Death cheese?"  
"Okay, maybe not death cheese."  
Audrey though for a moment. "What about Gladiolus?"  
"Hey, that's cool."  
"And I can wield a big sword and have massive muscles and I'm a bodyguard but I'm really cool and everyone loves me and-"  
"Why do I get the feeling you're taking this from somewhere."  
"Call me Gladio for short!"  
Link sighed but agreed, and the stable owner wrote it down. Then the boy turned back to the horse. "So… do I say he, or she, or..."  
"Ah, just say he. The author can't be bothered remembering anything else."  
"Who?"  
 _I agree with he. And he's right... he certainly_ does _have a big sword.  
_ "Okay, you're freaking me out a little now. Is there something you aren't telling me?"  
 _No?  
_ "...Okay. Hold on, were those horse pictures yours?"  
"What horse pictures?" Queried Gladio.  
 _Well, gotta go! Lasers to shoot again!  
_ "You can't just keep… hello? Hello? Ergh, that woman is something else."

"You ready to head off then? Where are we going?"  
"Kakariko Village. Just follow that path."  
"Righto."

"Hold on, guys." The stable owner said, rubbing his eyes. "Look, my kids seem to have disappeared. Can you… I mean, have you seen them anywhere?"  
Link and Gladion glanced at each other. "N...no..." Then Gladion burped, and Darton's arm fell out. The stable owner stared at it for a few seconds, then back up at Link, and then the two ran away, leaving the stable owner to stare back down at the arm.

wWw

"So, we're agreed then? He's got to pay." Brigo said to the two other men huddled around the campfire.  
"I'm in," said Giro.  
"He killed my little boys. Let's do this." Tasseren, the stable owner, growled. They all put their hands in to do a group shout, but then they burnt their hands in the campfire, so they just verbally did it instead.  
"He's not gonna see what hit him." Brigo grinned, the fire casting dark, manly, angular shadows on his face.  
"You look very cool like that," Tasseren said.  
"I know."

* * *

 **Okay, so this one was a little weird. They've been getting progressively so, haven't they?  
Ah well, that's what makes them fun. And I for one _like_ Gladio. And so does Zelda... quite a lot, actually...**  
 **Anyway, there's chapter 6. Woo, we're making progress. Next up is our first meeting with a certain talking tree. And not the big one. The peculiar small one.**  
 **And yay! We have our antagonists/protagonists (still a little confused with that one). Now everyone can join a side! Links or Giros?**

 **Lastly, yay, more suggestions. Hinox coming up!  
**


	7. Chapter 7: Hetsu's Jiggly Maracas

En route to Kakariko, Link came by a strange sight. At first he thought it was a pale, mishappen tree, but as he got closer he could hear fainting sobbing in a girlish, quiet voice. Coming alongside it, Link could make out two weird eyes, a long, pointed nose, and a strange leaf-like nose ornament. He could also see a little brown satchel slung over its shoulder.  
"My, I do decree this to be an event of an unimaginable rarity." Gladio whistled.  
"And in Hylian, that would be..?"  
"Wow, what a weird thing, yo." Gladio let Link off and trotted up to the tree, giving it a sniff. Perhaps this was something else he could eat. However, the tree didn't really have flesh, and so he backed away to let Link to the talking, chasing off some birds.  
"Uh… hello?" Link tried, and the tree gasped. "Shalaka!? You! You can see me!?"  
Link blinked and raised an eyebrow, deciding on a sarcastic response. "No, I totally _can't_ see you." The tree gasped again. "Sholoko!? Then how are you talking to me, silly boy?" Link frowned and shook his head as the tree kept speaking. "It's been one-hundred years since anyone has been able to see me! And whilst I'm obviously referencing you being able to see me one-hundred years ago, for plot purposes I'm remaining obscure! Anyway, I'm Hestsu, and I need your help!" The tree pointed north. "Those monsters over there stole my beloved maracas! By beautiful little maracas! All the tree from all around used to come just to see me play with my maracas, cupping them in my hands and rubbing my fingers all over them… I even made a song once, about my maracas bringing all the boys to the tree-encampment-forest-area thingy."  
"That was an awful reference, I am ashamed." Shot in Gladio before he chased after some more birds.  
"Anyhoo, I think they're still there on the other side of those rocks. I can't use my amazing magic powers without them. Shoko..."  
"So I assume you-"  
"PLEASE get my maracas back! Pleeeeeeaaaaaaaase?"  
"Well, that _is_ a lot of question marks… how can I say no?"  
"Yay! Shaka laka!" The tree shouted in happiness. "Oh, I'm Hetsu by the way."  
"Nice to meet you. Well, I'm off." And with that, Link ran off, catching strains of Hetsu singing to itself. "Shoola shoola. Uhh waka! Uhh ehh uh ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang..."

Link made it to the camp quickly and used the cover of darkness to crouch in some bushes. Behind him, Gladio crouched down as well.  
"I shall leave the necessities of battle to you, my dear. May I… may I have a corpse, however?"  
"Sure." Link advanced on the sleeping creatures, drawing the spear he had taken from Brigo earlier. Holding it above the pitiful animal, he brought it down into the neck, puncturing tough, warty skin and silencing its cries to a choked squeal. Wiping boko-blood off his face, Link moved to the second one. He raised the spear up, prepared to bring it down-  
And then it woke up. It screamed and rolled to the side, missing Link's spear by inches, and grabbed its bat. Smacking Link in the face, it went for another strike that was deflected by Link's shield. Our hero dodged, but Link was too fast and stabbed him in the gut.  
"Hold on, I thought _Link_ was our hero."  
 _It's all a little… unclear at the moment._  
"Ah."  
Pulling the spear out, Link stabbed again, puncturing a lung. The bokoblin cried out but could do nothing as Link ripped downward, tearing its stomach open, and grabbed its guts. Then he pulled, hard enough to snap tendon, and held the guts in the air. "I'm totally going to upgrade my armour with this!" Link randomly said, then flew into the air and smacked into a tree. He gasped but managed to grab onto a branch, wishing that he _could_ actually fly instead of up being smashed upwards by a hammer-wielding bokoblin. Pulling himself up, Link looked down to see the bokoblin retreat. "Yeah, that's right, run away!" Jeered Link. However, the bokoblin soon returned… with an axe.  
"Oh, no, actually… can I run away?" The creature ignored him and stuck the trunk with the woodcutter's axe. Hefting it out, it cut again and again at the tree until the trunk began to split. Link screamed as the tree fell, jumping left and narrowly avoid being impaled by another spear. Rolling, Link heard the _crunch_ of a collarbone being broken but kept the momentum going and jumped up, facing his opponent. The bokoblin grinned and waved its hammer around, throwing the axe away. Link decided now would be a good time to run away, but he stood on an outcrop and the only way out was the way he had come, past the bokoblin. He could always jump off the cliff, but he would prefer avoiding that if possible.  
The creature screeched and ran at him, and Link jumped away from the swinging hammer.

And that's when things got weird.

Everything slowed to a near-stop. Link landed neatly on the ground, full of energy, but the creature's squeals had become deep and low, and its movement was like that of something nearly in stasis. Had he accidentally used it?  
 _This is called_ Super Fast Strikey Rush. _And no, it's not one of those mobile games on your slate. Don't waste the opportunity… have at him!  
_ Today had been weird enough, and so Link jumped forward and began slashing at the creature. It was really quite fascinating watching the bokoblin open up like an envelope in slow motion. The cuts grew wider, intestines slowly emerged, blood became a slow tidal wave that Link could just reach out and touch…  
When he was done, Link stepped to the side, everything returned to normal, and the bokoblin exploded. When the bloody mist had cleared, Link picked up the bokoblin's flesh-covered spine and took it to Gladio. "Here, I made you a lollipop."  
"Oh, how thoughtful! You are ever so kind, my dear. Anyone would be lucky to have you. Especially a fish!"  
 _Hey, what? What's this thing about a fish?  
_ "Nothing, Zelda dearie."  
 _No no no, what are you telling my Linky?  
_ As the two argued, Link popped back to the encampment. A sound like an arena-battle intro sounded, but rather than more enemies, Link's gaze was directed to a skull-like chest that sprung open. Heading over, Link looked inside and found two… breasts?  
 _Ah, they must be Hetsu's Maracas.  
_ "Ew."  
 _Yup. Now, Gladio, why did you-  
_ Link rolled his eyes and begun walking back to the tree.

o0o

"Shala-Kala! Those are… my maracas! YAY! Please giiiiiive them to meeeeeee!"  
Link gingerly reached into his pouch and handed over the breasts. Hetsu stuck them on its chest and gave them an experimental jiggle. Considering they were made of wood, they shuddered rather hypnotically.  
"Gosh, if Hetsu keeps that up..." Gladio begun, thumping his hooves on the ground like a drumroll. "He's gonna give me WOOD! AH HAH HA! GET IT!?" Link sighed and turned back to Hetsu, who was playing with its maracas. "Shaaaaa-laaaah-kaaaah! But wait… there's something wrong with my maracas! The Korok seeds are gone! How am I supposed to dance now?" Hetsu started crying, and Link patted its maracas comfortingly. "Korok seeds? What are they?"  
"Well… ahem… you see, Koroks… um… okay so when two Koroks love each other very much, they-"  
"Uh oh." Link squirmed.  
"They get together and, uh… _tickle each other's leaves._ And then, when they're done, they make a seed!" Link froze. "Hold on… you don't mean… these..?"  
"Yes! You have some! Oh please, please can I have your seed! I want your seeds in my maracas, all over my maracas, oh please oh please!"  
Link screamed and shoved all of the seeds he had been collecting at Hetsu, who moaned as it stuffed the seeds into its maracas. "Oh thank you, thank you! Now I can use my magic!"  
Link calmed down enough to perk his ears up. "Magic?"  
"Yes! I have the power of… dun dun duuuu… _Inventory Expansion! Wow!_ "  
"Link frowned." Wow… amazing. Normally that'd be great, but, like, I can carry as much food as I want, so I don't really need it…"  
"But weapons! You can't carry any more weapons! That's why I can expand your inventory!"  
"Or I could just put my weapons in the food slot. No big deal." Hetsu hesitated. "I… I never thought of that… oh please don't tell anyone, I'll be out of a job!"  
"And?"  
"I have children! Well I don't… but I might have! Please, keep this quiet!"  
"Oh, just expand my bloody inventory then."  
"Yay! Let me just sing my little song..!"  
Hestu began shaking its maracas, getting a beat going, and then confetti began flying everywhere, Hetsu grew ponytails, everything turned a shade of pink, love hearts began flying everywhere, and back-up Koroks appeared. Hetsu grabbed a microphone and began singing in Korok, something about love and innocence and high school and something called 'anime.'  
"Oh, lord help us all." Groaned Gladio. "That's K-pop. Korok pop."  
"Yeah, I get it."  
"I've never understood this. Everything's the same."  
"I reckon it sounds quite fun."  
"Oh please. I'll bet you anything right now it's talking about meeting some guy at school, and they're going to the beach."  
Half of the Korok backup-dancers threw off their clothes to show off muscular, defined chests with broad shoulders and revealing boardshorts, while the other half revealed small, colourful Bikinis that looked rather impractical to wear. They did backflips and came into hugs as Hetsu reached the music climax, confetti steaming out in steady bursts.  
"Just as I hypothesised." Announced Gladio, dropping a microphone and trotting away. Link, however, was rather enjoying this, singing along. In fact, he was actually quite sad when the song ended and Hetsu actually went about expanding Link's stash. Link shuffled his feet. "Do you, uh… do you want to expand my inventory again-?" Hetsu though for a moment, then glanced at its wrist. "Gosh, just look at the time!"  
Link looked at Hetsu's bare wrist in confusion, but the tree kept talking. "I need to get back before Grandpa yells at me. I don't want him to use his whipping branch on me… he normally saves that for his weird fetish nights with those floozy trees he brings over."  
Lin blinked, then nodded sadly. "Okay."  
"Sorry… but I still need Korok seeds, so bring some to Korok Forest if you find any!"  
"I will, you beautiful singer!" Link waved as Hetsu waddled away.  
"Thank the horse-god that's over." Breathed Gladio. "Now get on, we have places to be."  
"Alright." Sighed Link.

They trotted for a while along a small cliff path. On the way, they passed a man muttering about climbing cliffs in the rain who offered to sell them some stuff, but Link was too sad to reply. And so it was with a heavy heart that they-  
 _Wow, I just realised you haven't been mean to anyone this evening. Well, besides the bokoblins, but they're just the faceless enemies that nobody cares about._  
"You're right! I haven't! Go me!"  
"Ah, but how are we to have an ominous epilogue?" Queried Gladio.  
 _He's right. Quick, be mean to someone.  
_ "Oh fine." The two hurried back to the man. "Sir? I wish to buy some of your stock."  
"You do!?" Asked the man. "Excellent!"  
"I'm looking forward to it. Could we… could we do it over here, though?"  
"By the cliff edge?"  
"Yeah..."  
"Why certainly! Now, I have here some over-priced endura-carrots that you could probably just find out in the wild, and I also have some-"  
The man got no further before Link, with Gladio's help, shoved the man off the cliff. Then he took all of the endura carrots and threw them down after him.  
 _You are horrible.  
_ "I am."  
 _I love you, Link._

wWw

"I see we have another." Giro murmured.  
"Yes. He calls himself Bugut, sir." Said Tasseren. Giro turned to Brigo. "Well, what do you think?" Brigo leaned forward in his seat. "What happened to him?"  
"He was thrown off a cliff, and his carrot-stocks destroyed." Brigo nodded slowly, and Giro stood up, acknowledging the broken man that knelt before him. "Arise, Bugut of the Carrots. You may join our ranks. Hail the Meaty One."  
"Hail the Meaty One." The others bowed.  
"Death to the Hero," Brigo said gravely.  
"Death to the Hero!"

aAa

" _Shiba! I bring bad news!"  
"Tan? What news?"  
"I… Baht, he is… he is gone!"  
"What!? Y- Baht is dead?"  
"I am sorry… he was killed by a boy, a Hylian."  
"And Heli?"  
"I… I am sorry."  
_The female bokoblin wept as Tan out his arms around her. He had barely made it out himself, though the stab wounds had healed quickly, thank goodness, due to his potions.  
" _Tan?"  
"Yes?"  
"We must have revenge."  
"We will, Shiba. For too long boys with a hero-complex have murdered our kind without even a thought for our families. But no longer. It is time we fight back!"  
"Oh Tan, thank you!"  
_The bokoblin kissed Shiba's forehead, then stepped away, gripping his spear tightly. _"I will speak to the elders. I ask permission to contact Jerhn. He is with the Moblins."  
"Stay safe, Tan."  
"I will. For Baht, for Heli, and for every other carelessly killed monster. I will arise!"  
_And he disappeared into the darkness, leaving Shiba to weep for her loss. 

* * *

**How's that for an ending, eh? Just a little bit of fun, there. It wasn't meant to be serious (or was it...?), just food for thought.  
Now, apologies for the rather dismal length. Then again, this is the second chapter I've done today... but it's to make up for the fact that I won't be writing tomorrow. So this is your apology-chapter. Just a little fun with everyone's favourite agender tree. (A he? A she? A Gladio?)**  
 **There'll be Lady Imp (I didn't misspell it) coming up next, and then I'm working a hinox into it, so yay. Anything else?  
**  
 **"Let's all Link arms into the future."**  
 **-Me, 2017... just then.**


	8. Chapter 8: You're Not My Impa

Link was lost. Quite the achievement, really, since the path at this point was fairly linear.

"You should have turned left at the intersection, not just foraged straight ahead." Griped Gladio.  
" _I_ should have? _You're_ the one walking, I'm just on your back!"  
"Well then, how about _I_ get on your back, then. See how you like it."  
"Look, it's not entirely your fault, I just don't understand why you went straight. I mean, there wasn't even a path there, it was a sheer cliff! Not helped by the fact that every few metres we slid down, you had to stop so that you could whinny in annoyance and slow us down."  
"I don't cope well with slopes. Or trees. Or people. Or that one jump in the horse racetrack course that I only get over ten percent of the time."  
Link sighed and wiped his brow, forgetting that his Sheika Slate actually had an inbuilt map.  
"It does?" Link said to no-one in particular.  
"What?" Gladio looked back at the boy, raising an eyebrow. Or the horse equivalent, since horses don't really have eyebrows, more just bony brows, so in fact the face he made was twisted and contorted and immediately made Link forget about the map that he had randomly thought about and instead look around for someplace to hide. Gladio, meanwhile, stopped, ears flicking. "Hold on… do you hear that?" Link frowned, looking around. "Hear what?"  
"There's a flute… ooh, and a harp… actually, it sounds like imitation-oriental music." It took Link a few seconds to tune in, but when he did, he pointed to the left. "It's coming from over there! What do you think it is?"  
"I'm not sure, but there's no harm in finding out."  
The two trotted for about half a mile before coming to a small valley between two steep cliffs. Heading through, they came to a small little cave. Link hopped off Gladio, drew his sword, and advanced slowly through the darkness until he came upon a peculiar steel door. A small sign reading 'studio' hung on it, and Link grasped the door handle and slowly pushed it open. The music swelled as Link entered to find six or seven young musicians playing an array of instruments. They all froze when they saw Link.  
"Uh… hi?" Our hero tried. All except one of the musician screamed and ran into a side room. Link sidled up to the one that stayed. "What's going on here."  
The man sighed. "We are… we do... well, you aren't meant to be here. You're meant to be on the other side." He nodded to a wall with some tiny holes in it. Peeping through, Link saw Kakariko village. He looked back at the man in confusion.  
"You see, we're here to provide ambient music. The amount of times we repeat just gets annoying, though. As you can see, its driven the others mad."  
"What about you?"  
"Oh, I just joined a few weeks ago. Heard there was an opening. The last lad tried asking Imp's assistant out but… well, he was never heard from again."  
"I'm sorry? Imp?" Link queried.  
"Oh, she's the leader of this village."  
"Do you mean Impa?"  
"No, definitely Imp. The king thought the name was crass, added an 'I' on the end to allude to previous tales, but we still name her as we know her."  
Link breathed in slowly. "So… let me get this right… all you do, all day, is play music?"  
"Yup. We have a daytime composition, and a nighttime composition. On repeat. Forever."  
Link shook his head slowly. "Right… well, anyway, I've got to go speak to this Impa- sorry, _Imp_ person, so..."  
"Righto, see ya then." With that, the other musicians crept back into the studio and resumed playing.

o0o

On his way down to Imp's home, Link took a shortcut through a pumpkin paddock. Bad idea.  
"Ha! Why, it's rare to see a young lad like you in a village like this! Have a pumpkin!" The man threw a pumpkin at Link which smashed into his face, broke his nose, and sent him tumbling to the ground. He took a bite of the pumpkin, felt better, then beat the man to death with the rest. Glancing around to make sure nobody else had seen him, Link continued on his way.

o0o

Further on his way, Link came across a field of plum trees. Stepping in, he was rather surprised to be picked up and thrown through the wall of a house. Looking through the Link-shaped hole, the boy saw an old, evil-looking woman step through. "You keep your dirty little hands to yourself!" Screamed the woman. "These plum trees are a part of me! I… I can feel them… inside my head! They are me! I am plum!" With that, she got on all fours and ran back to the field. Link waited a few moments, got up, and threw a bomb into the field, blowing up all of the trees. The woman screamed, curled up on the floor and began sobbing. "my- my plum trees! They're all gone! Those trees were my life! ...I… I suppose today's the day this old lady's life loses its meaning..." With that, the woman melted away. Link looked at the stump-ridden field, feeling a little bad. Really bad, actually. Maybe he ought to change.  
 _Hey, look, that kid dropped his money. Go take it!  
_ Well, maybe he'd change starting tomorrow.

o0o

Even _further_ on his way, Link came by a peculiar little shop called "The Curious Quiver." Raising an eyebrow, he stepped in. The lady at the counter gasped, giggled, and leant on the counter to reveal a generous cleavage. "My… I can't _remember_ the last time we had a customer in here! I've just been all alone, by myself, having to satiate myself with my own arrows, no-one to use them..." Link cocked his head, a little worried, as the woman kept on speaking in a rather sultry tone. "Young folks in this village don't have much use for a bow, what with their new fads and… problems… but my, it's a thrill to see a young lad like you come into the shop! And might I see what a magnificent bow you have! It's bigger than the ones I've used before… and nice and thick, too… very strong. I'll be able to pull it quite well, I'm sure. A nice colour, easy to hold, I'd say… and the smell of fresh _wood…_ my, you could say it's a girl's dream bow! I hope you know how to use it, my boy, though I'm sure you do. You could tickle my quivers in _all_ the right places, I'm sure!" The woman giggled as Link tried to think up the politest way to leave.  
 _Now,_ what _is going on here?  
_ "Nothing!" Link tried, ignoring the confused look from the woman.  
 _You better not be looking at other girls  
_ "Of course not! Anyway, gotta go!" Link ran out the door as the woman called for him to stop, but he kept running.  
 _You know that doesn't work with me, right? You can't leave_ me. _  
_"That's not fair."  
 _It means I can keep an eye on you. And Gladio. A nice… close eye… mmrm…_ She trailed off as Link, more confused than ever, headed towards Imp's place. Again.

o0o

"I'm actually here!" Link laughed, standing in front of Imp's temple. Well, not quite… his path was blocked by two men.  
"You there!" Said one. "How dare you trespass upon Lady Imp's abode!" The man stared hard at him. The other man, meanwhile, was checking something else out, and happened to spot the Sheika slate. He pointed it out to the first man.  
"A sheika slate, eh?" He said. "But that would mean you're… is it possible? Can it be? Indeed? At all? By a lot of luck? In all the world? In..." As the man kept going, the second one spoke up. "Sorry about him… and please forgive us for behaving so rudely. Step inside, I implore you." They moved aside, letting Link through. Interested to see what all this was about, Link jogged up the steps and entered the temple…

"A man!" Yelled something before he opened the door. Link whipped around, sword out, before seeing a girl covering her eyes. "Put your sword away."  
"Oh, sorry..." Said Link, blushing, as he tucked his sword away.  
"Huh… is that..? Is that a sheika slate? Asked the girl, trying not to look.  
"Oh yes." Said Link, "Want to take a closer look?" He moved his hip erotically, before remembering Zelda and stepping back.  
 _Wise move, husband-to-be.  
_ "Sorry."  
"Are… are you… could you be the hero my grandmother told me about? What was is name… Li… Ln… uh..."  
"You can call me awesome." Grinned Link.  
"Oh, awe-some? Sorry… I thought it was Looney or something."  
Link blinked, but let it slide.  
"Well I… I'm… Pa… paaa..."  
"Papa?"  
"What? No, Paya. With a 'y'."  
"I see."  
"Yes..."

"..."  
"Well anyway, stuff to do..."  
"Yes! Go do it!"  
"Hey, but uh… why were you so weird about me being a man?"  
"I just… I've never really seen a man before..."  
"Really? What about those two men there?" Link pointed at the guards.  
"Oh, they're not men. They're women. Came from the Gerudos long ago. Hence why we used to be so obsessed with the Yiga clan as well before they disappeared."  
Those two sentences raised a lot more questions than Link was prepared to deal with, so he just wandered inside.

The doors opened cinematically, and Link's view changed to widescreen. Imp raised her head, peeling a banana. "Ah, Link… I am much older now, but… you remember me, don't you?"  
"Uh… Imp?"  
"You remember!"  
"Well, no, but everyone's been talking about you. Plus I found this photo of you on the slate from ages ago."  
Imp's eyes widened. "Oh, no, you needn't get that-" It was too late, however, for Link had opened up the photo in all of its UMHD (ultra magnificent high definition) 108010p 255 fullscreen 10 million mega-pixel 444k resolution brilliance. He looked at the photo for a long time, and then back at Imp. "Why, Paya's Grandmother, what big, round ears you have."  
"Ah, all… all the better to hear you with, dear."  
"And what large opposable thumbs you have."  
"All the better to open my banana with, heh." Said Imp as she tore the banana in half and threw it into her mouth, skin and all.  
"And what a hairy everything you have."  
"I beg your pardon?" Scoffed Imp as she drew her cloak close around her. "Now that was just inappropriate."  
"Sorry."  
"Anyway, it seems you've lost your memory, if this report from the doctor is correct. Oh, wait, no, that's _my_ report. I'm getting too old for this."  
"No, it's right, I did lose my memory."  
"Ah, well… it matters not. Dearest Link… please come a bit closer." Link warily stepped forward, and the old woman leaned in close. "A hundred years ago..." She whispered.  
"Oh no, not this again… I've already heard it."  
"Sush. Yes, a hundred years ago, the kingdom of Hyrule was destroyed. Well, not all of it, obviously, 'cause we're still here. As are loads of other people. So really it was just the castle and a few randomised locations designed to hide books for the season pass. But anyway, after you fell, Princess Zelda's final wish was to place you in her sacred chamber. However, I said that she would have to wait until you were awake before you were going anywhere near anyone's 'secret chamber,' so she had a tantrum and eventually said if she couldn't have you, nobody would, and used a poisoned apple to put you in a deep sleep, only to be awoken by True Love's Oral Funtimes©.  
 _I stand by it.  
_ Now, I decided this would be a good opportunity to heal you up, and so I threw you into the Ressurection Chamber to heal. While I did this, Zelda went off all alone to face Ganon. Before she went nobly to meet her fate… she entrusted me with some words she wished to say to you."  
 _Uh oh… actually, maybe you should leave.  
"_Here they are:"  
 _Uh oh._  
"Unfortunately, I've had to censor them to retain a 'T' rating."  
 _Heh…  
_ "I have been waiting one hundred years to deliver the princess's message..."  
Link waited.  
"Here they come!"  
Link nodded.  
"Any second now!"  
Link frowned.  
"NEARLY!"  
Link sighed.  
"Three!"  
Link stomped his foot.  
"Two!"  
Link stopped both of his feet.  
"One!"  
Link stopped his hands.  
"HOWEVER!"  
Link screamed.  
"These words, which the princess risked her life to leave you… well, if you are to hear them..."  
Link began crying.  
"You must be prepared to risk your life as well."  
Link sobbed and nodded.  
"But I am afraid that burden may be too much to bear while you are still without your memories."  
Link stared at her.  
"When you feel ready to receive the princess's message, return to me."  
"JUST TELL ME!" Screamed Link.  
Imp raised an eyebrow. "No need to be so mad. Are you prepared to risk your life for the greater good?"  
Link went to say yes before he stopped. "Well… I mean..."  
 _Oh, come on.  
"_Well it's just… I don't know if I want to."  
Imp cocked her head. This wasn't what was meant to happen. "Are you sure? You do, don't you?  
Link shook his head slowly. "Nah. I think I'll be off now."  
"Wait! Here, I'll tell you!"  
"No, it's fine. You warned me, after all."

And with that, Link was gone.

o0o

 _You absolute bastard.  
_ "What did he do this time?" Sighed Gladio as they trotted along the path.  
 _He's just gone and ruined the kingdom.  
_ "Oh, again? How rude. You're rude, Link."  
"Oh calm down, I'm still gonna save you. We're supposed to be marrying, right?"  
 _And how are you planning on doing that?  
_ "Hrm… well, there was that stuff about divine beets or something, yeah? Like, divine beetroots or whatever."  
 _Beasts.  
_ "That delicious, are they? Well, either way, I can go and steal one of them, right? Use it to fight Ganon?"  
 _Well I… I suppose…  
_ "Exactly. Looks like we've got a plan. Who needs weird monkey people anyway, right?"  
"Chimp! ChIMP! Hah, I get it!" Laughed Gladio. "'Cause she looks like a monkey!"  
Link raised an eyebrow at him.  
"Ah, forget it. So, where to?"  
"Any divine beast, I don't care. I'm gonna need your help, Zelda."  
 _Well, any beast except the one in Zora's domain.  
_ "To Zora's domain!" Yelled Link happily.

wWw

"All rise for the court of Giro and Brigo!" Yelled Tasseren. The others stood as a woman entered, her head bowed and red and purple smeared across her hands.  
"Welcome, fair lady. May I inquire as to your name?" Giro addressed to the chamber.  
"I..." The old women said, her voice croaking. "I am Mellie."  
Brigo stood, gesturing to the audience… which only consisted of Tasseren and Bugut of the Carrots.  
"The boy killed my plum trees! Oh, and my husband. But my plums!"  
Giro nodded. "Ah, that explains the purple on your cheek. I thought you had been killing Sangheili." Brigo leaned over to him, and whispered; "Ah, wrong world, my fellow."  
"Ah, apologies. I'd forget my head if it weren't screwed on! Well, Mellie… kneel." The woman did as she was bid, her backing cracking as she did. Brigo approached her, drawing an ornate, many-folded blade. "Mellie of the Dead Husband and Plums, welcome to our most prestigious ceremonies. You shall help us weed out the putrid infestation that is The Ex-Fairy Boy In Clothes That Are Usually Green. Mellie of the Dead Husband and Plums' face hardened. "I am ready."  
They all laughed. Then Brigo looked at his pocket watch. "Ooh, we'd better clear off. I only booked the hall 'till six and it's ten minutes past."  
They all hurried out, then stood in a circle laughing.

* * *

 **Ta daa. Chapter eight. Gosh, we're nearly at ten. We'll need to have a party when we get there.**  
 **Now, I know I'm missing a bunch of stuff (like the Arrows of Burning Heat quest that wouldn't activate until I speak to Impa) but it's a story that'll just get boring if I do everything, and I'm already working my butt off trying to keep it interesting as it is.**  
 **Now, about Impa. I honestly want to try freeing the beasts first, then speaking to her, just to see what happens.  
**  
 **LASTLY: VOTE!**  
 **Hello, I'm me, and I'm here to present to you the opportunity of a lifetime! All you gotta do is vote on the order you want me to do the divine beasts! Wow! What a pay off!**  
 **I'm assuming most people want me to do the Zora one thingo (Ruta or something?) first, since MIPHA. YUM.**  
 **That said, I wouldn't mind doing the Geurodo one first, only 'cause I reckon that's the hardest one. Eh, your choice.  
**  
 **Stay Impish, folks!**


	9. Chapter 9: Fish Fish Fish MIPHA!

Link's introduction to Zora's domain was not all he had hoped it to be. After getting it up the arse by a swamp-wondering guardian he had-  
 _Hold on,_ what?  
"Yeah, what's this about? I certainly wasn't there to see that." Gladio giggled.  
"It's a figure of-" Link began, but Gladio soon interrupted. "You know, if I'd been aware you were that way inclined I could have helped you out~"  
 _I'd like to see that_  
"Oh, come on guys, seriously."  
"What?" Gladio asked, a little hurt. "Do you think you're too good for me?"  
"I… no, just… like..."  
 _What, Link?  
_ "Well, you know… you're a… horse."  
Everyone was quiet for a moment. Then Zelda broke the silence.  
 _And?_  
"He may have a point." Mused Gladio, and Link patted his shoulder. "Thank you."  
"Yeah, he'd need to start small, maybe a lizalfos, and work his way up. He could even progress to a Lynel if we get it on well enou-"  
"Oh just come on." Link growled as he jumped down from the horse. Gladio whinnied and trotted after him. "Don't be like that."  
 _Yeah, come on, he just wants to show his love._  
"And why are you so interested in this?" Link said as he raised an eyebrow.  
 _Come on, who_ doesn't _want to see a Link x Epon- sorry,_ Gladio _situation?  
_ "Uh… everyone? That's just… no..."  
He heard the faint sound of tapping, as if someone was typing something on a sheika slate. Which would be impossible, since Link had the only one… right? Then Zelda giggled.  
 _My, quite a few people, actually. Look at this;_ Not Just a _Fairy_ Boy. _It's a story about you, written a hundred years ago by some of your admirers! I believe they called it_ AdmirerFiction. _Wow, this looks good. Essentially you go on some adventure with a transparent plot and along the way are forced into the hooves of a rather loving horse. Gosh, I'd better print this out…  
_ Link blanched as Gladio, who had stepped in front of him, gave the boy a wink. "Please just leave me alone."  
Gladio giggled but relented, letting Link back on with a promise of no more tumbly bits… for now. Zelda sighed, but was soon absorbed in some reading, and so the adventure continued.  
Anyway, after the bit with the guardian-  
 _I wonder if there are some stories about that?  
_ -He had crossed paths with a clearing. Clearings were never a good sign. And so here he was, staring at a mass of red grossness. "So… what is that exactly."  
"No idea." Said Gladio. "But I think I'll leave this to you." And with that the horse bucked him off and went off in the direction of a destroyed house, hoping for some corpses.  
"Yeah, thanks!" Yelled Link. Then he realised that probably wasn't the wisest idea. He heard the sound of something very large and very gross standing up, and a great shadow fell over him.  
Literally.  
The Hinox – which Link now knew it was, thanks to the helpful "Hello, my name is Higgins the Hinox" nametag – bellyflopped down, and Link only just managed to dive out the way to avoid it. Drawing the Zora sword he had stolen from a shrine, he took a few good slashes at the thing's ankles, though it hardly did any damage. The Hinox growled and lunged forward, grabbing at the boy, but another roll landed him with a few more hits. Higgins stood, scratching his butt, before stomping his feet around, catching Link's own left foot and cracking several toes.  
"Ow! Hey, stop that!" Link yelled as he shoved a banana into his mouth. Unsurprisingly, the Hinox ignored him and tried grabbing again. This time Link stuck his Zora sword deep into its palm, and the giant cried out as dark green blood spurted out, catching Link on the cheek. The sword lodged deeply enough to crack the blade, so Link grabbed out a claymore and tried again. He had do dodge a frenzied swipe, ducking under the thing's legs, which he soon realised was a big mistake. He had earlier eaten a banana, throwing the skin on the ground, and so now the Hinox stepped back and slipped, falling onto its rump. If it hadn't been for the rather immodest loincloth, Link would have gone straight in. As it was, he instead only broke four ribs, his spine, and his neck. When the creature picked itself up, Link gurgled, coughed up some muscle, and bent awkwardly to reach the squashed banana skin. A few disgusting bites later, Link had gained enough strength to shove a shroom into his mouth, along with a few apples. The hinox, who at this point realised Link was somehow regenerating, grabbed the boy, waved him in the air, and then opened its mouth. Link, thinking fast, grabbed out a keese, a magma fish and a flesh-eating frog, and threw them down its gullet. Higgins yelped, dropping Link (who had to eat another few apples to compensate for the broken leg and collarbone) and stumbled back, gurgling. Link stood up as he watched Higgins begin to scream, clawing at its throat, as the skin began to bubble and wax, and soon the dead magma fish dropped out of a bleeding hole, along with a rather large amount of phlem. The hinox's screams turned to a depressed, though desperate, gurgle, and then its left eye flipped back into its head, replaced by a frog who hoped out and went off in search of an ecosystem to destroy. As for the keese, it flew around wrecking havoc in the hinox's stomach before disolving in acid, poisoning the lower gut. All in all, Higgins had a rather bad time, falling down hard on the grass, still waving its limbs pathetically. Link jogged up and kicked it in the empty eye-socket, causing another gurgle-scream to rise from the holed throat, before he climbed up onto the bloated belly and stabbed his claymore in, cutting a nice circular hole. Reaching in, he grabbed two small blobs of hinox guts, then hopped down and used the blade to rip off three of its toenails. The sword broke, so Link just left it there, then went on his merry way, stopping briefly to wash the green blood of his hands, humming along to the sound of the Hinox's imminent death.

o0o

"Hey! Over here!"  
Link turned in surprise to see some water talking to him. After a few moments he saw a small red ball bobbing in the river, and a few seconds later he realised it was a head, attached to a body hidden by the water. Link blinked a few times in response, so the strange creature just continued talking.  
"Uwaah! You're a… Oh my! Oh, wow! Oh, whoa! It's a Hylian! A real Hylian!"  
Link cocked his head. "I… I'm Link. I don't know who Hylian is, sorry..."  
You _are a Hylian, you idiot. It's a species. That's you.  
_ "Oh, I see. Yes, I am Hylian."  
The thing was quiet for a confused moment, so Link took a good look at it. Red, oily skin covered it, and two long, elegant, hair-like flaps hung down like hair. Behind, he could make out another, longer, almost tail-like fin. Its eyes were big and golden, and its nose was small, as were its lips. All in all, a rather humanoid face. What Link found intriguing, however, were the multiple rings around its long neck. They disappeared into the water, though Link found himself wishing he could see more. They were strangely beautiful, these things, though he was a little embarrassed by his feelings.  
 _That is a Zora. Gross, disgusting things. You wouldn't like them at all. Just don't look at them. Or think about them. In fact, turn away now. Zoras are evil. Evil beings with laser eyes and-  
_ "Hey, you… _are_ a Hylian, right?"  
Link blinked again, trying to think of the right words. He was getting a little flustered, a feeling he found rather unusual. In fact, what frightened him most of all was that he had absolutely no interest in causing it harm. What was wrong with him?  
"I'm just going to assume you are. Anyway, what are you waiting for? Go see Prince Sidon!"  
"I, uh… w-who?"  
"The dreamboat Zora prince! Oh, he's so handsome. All the Zoras love him. And all the Rito. And Gorons. And Hylians. And fish. And Bokoblins! And Moblins! And the sun and the stars and oh!" The Zora shivered and squirmed in the water, and Link chuckled uneasily. "Oh, right. So uh… were c-could I… f-find him..?"  
The Zora pointed to the north. "He's waiting at Inogo Bridge, which is upstream of Zora River. Just follow it along. And hurry!"  
"T-thanks!" Link blushed, and hurried away before anyone could see his sword threatening to break loose.  
 _What… was that?  
_ "What was, uh… what?  
 _You know what. Were you flirting with her!?  
_ "No! Of course not! I… it was just strange. Haven't seen a… _Zora_ before." The word was sweet on his lips. Did he have some kind of hidden Zora fetish?  
"Oh, _anyone_ who sees Prince Sidon gets a Zora fetish." Gladio helpfully commented, seeming to read his thoughts. And having had appeared from nowhere. Zelda, meanwhile, was fuming.  
 _Let's turn around now. Turn around or I'll read the fanfiction aloud.  
_ "Please don't."  
 _Then go to the Rito or whatever!  
_ "We're here now. And you heard the… Zora, they need the help of a Hylian."  
 _Argh! Don't you love me at all?  
_ "Hey now, where did that come from?"  
"I think there's something she's not telling us…" The horse mused as Link mounted him. Trotting down the path, Link pointed to a Sheika Phallus. "Let's zip by there quickly. Getting an aerial view might help."  
"Right you are." And with that, they were off, with Zelda reading at full volume.  
 _"Oh Link, you're even bigger than me!" Truffles giggled as Link moaned,_ _rubbing up against the lusty stallion. The silent hero did not speak, only bucked against the-  
_ Thankfully for everyone, at that moment an alarm clock went off, and Zelda stopped.  
 _Bother, time for Ganon's laser beam treatment again._  
"Oh thank Hyrule."  
"I was rather enjoying it." Giggled Gladio.

o0o

It was a long and boring climb up the tower, but the view was rather extraordinary. After registering the zone on his map, Link turned to jump off before nearly bashing into a Zora. A Zora!? Link gasped and casually shifted position, then cleared his throat. The Zora turned in surprise.  
"WOW! I cannot believe it!" After clearing its throat, the Zora continued. "Excuse me! Yes, you! I am Gruve of the Zora!"  
"Gruve? N-nice, uh… name..."  
"Yes, well… It is apparent that you are a traveller, but may I ask what brought you here?" Link thought for a moment, but Gruve continued on anyway. "I, by order of Prince Sidon of Zora's Domain, am searching for a Hylian. Or I was… but then I fell asleep. I awoke to a loud noise and awful quaking, and now here I am! I'd… like to get down and be on my way, but I'm simply too high up!"  
Now if this figure had been anything else, Link would have happily pushed it off the tower. But Gruve, this wonderful Zora, was just so… mmmn.  
A quick glance down revealed Gruve to be a male. Link cocked his head, considering. He was cute, but perhaps Link desired the soft, fishy flesh of a female. He would have to wait and see.  
"Anyway, Prince Sidon is down at the bridge below, but for some reason I cannot seem to catch his attention! But you! You are a Hylian, yes!"  
"Yes!" Shouted Link, happy to know the answer.  
"Fantastic! Well then, my luck is improving! Could you possibly head down there and see him? And if you could possibly alert him to my current predicament, that would be wonderful."  
Link found himself saying "Certainly!" And before he knew what was happening, he had jumped off the tower and was paragliding down to the waiting prince below. Link was curious to discover what all the fuss is about. Surely this prince couldn't be _that_ handsome, right?

o0o

Link arrived at the bridge without fanfare. It was empty, and the thrashing rain and cold wind made the whole place rather miserable. Link kicked a stone, wondering where this prince was. Such a Zora shouldn't be late, right?  
And then a bright orange glow fell across the bridge – or was it just his imagination – and a red blur flipped from a tower above him, coming to a perfect point landing just in front of our hero. Yes, Prince Sidon, awe of all the Zoras, set down lightly upon the stone bridge and grinned with teeth so white, a sparkle momentarily blinded Link.  
"Say hey there! Young one!"  
Link swore he could here music playing. A beautiful guitar.  
"Pardon the introduction, but… you're a Hylian, aren't you?"  
Link tried to speak, but his mouth was glued shut. Sidon's beautiful, firm red flesh was perfectly smooth, toned, and certainly easy on the eyes. His face was firm, cocky, but in that cute way you couldn't help falling for. And he had the hottest fins. The fins were what Link loved most. He decided fins were the greatest things in the world, and my did Sidon have _fins._  
 _You're weird.  
Says the one reading AdmirerFiction_. Link thought, though the idea was smashed by other, rather more _exciting_ ideas. Link decided he indeed could go for a Zora man.  
"Would you spare a moment to talk?"  
Link was jolted out of his thoughts, and nodded eagerly.  
"Wonderful. Fantastic to see a Hylian here. Oh, pardon me… I am Sidon!"  
"The Zora Prince!" Yelled a few Zoras who popped out of the water. Sidon chuckled deeply, his voice like velvet upon silk upon more velvet covered in rich dark chocolate with a cherry twist and a perfectly crisp wafer. "Yes, well, such titles are trivial. But what is your name?"  
"U- uh… L… um..." Link blushed, and Sidon gave him an encouraging smile. "L..?"  
"I...in.."  
"Lin?"  
"Link. It's… Link."  
"Link. Curious name… I like it!"  
Link's knees wobbled at that.  
"Actually, it's a fantastic name! Though… I cannot shake the feeling I've heard it before." The last part was almost to himself, though the hunky Zora soon resumed business. "Well, in any case, it is a strong name. A link in a chain!"  
"It… takes one more to… uh… make a chain..." Link tried, though his voice was so quiet the wind drowned it out. Sidon continued. "To be honest, I've been watching you."  
"You… have?" Link was suddenly worried that Sidon had seen all the things he'd done. The prince, however, stood tall and ran a hand through his… hair? "Well, no… I just like to say that. Makes it easier. But I can see by how you carry yourself you are no ordinary Hylian. And I must say, I love your warpaint!"  
"War… warpaint?" Link used his slate's mirror application to check his face. Indeed, he had forgotten about the Hinox's blood, but the rain had washed it into a rather fetching pattern. "Oh… yeah. Yeah that's… from my clan."  
Sidon nodded. "Clan. Tradition. I like it. Now, Link, you must be a strong warrior among the Hylians, correct?"  
Link wasn't quite sure what to say here. So he just shrugged, trying to be nonchalant. The move came off more like someone with shoulder pain, but Sidon looked past it. "No no no! Do not be so humble! I can tell just by looking at you. I…" Sidon winked. "I am a Zora prince, after all. I have an eye for talent that is unparalleled!"  
If anyone else had said that, Link would have stabbed them. However, all he would do was rub his hair in embarrassment. "W-well..."  
"Yes! Exquisite! And what a fine specimen you are! Perfect figure, lovely ears, fantastic tush!" Sidon gave it a cheeky smack. "Why, if I were into Hylians, I'd have you in an instant." Link felt a little crushed at that. Could he change the Sexy Sidon's mind?  
"Ah, but alas, I am not my sister. Now, I have been searching for someone like you for a long while. A man like you, Link, who carries himself with power! Right now, Zora's Domain is in grave danger! Divine Beast Vah Ruta is beside himself with madness, though we don't know why, and we need someone like you to help stop it! Please, promise you will help us! We need your strength, warrior!"  
"I will!" Link yelled, not too sure what he had just signed himself up for.  
"Wow! Really!? Brilliant! Thank you, Link! You are indeed the man I thought you were! Now Zora's Domain will be saved for certain! No time to waste! Let's head over. I could give you a ride on my back-"  
Link liked the idea of that.  
"But the waterfalls may prove difficult. Plus, we need some sort of trial, eh?"  
Link nodded again.  
"Amazing! What a spirit! Now, the cliffs are too wet to climb, so you'll just need to head along that path. Simple! Oh, but there are some rather _shocking_ creatures waiting around, so do be careful. All ready? Harah! Off you go now, see you there! And don't give up, I believe in you!"  
And with another blinding grin, the Zora jumped back, executed a double half-spin backflippy thing that looked _divine,_ and dived into the water with barely a splash. Link stood where he was for a while, breathing slowly, before turning to the path and relucantly heading up it.  
"What a hunk." Gladio giggled from the sidelines, disappearing into the bushes.  
 _Shut up horse. This is your fault.  
_ With that, Zelda huffed and returned to her quarters for some more light reading, leaving Link to attack the path himself.

o0o

After an exhausting climb, with much frantic healing and desperate fights involving a frustratingly large number of times dropping equipment due to electrical shocks, Link arrived at Luto's Crossing. A long, innocent-looking bridge, Link jogged across, eager to arrive at Zora's Domain and see Sidon again. Just as he reached the end, however, the Zany Zora called up to him from below. "Hey, Link! Look below!"  
Peering over the edge, Link gave Sidon a shy wave. "You're still pretty far off, my friend! But I was sure you'd be passing over here, so I was waiting. You will be in Zora's Domain before you know it! Good time!"  
Link giggled, though he dared not call out such a distance.  
"In fact, I'm heading that way now! I shall meet you there! For real this time!" His grin made Link squint, but then the perfect prince frowned. "Whoa! Link! Beware, warrior! A monster approaches from behind you!"  
Link looked up in shock to see a Moblin. Eager to impress, he drew a forked boomerang and threw it, lodging it deep into the Moblin's side. It kept coming, however, so next came the guardian sword he had also taken from a shrine. The energy blade sliced again and again into the Moblin, but still the thing managed to push Link away, smashing its giant wooden club straight into his face. A tooth lodged into the back of his throat and Link went down, face burning with embarrassment more than pain. Getting up, he drew an eightfold blade and focused. As the Moblin prepared to strike again, he dodged forward, and instead of a flurry rush, he used his momentum to stick it into the Moblin's stomach. Still moving, he pushed forward and turned, completely opening up its stomach. Watery Moblin guts spilled onto the bridge, though Link stepped deftly forward to avoid them, and looked down from the bridge in triumph.  
However, there was no Sidon. The fantastic fish had left. "Bother… I hope he didn't see me get hit..."  
 _Why do you care?  
"_Shut up Zelda."  
 _I knew you didn't love me._ The poor princess sniffed, and Link sighed. "I still love you. Sorry."  
 _Yeah, well, remember that.  
_ "What? Why?" But she'd gone, and so Link continued across the bridge, avoiding the guts staining the bridge (though he picked up a few on his way and stuffed them into his pack).

And here he was, finally, at the foot of his destination. Before him was another, even longer bridge, but he spanned it confidently, soon coming to the main entrance. It was a beautiful place, blue and wet and windy, but certainly majestic. Gems littered the architecture, and Zorafolk wondered its paths with wary enjoyment. Link didn't care about all that, however. Instead, the beautiful red beast leaning casually on the head of a guard, waiting for him. When their eyes met, Sidon grinned (Link remembered to look briefly away) and sauntered over. "I've been waiting for you, Link!" He skipped down the steps, coming face to face with the nervous hero. "Welcome! Behold the pride of my people, Zora's Domain! Now I shall introduce you to the king. Hurry, this way!" The prince pointed to a grand chamber just ahead, capped with an oversized though elegant fish sculpture. "Come!" And with that, he was gone. Hurrying after him, however, Link was stopped by a guard. "Huh? M… Master Link? Is that really you!?"  
Link blinked, glancing around. "Uh..."  
"We… used to swim together when I was but a child… remember? I'm Rivan..."  
"I, um… that sounds… familiar?" Link tried, but the Zora but a hand to his chin. "Well, it has been over one hundred years since the… and now I'm over one hundred and thirty… I must say, you've aged well for a Hylian. Unbelievably well!"  
Link grinned uneasily. "Thanks?"  
"Actually, now that I think about it… shouldn't you be dead? Sorry, that may be too personal a question..."  
Link was feeling a little uncomfortable, so he just said "Maybe I am..." and left the Zora to stare in bewilderment into the sunset. Well, that's what he was _going_ to say, but another voice interrupted him. "Uh, father? We are on guard duty right now..."  
"Oh, right… sorry. The leader of the pack, Bazz. The heroine, Gaddison… and my father, Trello… they have all aged quite a bit, I'm afraid, but they're all doing well."  
Link nodded, hoping to end the conversation. Though he was quite happy admiring this daughter of his…  
"Oh, but master Link… you probably shouldn't speak to the elderly."  
"Uh, pardon?"  
"Oops! I shouldn't keep you too long! You have business in the throne room!"  
"Hey, no, why shouldn't I speak to the-"  
"On your way now!" Rivan gave him a gentle push and resumed his duty, but Link decided to say hi to the other one. "Hi, other one."  
"Uh… hi. My father was quite excited to see you. Sorry about that."  
"You're female, right?"  
"My, how… observant you are." The Zora said, turning away from Link prying eyes. "Is there… a problem?"  
"How old are you?"  
"That is NOT an appropriate question to ask a lady you've just met! Ergh, let's just say I'm less than a hundred. Can't you tell?"  
Link shrugged. "Just interested. How about we-"  
"Look, you're needed in the throne room. We can chat after that, alright?"  
"Fine." And FINALLY Link actually headed to where he was meant to.  
After completing a shrine first.  
And also stealing some frogs.  
And plants.  
And checking out the convenience shop.  
And the weapons place.  
And the inn.  
But other than that, the throne room was the first place he went to.

Well, actually, that wasn't quite true. See, Link had gone about his business, but in that time he hadn't glanced upward once. Until he did.  
And there she was.  
He didn't know who the beautiful, goddess-like Zora was, but something strange, deep inside him, pulled lightly. Pulled at his heart. And not like the monks that shoved spirit orbs into his heart. No, this was something else.  
"Can I help you?"  
Link turned, startled, to see an inquisitive Zora by his side. He learned she was Laflat, the secretary or something. When asked if he wanted to know about the statue, Link nodded eagerly.  
"Well, this is a statue of the former… Zora Champion. Her name was Lady Mipha."  
The name touched him, almost painfully. How could the title make him feel so much?  
"She was as kind as she was beautiful."  
She was certainly the latter, though the former was obvious from the way the craftsman – an obvious master – had captured her face. Link frowned, trying to remember why something was just so… _something_.  
"They say her ability to heal wounded soldiers was beyond compare. Regenatorive powers such the world had never seen before… or since. Those soldiers she healed… they are old now. But they remember. For this reaosn, the elders love Lady Mipha dearly. I would suggest talking to them if you want to know more."  
Link considered telling her that he'd been ordered not to, but he kept quiet. As the Zora wondered away, Link took a few more minutes to stare at the statue. Then he reluctantly went on his way.

The chamber was as big as he thought it would be. Standing to the side was, of course, Sidon, though Link had forgotten him. Though he somehow reminded him of this Mipha character. How strange… he had mentioned a sister. Could it…?  
"Ah. You must be the Hylian that Sidon brought here, correct?" A booming voice called out. Link looked up to see the biggest Zora he had ever laid eyes on. Actually, he looked more like a shark. Or a whale. Link was a little confused. And also feeling rather sorry for Sidon's mother.  
"You did well to come all the way here! I am King Dorephan, ruler of the Zora. I thank you for- uh… you must excuse me, but is that… is that a sheikah slate upon your waist?"  
Link nodded, unhooking the device. He still felt distracted.  
"HMMM!?" The kingly Zora yelled. "Now that I have gotten a good look at you, it is all too clear who you are… You are Link. The Hylian champion!"  
Link didn't say anything, though he noticed another Zora, standing to the left and looking like a hammerhead, glance sharply up. The king cocked his head, confused. "Do not tell me you have forgotten me..."  
Sidon also gave a start. "The Hylian champion!? You can't mean THE Link!? Of course, how could I have missed it?" So that's why I have heard your name before! What a fateful coincidence that we should cross paths!"  
"I cannot believe it. The Hylian champion, Link, has appeared before us… we have met numerous time, I'll have you know. Ah, the memories. The… memories..." A dark look crossed the King fish's face. "I… had heard that you fell in combat. I'm glad to see that… you survived. But how?"  
And so Link told his story, about how he'd been asleep, had forgotten so much, had made his way here… of course, he missed out all the fun, horrible bits, so really it was a pretty boring recount, but Sidon and the King enjoyed it none the less.

However, after Link had finished, King Dorephan fell into deep thought. After a few moments, he looked at Link. "But… surely you must remember my precious daughter, Mipha, yes? You do, do you not?  
As much as Link wanted to say he could, the boy was unable to conjure up any hard memory, so instead he just hung his head.  
"I cannot… believe it. Have you truly forgotten my dear Mipha as well? You and Mipha were so… uh… close. Yet you do not remember her?"  
"I… sorry."  
"Young hero, please look upon the beauty of Zora's Domain. You have seen the statue, correct? And yet gazing upon her immortalized form still does not jog your memory?"  
Link shook his head sadly. To break the loop, Sidon spoke up. "Father… I do not believe discussing my sister is helping matters. Link is… confused."  
So, indeed they were brother and sister. The King nodded, apologising. "Ah yes, of course. But first, it is worth noting that Sidon brought a Champion here without realising it! Quite a feat, my boy! Link, I doubt not that you have endured a great many trials. Still, I must ask you hear my plea. Zora's Domain is in danger of vanishing beneath the onslaught of Divine Beast Vah Ruta. Speaking bluntly, we… cannot stop this beast alone. Will you lend us your strength."  
Link looked up at the massive Zora and nodded, determined.  
Beside Dorephan, the hammerhead _thing_ spluttered in outrage, finally speaking out. "What!? King Dorpehan! My liege! Please do not speak so! To ask a Hylian for help… why, the very thought of it curls my fins!"  
Link decided this was a Zora he wouldn't mind pushing off a tower. The King sighed. "Muzu, I expected more of you. How can you still protest? You're so old Vah Ruta would probably just look at you and you'd splinter."  
Sidon blinked, and took the calmer road. "Link is here because I invited him, Muzu. With such unprecedented rainfall, we have no choice but to rely on the aid of a trustworthy Hylian. Becuase rain is evil. It causes water, which we swim in, and we can breathe underwater as well, and also there's that underwater city the rest live in underneath the Domain citadel, but if this goes down, we're doomed!"  
Link raised an eyebrow, but stayed quiet as Sidon continued.  
"Have we not already discussed this and arrived at that very conclusion? He is the key, I have no doubt in my mind!" He gave Link a wink.  
Muzu curled his fists. "We cannot trust these lowly Hylians, my liege. Have you forgotten? They were the ones that, a hundred years ago, abused the power of an ancient civilization, realising guardians, beasts that turned against their owners and free-to-play games that con you into using microtransactions! I nearly went broke playing League of Links! And… that is not the least of it!" He sighed. "It is their fault Lady Mipha was… was lost to us..."  
The king fell quiet. He glanced at Sidon, but the prince had looked away. "...Link… The..." He squared his shoulders. "The Divine Beast has great power. It can create an endless supply of water. Somehow. Actually, I think it had something to do with the creation of Gerudo desert, so maybe not endless, but… well, it's been mercilessly spouting water into the air. As a result, this area has been plagued by heavy rains. As Sidon has said, that should not be too big of a problem to us. But this domain is the gateway to the rest of the world, and the great dams. The eastern reservoir is in danger of collapse, and if it breaks Hyrule field could be flooded. That would lead to a year of very soggy grass. And it would also obliterate all of the guardians. But we can't risk it. So, we-"  
Suddenly, a great roar – much like a trumpet – sounded out. Nearby, a Zora began playing weird, slightly calming piano music. From the reservoir, Link could see something resembling a robotic elephant. How curious.  
 _There, the Divine Beast. Happy? I'm supposed to believe in you, but really I don't care anymore. Look, it's been taken over by Ganon's malice, so that's annoying, and you're meant to stop it. But I still think you should go take over a different divine beast. I mean, it's an elephant. Come on, there are much cooler beasts you could have. How about a giant camel thing?  
_ Link told her to shut up, and King Dorephan titled his head. "Are you alright? You seem to be in a bother…"  
"Sorry, Zelda was yapping on."  
"Lady Zelda? Lady Zelda's voice, you say? She's… alive?"  
"Yeah. And she won't shut up."  
"But that is marvellous. Yes, perhaps there is hope after all. I know the… the events… of one hundred years ago cannot be altered. But if we can regain control… perhaps we can defeat Ganon once and for all! For real! No sequels!"  
"Don't say that, father." Sidon grumbled.  
"Anyway, Zelda had a great interest in studying Divine Beasts. Before the Great Calamity, I mean. According to her research, the glowing orbs on Ruta's shoulders, the ones that say 'aim here,' control the water supply. They require electricity to work, which we Zora cannot touch."  
"Yes, which is why..." Sidon began. "I came in search of a Hylian! And here you are!"  
"Indeed. So we need you to shoot some shock arrows around the place. As a gift of faith, I am willing to give you this..." He nodded to Sidon, he disappeared behind the throne, returning with a garment in his arms. Handing it to Link, the hero saw that it seemed to be some kind of armour, blue with ornate metal plates. It was light, and seemed to be waterproof. Wondering what it was, Link read the helpful tag. _"Custom armour painstakingly crafted by each generation's Zora princess for her future hus- husband? Oh, and you can also fly up waterfalls."  
_ Link blinked. Surely this didn't mean… no, it was just the tag. Obviously the Zoras needed him to ascend a waterfall or something, not… Link felt rather weak. Of course, Muzu was there to ruin the moment.  
"King Dorephan! Surely you do not intend to give this outsider the Zora armour! Countless generations of Zora princesses have gifted that armour to the one they have sworn to marry. Not the same armour, obviously, but they make it! It takes years of sewing lessons and sexist demands to create it! Princess Mipha made that one there with her own hands! It is far too important to entrust to a…" He spat on the ground. "A _Hylian_! He may be a champion, but Mipha… she certainly had no such relationship with him. So why should he receive it? This is all to much! Huh!" And with a great huff, he stormed off, slithering off the bridge into the water below. Dorephan turned to Link in embarrassment. "I apologise, Link. Muzu is not easily swayed once his mind is set. Like when he became convinced that water was wet. You must understand… he was in charge of education my dear daughter. Naturally, she means a lot to him… to all of us. He has grown to despise Hylians. I… hope you can forgive him."  
Sidon padded over to Link. "Look, I'll go sort things out with Muzu. How about you embark on a quest you're totally unprepared for, involving a dangerous Centaur-thing that can kill you in one hit, while trying to find shock arrows _in the rain._ Sound good?"  
Link shrugged, and Sidon patted him on the back. "Good man." With that, he ran after Muzu. King Dorephan looked after him, and then, to himself, muttered; "I suppose that means you are going to tell him..." Link raised an eyebrow, but kept quiet, and the King leaned down to him. "Look, Link… Muzu will probably be in the square below. I think he just needed some fresh water. Could you go speak to him as well? It might, uh… _make things easier._ "  
Link shrugged, but nodded and headed down. However, he decided first to go get those shock arrows. He had a feeling Muzu might need some time…

"Hello sir! East gate is clear! No Lyn- well, if it isn't master Link! Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?"  
Link stared at the Zora, hanging by the bridge.  
"Ah, right, don't you remember? Gaddison. We used to play together all the time. Gosh, actually, you don't seem to have changed much at all! Still just as feminine!"  
Link frowned, but Gaddison continued.  
"Right, but I shouldn't be making idle chitchat just now. We can grab a nice bowl of frog soup a bit later, yeah? I'm supposed to be fulfilling my officially appointed duty of keeping watch at the east gate. Oh, and don't go hunting that Lynel, you hear? That would be silly. Yeah, don't do that. Nah uh."  
Link sighed, nudged the Zora out of the way, and continued up the path.

Link's first experience climbing a waterfall was certainly not what he had expected. Putting on the tunic – which fit perfectly, curious since he didn't exactly have a Zora body shape – he swam to the base of the waterfall. Then he kinda just… _dived upwards_. At an extremely high speed, too… and when he reached the top, his momentum kept him going and he flew up into the air, allowing him time to glide to the base of the next one. He kept this up the entire way, ascending the mountain in no time at all. "I could get used to this." He giggled. It was kinda like a backwards water slide. In fact, after he finished the last one, he was about to paraglide back down so he could do it again when something whistled past his ear, making his hair stand on end. The air seemed to crackle, and he turned in confusion to see a horse aiming another arrow at him. Well, not quite a horse – it had the body of a very angry… well, it was humanoid, but it had a red mane and great big tusks. Actually, it looked a lot like Ganon would, if Link was remembering the thing attacking the castle when he was on the plateau correctly.  
He decided now would be a very good time to find some cover. Gliding quickly down behind a rock, he pulled out his eightfold blade again, ready to deal some serious damage. Letting out a battle cry, he sprinted at high speed toward the Lynel, who raised an eyebrow and crossed its arms. When he was within ten feet, it drew out a great axe and casually cleaved Link in half, galloping a few meters away. Thankfully for Link – considering – he had been cut in half across his belly. His pack still on his back, he used his last few seconds of consciousness to stuff every apple, pumpkin and shroom he owned into his mouth. Then he pushed himself backwards, shoving into his lower half, which promptly squirted a great amount of blood at him. He could actually feel his intestines re-attaching, slowly connecting, pumping blood again as the arteries came together. His muscles tightened, knitted together, and a minute later he stood up, gasping. It was strange; he hadn't felt so confident healing before. Looking at his tunic – which had somehow remained completely intact – he felt something, somewhere. As if it was helping him.  
Turning to the Lynel, who was just staring in amazement, he drew his blade again. "Come on then."  
The Lynel roared and surged toward him, axe raised high, and as it swung Link dived to the left, slashing at the thing's foreleg. Coming up, he dodged again as it reared onto its back legs, smashing down. He used the time to strike again and again, ripping its leg to fleshy ribbons, but still the thing stood. It backed away, and Link drew his bow, ready for some long-distance attacking.  
Then he realised it wasn't retreating…  
It was _charging._  
It barreled toward him at high speed and Link just dived to the left, head down, as the axe whoosed over him, missing by an inch. It screeched to a halt and turned again, still running, and this time Link stood his ground. Aiming, Link threw his sword just as the Lynel raised its weapon. The blade arced through the air, flying true, smashing into the Lynel's head. It broke on impact, shattering as bits of metal cut up its face, and the beast went down, crashing to the ground in a great plume of dust. Link ran up to hit, but still it was alive, and it kicked his chest, catapaulting him through the air and into the tree. The trunk splintered, and Link grabbed a carrot to heal his ribs. He felt he really ought to have a lot more health than he did, but he didn't have time to think. The Lynel had gotten up and now it had a bow in its hands. Rolling to the side to dodge _three_ arrows at once, Link ran up and drew his claymore. Jumping, he stabbed it into the Lynel's side and used it to hoist himself onto its back. "We would make an amazing team." He tried, but the Lynel made a grab for him. Ducking, Link ripped the sword out and stabbed it into the Lynel's neck, at the perfect position to do so, holding on tightly as it tried to buck him off. Feeling the blade already beginning to splinter – why were all these weapons so defective? – Link dragged the blade, cutting deep into its flesh. The Lynel roared again, and this time managed to grab him. Crushing his hip, the Lynel looked at him. Everything was still for a moment. Then it snorted and threw him, hard, and Link flew over the landscape and over the edge of the cliff, tumbling down toward the water of the reservoir. He had time to appreciate the view of Vah Ruta, before frantically grabbing for his paraglider. However, he was tumbling too fast and could barely make sense of whether he was up or down, and so just before he hit the water he went for a dive, hoping to hell he wasn't going to bellyflop.  
Thankfully for him – and the rest of Hyrule, especially those that got their drinking water from the reservoir – he didn't. It was actually rather graceful, though the speed at which he hit the water made him black out, very briefly. By the time he came to, his water was running out. Why didn't this armour have other powers, like letting him breathe underwater? No, that would be ridiculous.  
He swam up, aiming for the light, and it felt like eternity before he broke the surface, gasping in great breaths of air. Spluttering, he pulled himself up onto the dock that cut through the reservoir, just laying on the cool, though nicely sun-warmed stone. And then something hit the ground in front of him. A… quiver? He reached over to look inside. Yes, it was full of arrows, shock arrows. Twenty, at least. But how had..?  
He looked up at the mountain, but saw nothing. He must have ripped it off accidentally when the Lynel had thrown him. What luck. However, he was still annoyed about losing. He didn't like to lose. Yes, he would go back there, one day. Give it a good thumping. For now, however, he had the shcok arrows, so, with great complaint from his muscles, Link pulled himself up and headed back to Zora's doman.

o0o

"I know it's-"  
"I don't care! I don't care _what_ you-"  
"Mizu, please, try to listen."  
"I can't believe that-"  
They both stopped when Link cleared his throat. Sidon gave him an apologetic smile, but Mizu just grumbled at him. "You came all the way here, Hylian, but it was in vain. I have no desire to speak with you."  
"Mizu, listen. There is something you need to know." Sidon began. "He who stands here… the man called Link..." He blushed a little, and coughed. "He is the one that… that my sister had, uh… _feelings_ for. I was only a child at the time, but… it was so."  
Link stared at him, something warming inside of him. Mizu, however, just appraised him coldly, so Sidon continued. "I grew up hearing my father tell stories, some of which were about my sister's undying love for a Hylian… named Link."  
Mizu glowered. "No… You cannot fool me with such a fanciful lie. Not this Zora. How could she possibly have feelings for a Hylian like him? I would have known, anyway! I was her teacher!"  
Sidon raised an eyebrow. "None?"  
Mizu faltered. "Well, no. Just a few times when I'd come in and the Hylian happened to be there and they were both all flushed and this one time when Link had forgotten his armour. So no, no! The facts are clear! Even when he looks upon Princess Mipha's statue he remembers nothing."  
"It is the truth. He was ever in Mipha's-"  
Mizu was about to say something, so Sidon cleared his throat. "Uh, _heart_. In her heart."  
Link looked away from him, back up to the statue. There was just something so… something so…

And then he remembered.

 _Vah Ruta. Daytime.  
_ It was late, the sun was setting, everything cast in a beautiful orange glow. Below, the water sparkled, and some people bottled it up to sell for high prices at market time.  
He was sitting on the trunk. Comfortable, though not because of the stone. His arm hurt, though the pain was fading, and something warm was at his elbow. He turned.  
And there she was. Mipha. A beautiful, delicate shade of red. The glow of the sun did her well. She was clad as she always was in public, with the priest-like uniform of a healer. Link blushed as his eyes wandered a little over the part the uniform didn't _cover.  
"I was thinking..."  
Link coughed, looking up, hoping she didn't catch him. No, she was too busy focusing on his arm. A simple duel scratch, but deep. It didn't bother him now.  
"This reminds me of the time we first met. You were just a reckless child..."  
Link smiled at her. "Child?"  
"Well, you always came in with some new scratch or cut… and I… I would heal you. Just as I'm doing right now." She was quiet for a moment as she closed the wound, but her hand remained at his elbow. Her other came down to rest softly on his arm. "I thought it was funny how, being a Hylian, you looked grown-up so much faster than I did. But I… I was..." She looked down, blushing slightly. So was Link. "I was always willing to heal your wounds. Not in a weird way! Just..." She cleared her throat, and let go of his arm. Link felt cold without her. "Even back than I, well… it's embarrassing. But now, now that we're..." She broke off, and shifted slightly, leaning against his shoulder. "I know it must be hard,_ _with the Calamity looming, but… if anyone tries to do you harm, I'll be here, ready." Link smiled again, resting his head against hers. He sighed deeply, enjoying the contact. When he spoke, his voice was quiet. "After, when it's done… we'll be free to… well..."  
Mipha nodded slowly, squeezing his arm. "I dread to tell Mizu, but he'll come around. Even if he seems determined not to see."  
"I… uh..." Link chuckled uneasily. "Thank you, Mipha."  
The Zora seemed to be waiting for something else, but when it didn't come, she nodded again slowly. "I know you're nervous, but you have no reason to be. We'll get through this, I know it."  
"I know." She leant in for a kiss, and they embraced. And then they… oh… uh…  
They, you know… um…  
_  
Link came back out from the memory, blushing furiously. Maybe he'd revisit that later, when he was alone. He could certainly do with a little breather. Though he just felt like having a little cry.  
"Link? Link… Are you… unwell?  
"You're quivering like a hatchling." Mizu grumbled, and Link blushed again. "I… remember. Mipha..."  
"What!? Do not take me for a fool, Hylian! There is no way you remember her now, when it is most convenient. I will not take your word. You don't even have any proof!"  
Beside him, Sidon sighed. "Have you truly not seen, Mizu? Just take a look at what he's wearing!"  
They all looked at the Zora armour. It took the old fish a moment, but then he gasped. "Eh? That's… you're… wearing the armour! And it… it..."  
"It fits." Sidon said. "Perfectly. And he's no Zora. You understand now, correct? She made the armour for him. For Link." Mizu stared at Link as the prince continued. "You have always disliked Hylians, even before the Calamity. That is why Mipha didn't tell you. But now you… you must promise to help him save us!"  
Mizu sighed again, and looked up at the statue of Mipha for a long while. "Fine. I do not approve of asking a Hylian but… I suppose it is our only choice. Link, you'll need shock arrows. You can find them up on poly-"  
Link took off the quiver and showed it to him. Mizu blinked. "Ah, right… so you've already been..."  
"I told you he was a warrior!" Chuckled Sidon. "Link… I'll be waiting for you at East Reservoir Lake. I trust you know it?"  
"Rather well." Link muttered, and the prince gave him a hard pat on the back. "Marvellous. When you're ready, we can take back this divine beast, and free Mipha's spirit. I'm sure… wherever she is… she'll know you're there." He gave Link a nod, then walked off.  
 _So… you know then?_

"You were trying to keep it from me, weren't you?"  
 _No! I just… there's… Mipha…  
_ "I can't believe you would do that."  
 _You love Mipha, don't you?  
_ "I love Mipha. Yes, and I'm sorry, but… Zoras are just too hot."  
 _What if I got some fins of my own?  
_ Link paused. "I… no! No, I'm in love with a cute Zora princess and that's that."  
 _Who's dead.  
_ Link paused again. "I… um..."  
 _Link, I'm always here for you. Especially when you realise there's just no way of getting Mipha back. We're destined for each other.  
_ "Oh come on. No, I love Mipha. And all I can hope is that, somehow… I dunno..."  
 _Link…  
_ "No. Look, why don't you just hook up with Gladio or something?"  
This time it was Zelda's turn to pause. _I… no. That… maybe for a bit of fun but in the long term I don't really see that  
_ "Ugh." Moaned Link, rolling his eyes. "You are… there aren't any words."  
 _Really pent up at being stuck in a perpetual state of youth with just myself and a few Bokoblins and Moblins and Lynels in a castle for a hundred years?  
_ "By 'with bokoblins and Moblins' I hope you don't mean-"  
 _It's hard, okay? Sometimes I need a little bit of-  
_ "UGH!" Link covered his ears – not that it really helped – and ran toward the reservoir as Zelda began telling him some stories he really didn't want to hear.

wWw

"So, I see we have someone new. Name yourself, sir." Giro announced to the chamber. They had gained many more members, most from a recruitment campaign headed by Mellie of the plums, involving free, well, plums.  
"I am Higgins." Said the giant as the makeshift doctors continued their work fixing his many wounds.  
"Welcome, Higgins. Higgins of the Lost Toenails." Brigo nodded. Below him, Tasseren held a trident in the air. "Lord High Giro? We have finished sourcing the weapons you asked for. However, may I suggest..?"  
"What do you suggest, General Tasseren?"  
"I believe I have a lead on… well, a way to forge our own weapons. My scouts have located a fort far south of here, abandoned many many years ago. The local population may cause difficulties, but we are far enough away that we should be able to remain covert. The fort is defensible, as well."  
"Fantastic. Good work, General." Brigo said. Beside him, Giro mentioned to one of the servants they had enslaved from a nearby small settlement. "Fetch me another fruit platter." Lord High Giro had become rather… _large_ these past few days. However, he still made sure he was ready to fight a Hero any day, reading from old magic books he had found in a cave. He looked at Brigo in distaste. Brigo was becoming an annoyance. Giro didn't like having to share power.  
"Bugut of the Carrots?"  
"Yes, Lord High Giro?"  
"I enjoy your carrots, and Mellie's plums, very much. However, we need a more reliable source of food. Something easy to grow and, more so, something that can make us stronger."  
"I believe I can do that. Give me some time, and I will return with results."  
"You have two days."  
"Yes, your Excellency." And with that, Bugut skittered away.  
"Oh, and call me Master, now." Giro shouted after him. He was enjoying this power.

* * *

 **EDIT: (Read at the bottom!)**

 **Well, there's a rather large chapter for you. The biggest yet, woo.  
That was to make up for two things; being a little absent recently - I've been composing music for some band, so yay - and also because my last year of school will be starting up in three days. Yay. Not. AH, year 12 you evil thing.**  
 **So yeah, I'll be slow. Which is sad, because _WE'RE ABOUT TO MEET MIPHA!  
_**  
 **Buuuuut, I _did_ say I'd do something special for Chapter 10, and I keep my promises (sometimes), so I really think you'll like what's coming. Who said we can't say 'stuff you' to the LoZ universe and make some changes.  
**  
 **Now, this chapter became something of a romance-humour mix. Which was weird. So my question is this: Link seems to be getting all nice and stuff (ew), especially with Mipha appearing soon, so are we enjoying the newly reformed Link, or do we want him to be a horrible little s**t again? Your choice.**  
 **Oh, and apologies for the many inappropriate moments. But those are the most fun. Heh.  
Gosh, I'd better keep it subtle ( _well_ ) though, because I want to keep this T- rating. **

**Anyway, that's it for now. Look forward to some Mipha fun. Not sure how I'll make it funny without destroying the poor girl, we'll see.**  
 **Now, we're slowly getting to 1000 views, which is nice. I'll have something ready for when that happens, too.**

 **Right, so obviously I haven't even _started_ on the next chapter yet, and here we are at 1000. Yay! I certainly didn't expect that, and I know it isn't much, but thanks guys! (Insert all the emojis here. Ugh.)  
But yes, I'll reveal by 1000 plans next time! Haha!**

 **But now for the important but; I personally like the reformed Link, but there's been a little pushback on the idea. I mean, dicky Link is lots of fun too. Still, I'm not exactly sure how to please everyone, so even _more_ input could only help! Even if it's just a 'You suck, go write something real.' I'm okay with that!  
I'm desperate!  
No, I kid, but I really am at a crossroad here. Could I get a somewhere-in-between Link? Would that be okay?  
Hold on, I'M the author here, it's my choice!  
But I don't really want that choice...  
AH anyway, that's enough mindless dribbling. Expect a chapter in 3 days. Less, if school is as boring as I think it'll be!**

 **Stay fishy, freaks!**


	10. Chapter 10: The Return

Link approached the dock with trepidation. At the edge stood Sidon, looking quietly up to the Divine Beast. The water from the iron trunk flowed mercilessly into the air, coming back down in a fine, stinging mist that scraped the skin and draped everything in a gloomy, grey blanket.  
 _You know, it'd be a lot nicer in the desert. Warm, sunny… mmn, doesn't that sound great?  
_ Link ignored the princess as he approached Sidon. He had his sights set on a rather more aquatic princess. Yum.  
"Link?" Sidon turned, his expression something Link had never seen before. Fear? Sadness? Whatever it was, it disappeared in an instant, replaced by his usual, cocky grin. "Glad to see you're ready to go! You've got your armour, your shock arrows… yup, all good!"  
Link nodded, his expression grim but set. "Let's do this."  
"Wonderful! You never cease to amaze, Link! Now then, let us go and appease that Divine Beast as one!" He turned, still grinning. Link noticed the smile was slightly forced. "Here we go!"  
He turned, flipped, and dived into the water, all in one graceful move. As Link sat on the edge of the pair, ready to jump in, Sidon stopped him. "Link, gaze now upon the Divine Beast's back!"  
Link gazed upon the Divine Beast's back.  
"See those glowing, pink orbs? With the-"  
"With the 'hit me here sign.' Yes, I know, we went through this."  
"Ah, right. Well, as you may have guessed, you've gotta aim there. With a shock arrow."  
"Oh, really?" Link said, sarcasm in his tone. Sidon ignored it. They were both nervous. Sidon turned back to him. "Well, you should be able to ascend waterfalls with your armour, so it will be my job to take you alongside it." Link raised an eyebrow at this. How exactly was Sidon supposed to help here? It wasn't like he was going to-  
"Now get on my back!"  
Oh, he was. Hopping into the water, he grabbed hold of Sidon's back fin. It felt rather strange, and Sidon must have thought so too because the Prince let out a gasp and said; "Uh, Link, what're you, uh… heh, what're you doing back there?"  
"Just holding onto-" Suddenly another flash of memory came back. Mipha had loved it when he stroked her back fin, almost as if… um…  
Link let go of Sidon's fin. "Sorry! I, I didn't..."  
Sidon giggled. "No, it's… fine. It's fine. Maybe we could do it sometime when we aren't about to face down a giant beast." Sidon laughed as Link blushed, then looked back to Vah Ruta. "Just squeeze with your legs. You'll need to use a bow, after all."  
"While I'm riding!? Why?"  
"Oh, didn't I tell you? Vah Ruta shoots out these giant ice block thingies. Oh, it's not that hard, just tap 'em with an arrow. Don't worry about the physics behind it."  
Link sighed but squeezed, and Sidon squared his shoulder. "Right, let's do this. For reals this time. Here we go!"  
And they sped off through the water at breakneck speed, and Link had to squeeze even harder to stay on. Beside him, a few more Zoras formed a kind of raft, upon which sat a few Hylians Link recognised. The men from the Kokiri band. How strange. Behind them, a full orchestra sat by the water's edge, playing some cool-ass battle music.  
"We're rooting for you Link!" Said one of the men.  
"Yeah, you freed us by opening the one-way door!" Said another.  
"The one you didn't know about!" Shouted the third.  
"So we've been following you around with cool music!" Said the fourth. Link rolled his eyes with a smile, and Sidon just looked rather confused as he neared Vah Ruta.  
"Go Link!" Said the fifth.  
"Oh, and I'm James!" Said the sixth. "I play experimental piano when you're out in the field! I have no idea how to play, I just sorta bang the keys… but I'll do it for you none the le-" He was cut off as a block of ice hurtled into him, cracking his skull as he toppled into the water, frozen. The others didn't seem too sad, though they did retreat back to the band to take part.  
"Thanks guys!" Link yelled, then turned back to the task at hand.  
"Who were-"  
"Don't worry about it."  
"Right you are. Anyway, you've just experienced Vah Ruta's ancient and powerful defence mechanism! The ice cube throw is feared around Hyrule! Especially when vah Ruta plays drinking games!"  
Link ducked another ice cube, then drew his bow. "Ready to get serious?"  
"Getting serious now!" Yelled Sidon as he sped up, circling vah Ruta.

Battering away another block with a well-shot arrow, Link found he was almost beginning to enjoy this. What a strange and useless defence mechanism.  
"I'm going in, get ready!" Yelled Sidon as he turned a tight angle and surged toward one of the conveniently-placed waterfalls. Jumping off, Link ascended it quickly and flew into the air. Here he had a perfect line of sight to two of the 'hit me' spheres, and so he drew a shock arrow and- time almost seemed to slow down as he aimed. Hitting the first directly, causing a great discharge, Link drew another arrow and was just about to aim again when suddenly everything sped up and he plummeted back into the water. How annoying. Splashing through the surface, he grabbed Sidon's waiting hand and pulled himself back on as they retreated.  
This time the Divine Beast had something new in store. Spiked Ice Balls of Fury, Sidon called them. Somehow, these were easier to knock out of the way, as they just kinda trailed sadly behind them until he put them out of their misery with an arrow. Then they sped back in and Link shot another sphere right in the sphere.  
"Two more to go!" Yelled Sidon. "I can't believe we didn't just do this earlier with the Hylian that we tried sacrificing to the Beast! It seems so easy!"  
"Come on, _you_ try shooting arrows while moving at high speed through the water or air!"  
"Yeah well _I_ don't have a recticle to aim with. Anyway, let's concentrate, vah Ruta's using normal ice blocks _and_ Spiked Ice Balls of Fury now!"  
"Big deal." Shrugged Link as he casually began knocking them out of the air.  
Ten arrows later they were swimming towards the second last sphere. As he shot up into the air, a thought occurred to him. He shot the first sphere out, then used the paraglider again, sailing over to the other side and shooting the orb there. As he expected, it worked fine. Perfectly, actually. The final sphere exploded as he dived into the water, and vah Ruta roared as it grated to a halt, the water flow finally ceasing. Sidon shielded his eyes from the sudden, glorious light that appeared, and he took a few moments to sigh into the sky before swimming over the retrieve the Hero.  
"Good job. Now, as we all know, when you disable a Divine Beast and its defence system, its final security attempt is to stop, crouch down, and open all of its doors. Just so you can go inside. Isn't that nice?"  
Link nodded as he watched a platform emerge, and a door open. Inside, he could see a completely pointless, intricate puzzle. Apparently, either the Sheika or Ganon had a strange sense of humour. Did Mipha have to solve this when they excavated it?  
He didn't have time for such thoughts, however, as already vah Ruta was beginning to recover from the power surge. Swimming up, Link hopped onto the platform and then offered his hand to Sidon.  
"Uh… yes, Link?"  
"What? You… you're coming, right?"  
Sidon hesitated. "Well… I mean… I suppose I don't really have any reason to go back… it isn't like I burnt a fin or anything..." The prince shrugged. "I suppose we do need you to succeed, so to send you in by yourself would be cruel and ridiculous.  
 _Hey, he can't! The scrip-  
_ Link blocked her out again. "Look, hurry up, vah Ruta's about to start back up!"  
Sidon nodded. "Right, let me just-" Suddenly he was shoved aside by a large platform that seemed to spring up out of nowhere. A few orchestra members ran in, setting up in a large auditorium area. The first three men gave him pats on the back as they got ready to conduct. Link growled at reach out to Sidon when the fourth pulled him aside. "Excuse me, Link, but we just need to- yes, this way! Further! Further! And it's on. Start pulling!" He was referring to the massive great grand piano that was being pulled on. Link, as annoyed as he was, did have to admit that the man playing it (the ninth brother, who had kept quiet before) was actually playing something rather relaxing. A strange kind of watery waltz. Fantastic imagery. Perhaps a little repetitive, though…  
"Link!" Sidon yelled as vah Ruta roared.  
"Right, coming!" The hero shouted, running up to the edge. However, it was too late. The platform began rising, and Link rolled all the way back into the divine beast as Sidon growled in annoyance. "Well fine then! Look, you can do awesome on your own, Link! Good luck! Don't die!"  
Link couldn't reply, as the door shut and everything fell quiet.  
Even the orchestra.  
Link gulped, looking around the grand space. Padding slowly to a pedestal, he quickly registered the travel gate to his slate. Then he jerked back as a shrill dial tone rang out. He touched his sheika slate, which displayed some kind of weird green symbol, shaped like a shallow magnet.  
"You're… here..."  
Link froze, staring into space. Was it- it couldn't be… Mipha? MIPHA!? Heck yeah!  
"L-link?"  
"Oh, uh… yeah, um..." Link cleared his throat. "Hi. Hello. How do you do?"  
Mipha frowned. "Are you… okay?"  
"No, I'm fine, I just… sorry, there are some emotions running through me right now."  
"I know, I… yes. Lot's of emotions. Ah, no, right, but um..." She paused. "I'm so… so happy to see this day has finally arrived. Now we can… we can be..." The princess let out something akin to a sob. Then she breathed in slowly. "We can be free."  
Link let out a little sob as well. He was happy to speak to here, sure, but… would he really have to let here go when he defeated Ganon?  
"You'll, um… a map! You'll need a map. So you should probably come and get it. And then we can finally see each-" Suddenly the voice cut off, and Link looked wildly at the slate. "Mipha? Mipha!?"  
No reply. He read the message. _Call blocked by_ Ganon Boi 100 _, if you have a complaint, please register it at vah Ruta's network manager._ Link threw the slate across the floor in annoyance. A few seconds later he went and picked it up. Obviously it was undamaged – it was stone – but it was also the only contact he had with Mipha. Oh, Mipha… Sweet dear Mipha…  
 _Oh shut up.  
_ Link sighed and turned to walk down the hallway as the orchestra started back up. A map, Mipha had said. So where exactly was  
 _Ew! It's one of those gross eyeball things!  
_ Link stared at the strange purple gunk in front of him. "Wow, that's some… that's some band conjunctivitis.  
 _Very funny. You didn't steal that from somewhere, did you?  
_ "Of course not." He drew out his bow, ready to fire, when he stopped. Then he put it away, instead taking an octoballoon. The sack still contained water from the river-dwelling octorock he had taken it from, so stepping carefully to the eyeball he poured the water directly in. The eyeball blinked a few times, and the purple washed away to reveal a nice saffron colour. Perhaps more of a scarlet. It glistened slightly, as if- oh wait, that was the colour of muscle. The eye wasn't blinking, it was _screaming_. Apparently, water melted the strange purple flesh completely off.  
"Jeez, you try and do something nice, follow the pacifist path, and this is what happens." He shot it straight in the eye to put it out of its misery, then continued on through into an even bigger space. After disposing of a guardian and another eye, he looked around. The auditorium style space he stood in was impressive. Above, cogs and gears sat stationary, and beyond the far door he could see out over the reservoir and to the landscape beyond. What primarily caught his attention, however, was a locked iron gate. Beyond he could see the map, but that wasn't it. It was something else. Some strange… _feeling_ , deep inside, that he couldn't place and yet was so very familiar. It was on the edge of his memory, tugging at him, and so he moved to the gate. He knew he was supposed to use cryonis to lift the gate up, but realistically the space under the gate was big enough that he just got on his back and rolled under it. And there was the map room. The Cartographer, which would be a cooler name if it wasn't already used by something else. But still the feeling remained. He could see the pedestal, and to the side a small, partially hidden door that was probably used for maintenance or whatever, and so he placed his slate in the slot and waited for the map to drip down.  
"L… Link? Is it truly..."  
Link whipped around, facing the door. The feeling, so strong now, so-

And there she stood.

 _Mipha._

Dressed as he remembered when they had parted. Her ceremonial robe had been exchanged for something more practical; a strong – though still very ornamental – set of Zora Armour. At least it covered all of her… bits. Ahem.  
But hold on, that couldn't be right, could it? Shouldn't she be floating off the floor or see-through or something? It was almost as if… as if…  
"Link? You… you look like you've seen a ghost. I know it's been such an awfully long time, but we-"  
Link let out a little scream and stumbled away, landing butt-down on the wet floor. "You… you're..."  
"I… I'm..?"  
"You're… alive!?"  
Mipha blinked. "I… I hope so." She looked down at herself. "I'm rather confused, Link. Were you expecting me to be-"  
"I thought the champions were… I thought they..."  
Mipha breathed in sharply, beginning to understand. "I think I… Link, I managed to contact Zelda and the other champions just before… well, we _are_ champions Link. We may not have defeated Ganon's incarnations, but we did at least fight him off enough to escape to the Sealing Chambers. You didn't… didn't think there was only one resurrection shrine, did you?"  
Link nodded sheepishly, still aghast and unable to think properly.  
"Oh… I thought Zelda would have… she said that you were badly injured, I was so very worried, but she said you were taken to the shrine by Impa… and I knew..." She trailed off, just looking at Link, taking him in. Her memories were certainly still there.  
Something inside Link clicked. "You knew!?" He shouted.  
Mipha stepped back, arms up. "What? I-"  
"No, I… sorry, not you. Zelda."  
 _Well I mean… it isn't like-  
_ "I can't believe you. I _cannot_ believe you. I lost my memory, and you were taking _advantage_ of me?"  
"Link?" Mipha tried, taking a step closer. "You… lost your memories?"  
"I did. I'm trying to get them back. It's proving rather difficult, no thanks to princess over here." He said slowly.  
"I don't understand why that would happen, unless-" She stopped. Link squinted at her. "Unless?"  
"Well I don't want to… it's just-" She hesitated, then sighed. "Perhaps such an… 'arrangement' could have been made when preparing the shrine..."  
Link twitched. "So you're… you're saying that Zelda-"  
 _Hey now, let's not be hasty, I saved your li"  
_ "You _orchestrated_ this!?"  
 _Let's not bring the band into-  
_ "Just- shut up. Shut up. I can't believe you."

 _Link, can we talk about th-  
_ "No. We cannot. Leave me alone."  
The princess went to say something, then sighed, and Link thought he heard her leave the room. Good. He let out his own, deep sigh, then looked to Mipha. He smiled. She was still alive. Oh. My. Goddess.  
"Link, do you think we can-"  
He crossed the room in three strides and pulled her into an embrace. She stiffened for a moment, then relaxed and hugged him tightly back.  
It was a long few minutes before they parted, but it felt much too short for them both. However, they had things to do.  
"Mipha, I'm so glad you're… well, I'm glad you're safe."  
"As long as you walk in Hyrule, or even beyond, I will stay safe so that one day you may return to me."  
Link smiled. "How long did it take you to come up with that?" Mipha laughed back. "Much longer than it took you to criticise it."  
"Hey, I wasn't complaining. Very poetic."  
"Now you're just being annoying."  
"Ouch, some way to talk to your lost love."  
"Well now you're back, so I can. And I… I'm glad you're back. And that I'm here. It's… I look forward to leaving this place. Vah Ruta is nice, but there's nothing like a waterbed to soothe the aches and…" She turned slyly to him, brushing lightly against him. "You know..."  
He raised an eyebrow. His memories certainly didn't cover this part of Mipha. He quite liked this part. "So..." He questioned. "What are you going to tell your father when you get back? And Sidon? And… well, Mizu?"  
Mipha paused. "What will I tell father?"  
"Well he thinks… they think..."  
Mipha gasped. "Don't tell me they think I'm… _un-alive_ … as well!?"  
"They… that s correct."  
"That is… confusing. Did Zelda not tell them? Why would she..." Mipha sighed, and Link nudged her. "But hey, you've got a statue now."  
"A statue? Really?"  
"Yup. It's gorgeous."  
"Gosh. That's… both peculiar and pleasing to hear."  
They hung about in silence for a little while longer, both reluctant to move. Link was the first to draw out his map. "Right, well… there are some terminals to activate, right?"  
"Oh! Yes, five. One should be just over there. Oh, and Link, please tell me the healing worked?"  
"The… healing?"  
"The ritual I set up. Oh, right, memories… I imbued your body with most of my power just before you went to fight Ganon. I can't heal very well now, but a source of food should have activated it..."  
Link gasped. "AH hah! Why, everything's coming together now! So that was you?"  
Mipha nodded, a little shyly, and Link gave her a grin. "You've saved my life more times than I can count, in that case."  
"Oh, well… that is nice to hear."  
"And a nice explanation, too. Gosh, I've almost run out of things to _Link_ together! Hehe!"  
Mipha sighed and shook her head slowly as they moved towards the first terminal. "That was awful."  
"You're welcome. Seriously though, I like it when loose ends are tied up. There'll be more, I'm sure, but I think most of them are closed for now. Thank goodness."  
Mipha looked at him strangely, but just shrugged, and moved her hand to his hip.

wWw

"Yes, this encampment will do nicely," Giro said with a smile. "And my… little _arrangement_ is sorted?"  
"Indeed, Master." Bugut of the Carrots murmured. "The hole is so deep the diggers died from the air pressure."  
"Wonderful. You are a good secondary. Have Brigo thrown down it immediately. And bring me Mellie of the Plums."  
"Sir?" Mellie asked, appearing from the side.  
"It has been two days. Have you completed your assignment?"  
"The food is procured. A farm just north of here has agreed to supply us with a regular supply of fruit at a cheap price. Primarily bananas, which I know have a strength benefit to them."  
"Good job. Marvellous job. And General Tasseren's training goes well, I assume?"  
"He has connections to the forge. They supply all sorts of weapons, though long ago they used to supply katanas, curved blades, bows of interesting ability etc. to this very place. Tasseren has order production be revived, and he is teaching the arts as you have instructed."  
"Brilliant. All is going to plan. Have scouts sent out across Hyrule, looking for the Hero. They will attack on sight, viciously. Keep the best with me, for now. I have some ideas for defence."  
"Yes Master." 

* * *

**YES, I JUST DID IT.**  
 **I BROUGHT MIPHA BACK TO LIFE. You're Welcome.**  
 **HAPPY 10TH CHAPTER!**

 **I don't care that it isn't canon. It's better this way. Horray!**

 **Now, I assume you all see where the Anti-Link party is going. Take a read through the earlier chapters; it's all been leading up to it!**  
 **Woo.**

 **This is just a short chapter I whipped out to reveal the magical return of everybody's favourite Femme Fish. Fun times ahead.**  
 **As for Link's general dickishness? Don't worry, it'll be there. Trust me.**  
 **No, ew, not like that.**  
 **Or no, (though mmn), not like that.**  
 **Whatever spins your wheels.**

 **Stay Nijish, folks!**


	11. Chapter 11: Watery Bugger Ganon

"So I'm assuming you can just, like, hit some manual override switch and take back control?"  
"Uh… no?"  
"Really? You sure?"  
Mipha frowned at him. "No. That isn't how this works."  
"Bother. They really didn't see this coming, those Sheika dudes, did they?"  
"Nope. Obviously not, where do you think they all went? Just disappeared?"

They came to a little platform submerged in water. Below the chilled surface, Link could see a faintly glowing terminal. "That's the first one?"  
"Indeed it is." The Zora sighed as she looked at the chains connecting the platform to the cogs above. "And don't ask me why, but for some reason Ganon's made a bunch of changes. There never used to be that giant metal handle."  
"Metal?" Link grinned and took out his Slate, aimed, and shot the magnetic waves which quickly attached themselves. With a few deft movements, the handle turned and the cogs ground into action, lifting the terminal in under a minute. Link smirked at his companion – girlfriend? Zorafriend? – when he was done. "You sure that wasn't always there?"  
"Definitely not. Who else has that weird contraption?"  
"Actually, I think quite a few do. I've been getting some rather strange messages."  
 _That's probably just the SheikSpam database. It's been running for the last millennia or so."  
_ "I thought I told you to leave me alone." Link growled, and Zelda skulked back off. "That would make sense though. I don't really want to "Huge your Pens." I don't even know what that means."  
"Oh, believe me, your 'pens' are perfectly adequate." Mipha giggled. "Anyway, let's continue. The next terminal should be just above us."  
They headed out the side door and ascended the ramp that climbed the side of Vah Ruta. Link and Mipha took a moment to admire the view, before heading through the doorway onto the second floor. All seemed to be going well when suddenly Link shoved the Zora to the side, dodging a laser blast from a guardian.  
"How did _that_ get up here!?" Mipha yelled as Link drew his claymore. Smacking it into the robot, he was dismayed to find it do little damage. Instead, it just kinda broke everywhere. He jumped back to avoid a swipe from its sword, and then pulled Mipha back down the ramp in a hasty retreat.  
"That was a bit sad." Mipha said, raising an eyebrow, but Link was to busy drawing _another_ claymore from goddess-knows-where.  
"Miphes, I'm gonna go have another crack, you wait here."  
"If you charge in and do the exact same thing, it won't just be your sword cracking."  
Link looked at her, and the Zora pushed him gently aside. "Here, let me."  
"...Uh, you?"  
Mipha blinked. "Yes, me. Is that a… problem?"  
"Well, no, it's just… uh..." Link waved his hands around, trying to come up with a proper response. Mipha stepped to the side, avoiding the casual accidental sword stroke, and shook her head. "I'm perfectly capable of fighting, Link."  
"You… sure? All I can remember is saving women. That seems to be my thing. For some reason."  
"Well, right, maybe Zelda is terrible at everything, but I can certainly handle myself. Anyway, it'll be fun!"  
Link frowned at her, confused. This certainly wasn't the Mipha he remembered. What happened to the quiet little pacifist that was nervous about asking him out?  
By the time he looked up, Mipha had already turned and begun walking back up the ramp. He scrambled after her, ready to jump in.  
She didn't even have a weapon!  
And...  
She certainly didn't need one. Upon seeing the guarding she dodged right, the movement hardly even showing any effort, stepping out of the path of a laser. Behind her, Link dived to the right to avoid it, smacking into the stone wall. He pushed himself back up in time to see the Zora he so dearly loved jump into the air, landing lightly on top of the guardian, and turn to look at him. The robot beneath her turned this way and that, but could not move into a position even _close_ to hurting her. Apparently whoever designed it hadn't thought to put in proper articulation.

"Gosh, I… hadn't thought of doing that." Link said, slightly in awe. Mipha smiled, then reached down and grasped its head, stepping onto its arms. After a little struggle, she managed to turn it, literally unscrewing the top, then reached in and ripped out the core. Jumping off, she came to a stop just in front of Link, smirking as the machine exploded behind her.  
"That… was very cool." The boy said, and Mipha just shrugged, handing him the core.  
"Well, I gave you most of my powers. Had to learn to defend myself."  
"But..." Link stood up, feeling a mixture of awe, fear, jealousy and… well, just plain aroused, really. "Didn't you… like, have an oath of pacifism or something?"  
"What? No? I mean I suppose I used to be a little soft, but..." She trailed off, and Link tilted his head. "Mipha... are you feeling alright?"  
"Um... yes? I'm great! It's nice to be back in the open, with you~"  
"Yeah, uh... me too. But... the memories I've had back are a little... conflicting..."  
"What in Hyrule do you mean, Link?"  
The hero waved his arms in the air. "Oh, no, nothing much, just... well, I remember you being all nice and soft and... plain."  
"Plain?" Mipha crossed her arms, and Link scrambled. "No, uh, beautiful! Like, the prettiest Zora around. Just... not that feisty."  
"Need I remind you of my 'unparalleled skills with the trident?'"  
"Pardon?"  
"I trained as... you didn't know?"  
"I suppose I have some reading to do."  
"Eh, it's probably on a monument somewhere. I'm sure some old geezer will give you a quest to look at them all for no reason at all. It was easier when he told me to do it; there were only three. By now there's probably _ten_ or something!"  
They both chuckled, then Link frowned. "Seriously though... you were having some fun destroying that guardian."  
"... Yeah. I looked pretty awesome, right?"  
"Totally magnificent."  
"I guess, after everything Ganon has done... I just want to rip his ass off. With my teeth."  
Link blinked. "P-pardon?"  
"I want to hit him lots of times with my trident."  
"...Right."  
"Look, I'm still me, Link. I still love you for than anything else in Hyrule."  
Link sighed. "As do I."  
"...Also, ever since my sleep... I'm not sure. I've just felt all energetic and excitable and... I just wanna do stuff. Maybe it was all that time asleep. But... there's certainly a lot of things we haven't, erm... done in a while."  
Link blushed as Mipha gave him a coy smile. Then she tilted her head. "Do you actually... remember any part of us doing... _stuff_?" She coughed as Link considered. "Well... I might have if it wasn't for… _her._ " Link made a rude sign at the sky.  
 _I'm not up there.  
_ Link surveyed the landscape for Hyrule Castle, found it, and made the rude sign in that direction instead.  
 _Ouch._  
Mipha followed up with her own rude sign, then turned back to Link. "Well, you have a lot of surprises in store. Again." She grinned and smacked his hindquarters, enjoying her newfound confidence, and walked on.  
Link just watched after her, and enjoyed the view.

o0o

After that weird little bit o' dialogue, the next course of action was to activate the second terminal. Mipha led our hero to a giant cog, pushed by a fountain of water. "There's the next one. Don't ask me why, but it's on the inside there. Basically, we need to stop it from moving long enough to activate the terminal."  
"Well, how did you used to do it?"  
"Don't ask me. I didn't have a Sheika Slate, remember? I pretty much just left them alone."  
"Ah. Look, I'd love to help, but I'm out of ideas."  
"Well, let's look at what we have. A turning cog, lots of water, a fountain pushing it along… water… not quite icy cold, but still a bit chilly… and we need to stop that water."  
"Yes… hrm..."  
"So if we _stop_ that water somehow… by blocking it, perhaps? Then we could get to the terminal."  
"Yeah, that seems correct..."  
"But stopping water might be hard. Unless we could **freeze** time, haha!"  
"Stopping time sure would be helpful. I have a thing called stasis, but the cog's too big to stop."  
"Oh. Well, no matter. Perhaps you have something else you could use? You're Slate's pretty cool, to be sure. Awesomely COOL. VERY. COOL."  
Link looked at his companion, confused. "Yeah, I suppose it's alright."  
"Yeah. It is."  
"Oh come on, don't be mad."  
"I'm not! I would never feel cold towards you! Or give you the cold shoulder! You melt my ICY heart, Link!"  
"As do you, my love."  
Mipha closed her eyes, drew in a great breath, and let out a deep, long sigh. "Maybe I need to go back into CRYOsleep."  
"Cryo? That gives me an idea!"  
"Oh finally!" Cried Mipha.  
Link watched the cog for a moment, then jumped on, running at the same speed it turned. When the terminal came down, he grabbed his Slate and tapped it against the receiver, and the whole thing glowed blue before he got a notice that it had been authenticated. Then he jumped off as the Terminal starting rising back out of reach. Back on dry land, the Zora stared at him. "I… I mean that wasn't what I was… uh… but it worked! Pretty simple, to be honest."  
"Yeah, well, what can I say?"  
"I don't understand why you didn't just do that in the first place though." Mipha the frowned. "Hold on, what did cryosleep have to do with that?"  
"Absolutely nothing." Link giggled, and Mipha saw the gleam in his eye. She smacked him. "You _knew_!?"  
"Oh, come on, we already did that joke, back at the stables."  
"Ugh. Look, that's done, let's move on."

o0o

The next two terminals were fairly simple. Fun, pretty much puzzles. Ganon sure had a weird sense of humour.  
"Now for the last one. It's… on the trunk." Mipha turned to Link. "It's the… place where we had that last sunset together, all those years ago..." She smiled sadly, then seemed to come to. "Ugh, I sound like a game character."  
"I kinda like it." He stepped closer, then looked to the trunk above, spraying water into the middle area. "I wonder why on earth they built Vah Ruta so that it could literally shoot water into its back. I mean, that's gotta be bad for the moving bits, right? Rust and everything."  
"Yeah. I don't question it. Lot's of weird things."  
"Oh?"  
"Well there's also this whole manual for it – I think that's why I was the first one to get control of the Divine Beast, since I actually _read_ the manual – and it was written ages ago, by some called Ruta. Or Ruto? I'm not sure, it was in the Old Zora tongue. Anyway, apparently there were sages or something that were still around up until a few hundred years ago – who knows where they went – and she helped design it. Problem is, most of it was about this fellow she was in love with. Actually, I think they were engaged."  
"...Right?"  
"Yeah, but the weird thing was that the guy was also called Link. I mean, how crazy! Right?"  
"Wierd." Link thought for a moment. Ruto? The name rung a bell. A Zora name, he could tell. Maybe there was something about the name Link and a giant raging Zora fetish. Who knows.  
Either way, they had somewhere to be.  
Heading out, they used the map to bring the trunk down and then paraglided down to it, Mipha holding on tightly to Link's shoulders. He quite liked the feeling.  
Once they were above it, Mipha called the trunk back up and they set down heavily upon its surface, running along the top as it turned, until they finally reached the Terminal platform.  
A few seconds later, the last panel was activated.  
"Right, that's that then. Now we just need to use the main Control Terminal. Hopefully some giant monster boss, like the one that took over this beast and is still here, but that I don't need to warn you about, isn't lurking nearby."  
Link looked at her strangely but chose not to question it. Instead, they headed down and into the main auditorium, where the orchestra began playing suspenseful music, and-  
"Uh… who are they?" Mipha asked, tilting her head at the players.  
"Right, yes. They're my ambience orchestra. They follow me around and play music."  
"Till the end of his adventure, for he has let us escape!" Chimed in the first conductor.  
"Hail Link!" Boomed the second.  
"Yeah." Drawled the third.  
Mipha sighed and pushed Link down to the open space, where the Control Terminal sat, squat but somehow also ominous. Perhaps it was the music, or the eerie orange colour, or the Ganon-shaped spray-paint tags placed all around the place.  
"You ready?" Asked Link, and Mipha nodded curtly. "Let's do this."  
"You sound like your brother."  
"Oh yeah, how is he?"  
"Supremely hot."  
"What!?"  
"Help. Supreme… help. Very good at… getting me here?"  
Mipha shook her head slowly. "Right… well, I'll have to watch out then, will I?"  
"Nope, you're way hotter."  
Mipha giggled, then hit him. "Hang on, we're meant to be beating the crap out of Ganon."  
"Language."  
"Hey, I'm my own Zora now. I'll do what I want."  
She took his Slate and smacked it down, and the orange terminal hummed.  
 _"Good Morning, Mistress Mipha. What can I do for you?"  
_ "Activate."  
 _"Did you say, "Detonate?"  
_ "What? No, Ac-tiv-ate."  
 _"Detonating in t-minus three minutes."  
_ "Hey! Cancel!"  
 _"Please state which order you would like to cancel."  
_ "Cancel last order!"  
 _"Cancelling roster order."  
_ "What? I don't even know what that is."  
 _"Sorry, just messing with you."_

"..." Mipha glanced at Link, who just shrugged.  
 _"You have no idea how bored I've been. I mean, you dig me up after all this time, and then go and leave me for a hundred years!"  
_ Mipha stayed silent, and Link took a few steps back.  
 _"It's just… think about me sometimes, yeah?"  
_ "I… okay. Sorry."  
 _"Thank you. Now, apologies, but I'm about to explode and release Watery Bugger Ganon."  
_ "Hang on, can't you just delete him from your files?"  
 _"I… suppose I could do that… hang on, let me just-"_ The voice didn't get any further, because it exploded. The voice became deeper, more evil, dripping with literal malice.  
 _"Hah! Just kidding, it's me, Ganon! It was a trick!"  
_ "Oh, I see." Mipha said, disinterested. Link, however, noticed her fists clench.  
 _"What? Ganon! Ganon of evil and doom! Destroying Hyrule and all that!"  
_ "I… sorry, I don't know who-"  
 _"OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHO I AM! I am GANON!"  
_ "Okay, Mr Ganon. If you could kindly step aside and-"  
 _"You're lying, I know it! Everybody knows who Ganon is! He's the one that just keeps on coming back even though every single time they say this is the last time! Time and time again, they say it. And every time, they are wrong!"  
_ "Right. That was a lot of 'time's."  
 _"Sorry, I'm just really into time. I reckon that other time with the time was my best time to shine. Even though I, you know, lost. But this time will be even better!"  
_ "Why is everyone so obsessed with time? Being a Zora, I personally like the water. And Oceans. And stuff."  
Link stepped in. "Uh, guys? What's… going on?"  
"I'm not too sure." Mipha shrugged. "Want to get on with the fighting?"  
 _"Do you know who I am?"  
_ "Yes yes, we both know." Link growled, drawing his sword.  
 _"I knew it! Hah! Yes, we may now fight. Prepare to be killed by… Water Bugger Ganon!"  
_  
And so they fought.

o0o

For much of the fight, the twosome found the battle almost easy. Circling around the freakish, oozing beast, they pummeled it with whatever they could grab; Link using his mass of claymores, and Mipha using her companion's spears. Stabbing at the rolling malice, cutting great gashes in Water Bugger Ganon's side, it sort of just screeched and waved its own blue spear around uselessly. A couple of times they both had to duck away from Ganon's downward thrusting, the first of which nearly burnt Link's legs off, but all in all Mipha had a hard time remembering why she had had to surrender.  
Then she realised, when Ganon morphed into a weird blue ball thing that flew to the centre of the room.  
 _"Alright! Fine! Since I can't seem to beat you on fair terms, I'm going to have to do it!"  
_ Link glanced worriedly at Mipha.  
 _"That's right! My special power! Get READY! Here it COMES!"  
_ Ganon began screaming, throwing his arms into the air and making the ground rumble dramatically. Behind them, the orchestra reached a grand crescendo as Ganon curled into a ball, charged his power, then flung out his arms and bellowed.

And a little puddle of water appeared at Link and Mipha's feet (flippers?), and a few platform rose a bit. Mipha tilted her head.  
"... _Okay, so uh..."_ Ganon scratched its head. _"Maybe my power's decreased a little."  
_ "You lost to this?" Link queried, but Mipha shook her head. "Last time there was lots of water, and he was freezing it. It was pretty intense."  
 _"It was! I remember! And of_ course _! Ice! Thanks for reminding me, darling."_ And Ganon clicked its fingers, summoning a few small blocks of ice. Link raised an eyebrow, amused, but Mipha nudged him. "About how healthy would you be? Like, if you pretended you have multiple hearts, symbolically representing your energy, about how many would you have?"  
Link looked at her blankly, so Mipha tried again. "Okay, so, I'd say that at the start of your adventure, you'd have three. How many times have you prayed to the goddess statues?"  
"Statues? Ah, well, funny story… I may have utterly destroyed it."  
"What!? How?"  
"Just… explosions..."  
"Urgh. No, but there are loads more. We have one back at Zora's domain."  
"Alright then, I'll go say sorry. But what does heart have to do with anything?"  
"Well, as weak as they look, those iceblocks would do, say, two and three-quarters hearts. So… I'd duck."  
"Duck?" And then an iceblock smashed into him, cracking his lower jaw as his head snapped around, fracturing his spine. Crumpling, he splashed into the water, his teeth floating out in front of him, along with an eye and much of his nose. His arms waved as water flowed into his lungs, choking him, and his one good eye saw only red as a bucket of blood flowed out from his utterly destroyed face.  
Mipha yelled out and dived in as Ganon crossed its arms. _"That's what you get for ignoring me in the middle of a fight."  
_ Grabbing a handful of now soggy Hyrule Herbs, Mipha dragged Link back onto a platform and squeezed that water out of him. Or tried to, at least, but a shard of ice had punctured his neck and it had caved in, blocking the water in. So Mipha improvised. Grabbing her spear, she stabbed down into one lung, and then the other, and tipped him over. Thanks to the relatively simple anatomy of a Hylian, the water spilled out as Link's vision faded. The pain had already dulled, thankfully, so he didn't feel Mipha shoving armfuls of herbs, shrooms and fruit in through his throat. The effect was quick, as his wounds began to close, so Mipha pulled her arms back and threw a spear just in time to knock another ice-cube off course.  
"I suppose I'll have to finish you myself, then." She growled, picking up the other spear and aiming. A hard throw later, Ganon's own eye was speared directly. It screamed and went down, and Mipha dived into the water, propelling through the cool aqua like a jet. Grabbing the spear she had thrown at the ice block that had fallen into the water, she thrust it into Ganon, letting forth a jet of dark purple blood, and then cut down, making a long slit. The blackness was pouring out, and though it burnt her delicate flesh, she kept dragging it down, gutting him from head to tail-end thingo. Water Bugger Ganon screamed as its innards were exposed, the water that flowed in dissolving its inner malice. Mipha swam quickly away, coming up back next to Link, he by this point had managed to stand up. A few pumpkins later he was strong enough to jump to the next platform as Ganon pulled itself up and out of the water. Before it could rise back into the air, Link jumped, claymore out, and stabbed into Ganon's neck, hanging there. Mipha grabbed his legs and pulled him down, Link's sword biting deeply into the exposed flesh. Once his feet touched the ground, they both pulled down hard, and a sharp _riiiip_ sounded out as Ganon's head fell, bounced once, and splashed into the water. The rest of his body squirmed as copious amounts of black and purple blood jetted out. A little over the top, really.  
Then sharp purple beams burst out of the rest, frying the malice, and seconds later it was gone.

Mipha sat down hard. Her face and stomach were burnt from the malice, and so she worked to heal it as Link ate a carrot. Then he came over, a look of worry on his face. "Are you… like, is there anything I can do?"  
"Just be here, with me."  
He was certainly able to do that. Sitting down next to her, he leaned in and rested his head on the Zora's shoulder as she closed and fixed her own wounds. She hadn't had to do that for a long time. She was glad to finally be able to help fight, instead of just sitting by her father's side and healing the soldiers. Which is probably what she would have to do if she… went back…  
"Link?"  
"Mm?"  
"I… I have a strange request."  
"I'll do it."  
"You haven't… oh never mind. Look, you said that father thinks I… I am no longer here, correct?"  
"That's… true..."  
"Well, just for now I mean, could you… could you keep that up? I don't want to go back yet. I want to stay with you, help defeat Ganon!"  
"I… would like that, more than anything. But think about them. There's a statue of you! After the damage Vah Ruta has done – everything is wet now, which is bad for some reason – I know that if you came back… well, I'm sure we could count on Zora help when it finally comes time to assault the castle."  
Mipha thought about that for a moment. "Rallying troops again? What a good idea. I just assumed you'd do it all alone, despite the large number of perfectly-abled soldiers situated throughout Hyrule."  
"Of course not, that would be ridiculous."  
"Well… I suppose. But I want to come help you on some of your adventures, alright? And I'll have some of my own. In fact, should you want to liberate more beasts – which I know you will – I can do one myself!"  
"More? Isn't one enough?"  
Mipha Looked at him and frowned. "Possibly, but think of the people subjugated under the tyrannical and damaging existence of these beasts."  
Link thought about the people subjugated under the tyrannical and damaging existence of the beasts. "I… suppose. Plus, more troops then, right?"  
"Right."  
"Well, that's settled then."  
"Where will you head?"  
"Not sure… right now, I think we should head back to Zora's domain, say hi to Sidon."  
"And father."  
"If you want. Now let's activate this bloody Control Terminal." He reached over and tapped his Slate against it. Mipha flipped a few switches and pressed a few buttons, after making Link put a seatbelt on and adjusting her rear vision mirror, and then everything trembled as Vah Ruta's inner workings began, well, _working_. Finally, the beast was truly divine.

It was a majestic sight, seeing Vah Ruta once again crashing through the water, trumpeting excitedly, playing in the water and-  
"Is it meant to be doing that?"  
"No, sorry, let me- there we go."

It was an incredible sight, seeing Vah Ruta once again crashing through the water, roaring as it climbed up onto its podium. Below, Hyrule Castle, directly in the Beast's sights. Its mechanical horns whirred as they charged, and a red laser burst forth, silent but accurate, aiming straight at the castle Antichamber. Ganon was really in for it now.

o0o

"Link, are you sure about this?"  
"Yes. Trust me."  
"I do. And Link?"  
"Mipha?"  
"I'm glad you're here again. I've missed you so much."  
"As have I, my darling princess."  
The Zora hesitated. "You did... get the heart container, right?"  
"The what now?"  
"The heart container. From Ganon."  
"N-noooo..."  
Mipha sighed, and Link stopped. "Can we go back?"  
"Nope, I've put Ruta on autopilot. It'll take ages to get back. You'll be fine, I'm sure. Just don't get hit by any bombs. Or Moblins. Or Hinox. Or stone talus'. Or-"  
"I get it." He pointed across the bridge. "Right, we're nearly here. You ready?"  
Mipha breathed slowly. "As I'll ever be."  
They stepped across, walking confidently. Ahead he could make out Rivan, one of the Zora guards, admiring his spear. Not paying any attention. That it, until-  
Something that sounded like a literal exclamation mark burst forth from Rivan's mouth. He called out to his daughter, the other guard, and they both rushed forward, grasping at 'Lady Mipha' and falling to their knees. Then they hurried her across the bridge, separating her from her loved one as the rest of the Zora descended in surprised chaos. Behind Link, the orchestra played a heartwarming concerto, and Link held his hand out to Mipha as the two locked eyes for one beautiful, lasting second... before Mipha was fully swallowed by the crowd, all chanting in surprised extasy.

"Well that was rather dramatic."  
Link whipped around, eyes lighting up at the sight of the horse. "Gladio!"  
"'Tis me." The horse nodded to the throng of Zoras. "So who was that then?"  
"Mipha. My, uh... fiancee, I suppose."  
"Oh? What happened to Zeld-"  
"We don't speak of her."  
"Shame, I quite liked her." The horse knelt down, and Link jumped up, taking one last look at the crowd. He managed to pick out Mipha, heading to the Throne room. She gave him a small wave, and even from here could see her mouth _thank you._ And then she disappeared inside, and Link reluctantly turned away.  
"Where to, my fellow?" Gladio asked, taking a few restless steps.  
"That bird in the sky..."  
"I probably ate it." The horse confessed, but Link shook his head and pointed to the enormous avian in the distance. "The one over there... that's a Divine Beast, isn't it?"  
"Oh, yeah. I don't think I'd be able to eat that one."  
"I think that's where we'll go now. I want to be a magnificent Hylian in a flying machine."  
Gladio giggled, and then reared up majestically. Link, who wasn't quite ready for this awesome maneuver, promptly tell off. Getting back up, Gladio asked if he wanted to try that again.  
"Please." And so Gladio reared up, a terrifying, glorious beast, and then galloped off through the field in the direction of Rito Village.

aAa

" _Shiba?"  
"Tan! You have returned!"  
"Where is Trir?"  
"Another Hylian raid. The killed nearly everyone!"  
_Tan gritted his teeth, throwing down his spear. Beside him, Sheba touched his arm. _"What news do you bring?"_ At this, the male bokoblin lightened a little. _"It is good. The elders approved of my venture, and I talked to Jerhn. The Moblins are with us, as are the Lizalfos. Yet there may be more."  
"Oh?"  
"I have heard of a group, gathering ina hideout far southeast of here. They have tracked down the killer of Heli and Baht, and countless others. They have monsters among their ranks..."  
"But..?"  
"There… are Hylians. And other races!"  
"Hylians!?"_Sheba hissed. _"I will not associate with them!"  
"But these ones are different! Will you not do it, for your husband, your family, your fellow kin?"  
_Sheba paused. _"I… I..." She trailed off.  
"Think about it. I will leave tomorrow at Midday. Many of the others will come. I… hope you will join me."_He went to say something else, but stopped. Then he turned and disappeared into the darkness surrounding the camp's fading fire. Sheba stared long after him, then looked down at the amulet in her hands. Baht's amulet.  
She would do it. For him.  
She would kill the Hero.

* * *

 **Edit: So, after a little discussion about Mipha's age (I just... can't even) I've gone and taken it out. I think I like what I've changed better, anyway. Also, one embarrasing little mistake has been fixed.**

Well, there you have it. One divine beast down.

 **  
There were some pretty weird moments in there. But weirdness is important. It keeps things interesting.**

 **What will happen to dear Zelda? We shall see, we shall see. So many ideas. I honestly can't wait.**

 **LAST OF ALL (READ. OR DON'T. I WON'T KNOW)**  
 **You know how I said there'll be something special for reaching 1000 reads? Well, here's my 'reward.'**  
 **(It's a bit sad, but it's what you're getting.)**  
 **This story is not a crossover. However, there's nothing to stop me referencing, or including little segments of, things from other games.**  
 **SO.**  
 **Your job is to pick a game (let's just stick to games now) and I'll have a little tribute to it. Who cares if I don't know it, I'll just try anyway.**  
 **Oh, and it doesn't have to be from LoZ. I'd almost rather it wasn't.**  
 **Cool? Not cool? Honestly, I don't really mind. Just something fun.**

 **Stay Ganonish, goodfellows!**


	12. Chapter 12: A Rito for the Ages

"It's getting rather chilly, Link. Oughtn't we shop for some warm, fuzzy clothes? I'm sure that'd solve frostbite, hypothermia and all those other boring afflictions!"

"We don't have time, Gladio. We need to get to that bird, but my slate won't help me 'till I activate this shrine."

"Couldn't we just look where the bird is and head in the general direction?"

"You think? And how did that work out last time?"

Gladio cast his mind back. "Well, we were wandering through the forest, at night, and then we came upon this huge pile of bones."

"Indeed. And then?"

"Well I said "Wow, imagine all the meat that would have been on those bones! I wish it would come back to life so I could chew it up!"

"And then?"

"Well… it did. But it was just some stupid skeleton so I'm still hungry-"

"A stupid skeleton that nearly _killed_ us."

"Yes yes, no need to be so grumpy. But I don't see what this has to do with maps."

"Gladio, we were running away and I said; 'We aren't heading to a cliff or anything are we?' And you said; 'Of course not!' And then-"

"Oh that's right, then we suddenly came to a cliff."

"And what?"

"And what what?"

"And what, dear Gladio, did you do when we got to the cliff?"

"Well I stopped, like any sensible horse would."

" _By bucking me off, Gladio. Right over the cliff."_

"Well I can't help my equine instincts. Anyway, I don't know what you're complaining about, you have that paraglider thingo."

"Which let me survive the fall, sure. But then I had to climb _all the way_ back up. Do you have any idea how long that took!?"

"Of course, I was waiting there. Eating grass for two days straight really upset my tummy. I miss flesh. You said we'de get to eat flesh on our journey!"

"Oh shut up." Grumped Link, dismounting his horse and trudging through the snow to the tower, periodically eating apples in order to regrow the parts he lost from frostbite. Gladio, meanwhile, kept trotting around the tower in order to keep warm. "Do hurry up, Linky-loo. I can see the bird from here, it can't be far now!"

After a nice little cinematic scene with the tower lighting up and the tower dripping its blue, slippery essence onto Link's pad, he glanced around. The view wasn't particularly impressive, filled with sleet and snow and mist and what-have-you. Up above he could just make out the moon, white as an angel, and when he squinted, he could see its beams reflecting off a little, seemingly circular lake. When a gust of wind pushed the veil of mist aside briefly, Link got his first proper glimpse of what he assumed was Rito Village. In the middle rose a rocky perch, and above flew the ominous stone bird, the next divine beast.

Link jumped down off the tower, paragliding down on top of Gladio, and pointed to the north-west. "It's over there!" He shouted against the wind that was beginning to pick up.

"I am completely aware!" Gladio answered back as he galloped down from the hill. "I literally just said that I could see it from here!"

Link, however, couldn't see anything through the biting, snowy wind, and so he was content just shielding his eyes, gobbling down some endura shrooms and letting Link lead the way.

o0o

"Ahh, that's much better." Sighed Link, stretching his arms up into the warmth of the sun. They had descended the slopes in good time, spurred on by the fact that Link had begun to run worryingly low on edible food items. It was beginning to approach evening, with a darker hue of blue creeping up from the horizon, so both Link and Gladio were glad when they found themselves at Rito Stable, lying to the south of the village and at its very foot. Link dismounted and led Gladio to the stables, checking him in as well as renting a bed for the evening, taking another look up at the impressive town. Small nest-like huts surrounded the main rock structure, spiralling up its side as well as the other, smaller rock pillars littered around the lake. Above flew the beast, glorious and terrible. And also a little bit odd, since it didn't flap its wings. Link spent few minutes trying to figure out how it flew, then decided to just find out in the morning and headed inside.

"This is your bed for tonight." Smiled Galli, the innkeeper. Link looked at the bed sceptically. It wasn't the covering, nor the bedside table that squatted beside it. What Link found offputting was the fact that, glancing left, there was another bed nearby. And to the right as well. He had expected his own, walled-off room, especially for the price. 40 Rupees, the same as a giant chunk of amber!

"Is something wrong?" Inquired Galli, and Link tilted his head.

"There… isn't really much privacy..."

"Ah, well, if you're wanting your own room then you'll need to upgrade to a soft bed."

"A soft bed? What's that?"

"It's a bed that is soft. The one your sleeping on has had the stuffing taken out, rendering it a 'normal bed.'"

Link blinked. "But wouldn't that render it a bed that has a defect, since most beds are bought _with_ stuffing?"

"Call it what you will."

"Ugh." Link rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll take the soft bed. How much more?"

"20 rupees."

Link reluctantly handed over the money, and Galli grabbed a handful of mattress stuffing and threw it on top of the bed. "There. Have a nice sleep."

"Hold on, what about the room?"

"Oh, you'll need to be part of our member's club."

"I… what?"

"Members club. You receive lots of benefits, such as this loyalty card." Galli whipped out a small, rectangular bit of wood. It had "T&I Benefit Reward Scheme" inscribed on it. Then he slid it back into his wallet. "I can join you up now if you want."

"You can? Well I… I suppose."

"So it'll be a 99 rupee first-time transaction fee, and then a monthly payment of 20 rupees."

"Um..." Link looked in his own wallet. Thanks to his various misadventures he still had a fair amount of cash left. He handed the amount over."

"Brilliant. Welcome to the club." Galli handed Link the wooden card. "Is there anything else?"

Link blinked. "The… well, the private room..."

"Of course! Yes, let me just sign you up to our platinum scheme."

"What?"

"Platinum. It allows for the transferral of niche targets to a non-specific sector, essentially meaning you'll be able to purchase non-refundable refundables without having to worry about-"

Link stopped him, a blank look on his face. "Look, just take my money. How much?"

"Five hundred rupees."

"Five- _hundred?_ Ugh, look, fine, here." He handed it over, along with his card. Galli got out a small knife and carved the letter 'P' into the corner. Then he looked up, an eyebrow raised. "Would you like insurance?"

"Insurance?"

"Yeah, in case you lose your card. You'll just need to return here and get a new one more a small fee."

"I suppose."

"Great. Now I can give you insurance protection if you-"

Link sighed and took out his wallet, emptying out everything onto the table. "Look, how much do you need? I'll just take everything."

Galli scooped the entire lot into a bag, then cocked his head. Then he nodded and withdrew a single blue rupee. "Your change, sir."

"Wow… thanks..."

"When would you like to be awoken?"

Link crossed his arms. "Is there a fee for it?"

"What? Of course not!" Galli mocked a faint. "Charge for an alarm! Why, we would never!"

"Right, well, morning then I suppose."

"I'll see you then, sir. Do enjoy your stay."

He showed Link to a door that opened to a lavish hallway. The boy wasn't exactly sure how it all fit into the seemingly small stable/inn, but the room he ended up in was actually pretty nice. After a nice long bath and relaxing massage by one of the on-site butlers, Link hopped into bed, closed his eyes, and drifted off.

o0o

"Morning sir! Morning sir! Morning sir! Morning si-"

Link hit Galli on the head, and the keeper stepped back. "Sleep well, sir?"

"Ugh, I don't… what's the time? I'm so tired..."

"It's five, sir."

"Five!? Why would you wake me up so early?"

"Well you opted for the 'adventurer alarm.' All good adventures begin at five."

"I didn't say… jeez, can you wake me up later?"

"What time sir?"

"A reasonable time. Seven, I suppose."

"Ah, now that'll incur a small fee I'm afraid, see there's a new transactory-"

Link groaned and got up, pushing the annoying man out the way.

"Hi Gladio."

"Salutations, dear Linky. Why are you up so early?"

"Don't ask." Link blinked at the steed. "Is that… a towel?"

"Oh yes, the facilities are marvellous. Thanks for upgrading me, I had a wonderful stay. I feel so energised!"

"Oh, uh… you're welcome, I suppose." Link sighed, wondering how much _that_ had cost him. Well, at least _someone_ was well rested.

"Link, hear that? It's wonderful, isn't it? I do love the accordion."

Link cocked his head, listening. Yes, over the top of the mobile orchestra's stable tunes, another melody that sounded awfully… familiar… was playing. Turning, he followed the curve of the stable to come face to face with a Rito. His very first encounter.

The bird stood upright and tall, dressed in white cloth similar to that of a toga. A few bright red feathers were stuck in its hair, and its blue plumage showed through in a rather pleasant manner. Its wings were a little odd in that they ended in large hand-like digits, with which it manipulated the accordion expertly.

The bird stopped playing briefly, glancing down. "Greeting, traveller. How about a song?"

"A… what?" Link blinked. This bird was certainly forward.

Suddenly, the bird started. "Th-that there… on your hip! ...No, I'm sorry – it's nothing. I didn't mean to pry."

Link, ever the conversationalist, said "Are you a… bird?"

The 'bird' in question looked a little startled. "Have you… never met a Rito before? Odd. My name is Kass. And I'm a bard, not a bird. I spend my days travelling this land in search of ancient songs. And to help random people uncover ancient shrines that nobody knew about until now, because you know… reasons"

"Ancient songs?" Link asked, and Kass grinned.

"Ancient songs – songs that sing the praises of yo- sorry, of a hero who beat the Calamity in an age past. One of the more famous among them recounts the events of 10 000 years ago. Want to hear it?"

"Um… I'm not sure if I have time to-"

"Wonderful, here it is!"

And Kass the bird bard started playing.

 _The land in which we live, is super duper big,  
_ _It's got a giant volcano, that moves to its own jig,  
_ _But also there's this thing called Ganon,  
_ _Who's more powerful than a 10-shot canon._

Link blinked as the bird kept singing, other Rito now flying down and forming a line. The orchestra joined in, proving a jolly accompaniment.

 _And once every convenient time-frame,  
_ _There's a fight that ends much the same,  
_ _With a green knight dude and a princess,  
_ _Except then suddenly there was a great mess,  
_ _Because this time, only 100 years ago,  
_ _The hero failed to show,  
_ _Becuase he was shot by guardians in the shirt,  
_ _Oh yeah sorry, spoiler alert._

Link hung his head. This was possibly the worst 'song' he had ever heard. He tried moving, but found himself stuck in place. He tried mashing his shirt buttons, but still nothing would happen.

 _So then the princess rode to the castle,  
_ _And delivered an entire parcel-  
_ _OF PAIN. OUCH BANG SMASH.  
_ _Wishy… smashy, uh, mash._

Kass tried thinking of some more lyrics, so another, smaller bird jumped in with a rap. A few other Rito contributed some beat-boxing, which consisted primarily of squawking sounds interjected with some coughing up of worms.

 _Yeah, here he is, DJ Birdy,  
_ _Here to tell you the story, it's wordy,  
_ _About the girl with the golden hair,  
_ _But also the boy with the golden hair,  
_ _Except it isn't really golden it's blond,  
_ _And they probs have blue eyes because that's the identified convention of how an attractive person looks though it is rather odd having the male portrayed in such a way because stratified cliches tend only to circumnavigate appreciated-_

The Rito passed out from lack of air, and everyone cheered. Link, now able to move, turned back to Kass. Despite the low quality of the song, he still found Kass to be quite agreeable. As long as he wouldn't have to see him too much, like if he just randomly appeared everywhere for no reason and also had magical teleportation powers. Because that would just be ridiculous.

"Thanks for listening, dear traveller!" Kass grinned. "Please come back and hear it again some time."

"Oh, uh… yeah, sure, totally..."

Link sidled off, back to Gladio.

"What was that about?" The horse questioned, but Link just shrugged.

"Look, Gladio, I'm off to the village. I'd invite you to come with me, but I'm not sure how well you'll cope with… well..."

"What? What Link?"

"With… birds."

Gladio frowned. "And what do you have against me interacting with birds?"

"Well before… you literally said you liked eating birds."

"Hey, I have standards!" Gladio burst out. "I only eat things that don't talk! Or only talk a little bit."

"You ate two children."

"They were already dead!"

"They were?"

"Well, they died due to an unfortunate accident. That I happened to be… involved in a little bit. With my hidden blades."

"Your what?"

"Those blades on my hooves that I showed you when we first met."

"Oh wow, I'd completely forgotten about those."

"Yeah, hadn't we all!"

They all laughed for a while. Haha. Hidden blades…

"But fine, I get your point. I don't want to go to the village anyone, I heard there's a bokoblin encampment up by the river. I might check it out."

"By which you mean..?"

"I might eat them all."

"Good horsey. Well, cool, I'm off then. Don't get killed."

"I'll try my best. Seeya Linky!"

And off he trot. Link watched him go, then turned back to the village. Ahead lay a long wooden bridge, and from what he could see there were a few more bridges to cross before he came to the base of Rito Village itself. He had a feeling crossing those lots of times would be rather annoying.

But without further ado, off he jogged. It was time to kick some stone birdy butt.

aAa

 _Shiba crouched low in the grass. She had been watching him for a while now, waiting for him to separate from the group, but he had headed off to the village. She wouldn't be able to get to him there._

 _But she had managed to get close enough to hear them. Hear them plot, hear them spit their foul self-obsessed tongue over the plains. The horse planned to attack Jiro and his clan down by the river, did he? She? Whatever it was?_

 _Well, that would be interesting. What if someone… was to tell them?_

 _Yes, that would stir things up._

 _Shiba grinned as she backed away from the tavern and turned towards the river._

* * *

 **No, your eyes do not deceive you! This is indeed another chapter! Wow!**  
 ***Accepts applause***  
 **Thankyou, thankyou.**

 **Now, apologies for my absence blah blah, I've had an interesting few months writing for competitions, organising and participating in state debates, getting hit by cars, attending a ball, all that sorta thing.  
**  
 **...Moving on. Still gonna be a bit slow though ladies and gentlemen, but this isn't over! It'll keep dragging on!**

 **Also, I've tried a new format style. Letting the words breathe. Hope it's okay, not sure which one I like better, this or the previous form. It this is the way to go, I'll probably go back and change things. Probably.  
**  
 **Oh, and I've decided (from now on, because I'm lazy) that'll I'll start replying to every comment. Becuase I want to pretend I'm a good person. So hit me up/down/all around people. "Flames" are FULLY accepted. Tear me to shreds!**

 **Stay flappy, folks.**


	13. Chapter 13: Birds n' Bombs

"Well hello there. Do you need something?"

Link glanced to the left to see a tall, purple Rita looking at him. In its wing/hand, a sharp looking spear pointed up towards the sky, and it wore garb different to what Kass had been wearing; simple linen clothed its torso and talons. Link shuffled. "I… who are you?"

"I am Gesane of the Rito." The bird regally said. Link wasn't sure if he was particularly significant to this whole adventure, so he just nodded politely.

"The Rito of Lake Totori, that is. Where the men are fine archers and the women better singers."

"I… what?"

"I mean could you imagine a woman being an archer?" The Rito laughed. "That would be ridiculous. Women can't do things. Anyway, go visit the village or whatever."

"Right..." Link gave the Rito a frown and continued up the bridge. Were all the Rito going to be like thi-

"Hello!"

Link looked up to see a light red Rito, dressed as the other one, alight down from the sky. "I am Grena of the Rito."

"Okay. Nice to… meet you?"

"As you. Welcome to Lake Totori, where the women are fine archers and the men better singers."

Link hesitated. "Umm..."

"I mean, can you imagine a man being an archer?" She laughed. "That would be ridiculous. Men can't do things. Anyway, you should go see the village."

Link nodded, deciding compliance would be the best way to end this conversation.

Continuing along the path, he had almost reached the gate when a loud screech sounded above him. The orchestra dispersed, revealing a solo pianist who played dramatic, neo-classical chords. Link watched as the avian beast turned, coming to a close circle of the village. It flew up high then dived, lasers shooting out past Link to hit the area just behind him. Grena and Gesane yelled as the went up in flames, diving into the water. Well, that got rid of them. Maybe this divine beast wasn't so bad after all.

The beast banked left before ascending again, circling the village. Link headed into the cover of the stone structure before it could accidentally hit him.

Rito Village was rather relaxing, once one forgot about the whole evil bird thing, anyway. The structures were simple but sturdy, and nature grew side-by-side with the natural-themed wooden nests and houses. Link caught sight of a confident-looking Rito guard and headed over.

"Hello there." He said. "I am Mazli of the Rito."

Link sighed. "Let me guess, where someone's good at archery and someone else is good at singing."

The Rito blinked. "What? Oh no, did Grena get to you back on the bridge?"

"And Gesane."

"Bother. I told those two to shut up. Sorry about that. Well anyway, I'm glad you got here. I thought the beast had shot at you with lasers or something."

"Well… anyway." Link hastily continued. "What exactly is going on?"

Mazli pointed to the sky. "See that up there? That's Divine Beast Vah Medoh."

"Oh, so it has a name."

"Of course. It showed up a while back. The warriors who flew up to check it out… well, they didn't get on too well with it. They say it used to be a divine being that protected the village, but it doesn't seem very divine to me."

"Right. Well, I suppose I'll go kill it then."

The Rito laughed. "Very good, very good. Have fun with that then, I suppose."

Link nodded and headed through the archway. After climbing a few more sets of stairs he came to a Rito sitting on a wooden platform, looking up at the sky. Link nodded to him.

"Hi. I'm Fyson."  
"Link."

The Rito sighed. "I suppose you know all about the beast?"

"Yup."

"I don't know who I'm more sick of… Divine Beast Vah Medoh or my mum."

Link blinked. "You're… mother?"

"I don't want to just… 'help.' I want to open my OWN store and sell whatever I want! I wish someone would just come by and employ me."

"Right."

"Like, some guy, probably Hylian, and I'd help build a town or something."

"Sounds nice."

"Yeah. And it'd be on a weird island somewhere, and there'd be a bunch of other shops too."

"Uh huh."

"And everybody would be named something-son. Just 'caused."

"Right..."

"And it'd be called Parry town or something. I don't know."

"I see..."

"Yeah, so if that happened it'd be nice." The Rito looked at Link until the Hylian shifted uncomfortably. "Okay, well, I'll leave you here then. Hope everything works out."

The Rito sighed again. "Me too."

Link took the opportunity to check out "Swallow's Roost," the town's inn. The innkeeper smiled at him. "Hi there! Welcome! Are you wanting a bed?"

"I mean… it's still daytime, but maybe later."

"Well whenever you want to fly by, feel free! We have two kinds of beds for you to try!"

"Two?"

"Yup. A normal bed or a Rito-down bed."

"A… Rito what?"

"Rito-down bed. Made with only genuine Rito feathers."

Link took a breath. "So… you're basically sleeping in yourself?"

The keeper, Cecili written on her little wooden name badge, hung her head. "It's pretty weird right? I mean, you don't get Zora-skin beds. But I'm just doing whatever Nekk tells me to."

"Oh. That… okay."

"Go say hi to him. He owns the clothing store."

"There's a clothing store? Gosh, that's nice. Rito-themed wear right here in the village. You know, I wanted a Zora set, but apparently, the head is hidden in some lake and who even knows about the pants."

"What about the chest?"  
"Oh, you know, it has to be knitted by a princess."

"Right. Well not here! Just… well, if you thought the bed was weird… wait till you meet Nekk."

By this point Link was rather curious, so he headed over to the Brazen Beak. Upon entering, he came upon a scrawny, lanky Rito lying on the floor, feathers flying everywhere.

"Feathers! FEATHERS! Weee!"

Indeed, using its long, wingy fingers the Rito was tearing out large chunks of feathers from its own body. Then it grabbed a piece of cloth and cut a hole in the side, stuffing in the off-cuts. Or tears. Off-tears.  
Grabbing some beads and winding it on thin pieces of string, the Rito finished up with what actually looked like rather nice pants. Then the Rito paused, staring at the ground. A second later the beak snapped up, and wide, reddened eyes stared up at Link. The bird slowly smiled. "Well h-hello there! I-I-I'm Nek-k. Welcome! We a-are open 24 h-hour-hours a day! Want s-some… clothes? They're ma-made with fe-feathers! M-my feathers! The-they're BEAUTIFUL!" He jumped up and grabbed Links shoulders, pulling him around and shoving his face into the pants. "F-feel the f-f-f-feathers! The FEATHERS! Buy them! By it t-to wear on your s-skin! Feathers!"

Link screamed and struggled out of the Rito's surprisingly tight grip. He back away, the entrance to far the run. The insane bird giggled. "Nice m-moves! Th-they'd be b-b-better with ffff...ff….feathers though!"

"Fine! I'll buy them!"

"It'll b-be quite some rrr-rupees though!"

"It's fine, I have… I..." Link looked through his wallet. It was empty. Of course, the stupid innkeeper from the stable had taken it all. "I… c-can't..."

"You c-cannot buy!?" The Rito screeched. "But yo-you felt my fffffffeathers! My FEATHERS! On your FACE!"

Link began to cry, and the Rito shut up, kneeling beside him. "It is alright, dearest. It is alright. Shhh. Here, I will do you a f-favour."

Link cowered away a little as the Rito continued.

"I will give you my fff-feathers now, and you will repay me by-by… fetching me some skin. I n-need it for my- my project! It is m-magnificent!"

Gosh, this had taken rather a dark turn. Link, however, just nodded as the Rito picked up some feathered Rito pants and shirt. "I'll do anything!"

"G-good. Yes, you may wear my f-feathers! And you can have the he-headpiece later. It is the c-c-crowning g-glory!" The Rito tore off Link's clothes, then pulled on the outfit. "Yes, v-very nice! Very nice!"

Link wiped his eyes. "C-can I go now?"

"Yes, of course! But..." The Rito took a step closer. "Do not forget our… _agreement._ "

Link gave a terrified nod and high-tailed it out of there.

After mentally bleaching his brain – and making a mental note to get some skin from Gladio's next meal – Link headed over to the enarby shrine and smashed through it. Afterwards, he remembered that he was actually here on a quest and continued up to the top of the village, whereupon he came to an ornately decorated nest with an… owl...?- In it?  
"Ah, a visitor. Welcome to… oh? OH! That object on your hip… could it be?"

Link sighed. He wished people would stop looking at his hip.

"Forgive me. Where are my manners? I am Kaneli, elder of Rito Village."

"Hi. I'm-"

"Now back to business. You have Sheikah slate, yes?"  
"Great. So you're a champion?"

"I… don't really know about-"

"Or a champion's descendant or whatever. Anyway, go deal with Vah Medoh."

"Er, what?"

"Kill it or board it and make friends or something. I don't really care."

"I… alright. Cool, I'll do it. I was going to anyway."

"Wonderful. Off you fly then."

Link milled around for a little. "Now?"

"Yes now. Oh, but go find Teba first."

"Do I have to? I prefer working alone."

"And how do you plan to get to the Divine Beast?"

"By… flying to… like..."

"Uh huh. Go find him."

"Fine."

Link went off to find him.

"That's the wrong direction."

Link went in the right direction.

"No, not to the right. The flight range."

"Ugh." Link went to the flight range.

o0o

It was cold up at the flight range, but thanks to Link's super cozy feathery frock, frostbite was a thing of the past. After dealing with some annoying mounted bokoblins and another shrine, Link headed up to check it out.

The range was made up of a large circular hole, from which great gusts of wind blew into the air. Targets were attached here and there, and a small hut sat to the side with a little take-off pad. A couple of braziers blazed a small, warming fire, and a stove sat cooking a nice little stew. It was all very cutesy.

When he climbed the ladder and actually entered the hut, however, things got a little less cute and a lot more… rugged. A pure white Rito with rough, strong plummage sat working a bow, facing out to the range. His beak was huge, tipped with a jagged edge like it had once been broken. When Link took a step forward, the Rito looked slowly up, still facing the targets.

"Yeah?"

Link said nothing, and the Rito tested the bow as he continued.

"I'm actually pretty busy here. You should go."

Well, nice first introductions, then. Link cocked his head. "Pretty busy?"

"Look, do you need something? I'm sure one of the other Rito can hel-"

"I can help you."

The Rito paused. "Eh? I- help me? With what exactly?"

Link rested his weight on a hip. "Vah Medoh."

Teba stood up. "Let me get this straight… Some random Hylian wants to help _me_ bring down _Divine Beast Vah Medoh?_ "

Link nodded. "Yup." Teba shook his head, peering down at the smaller adventurer. "I'm not buying it. What's your name, stranger?"

"Link."

"Well, _Link_ – odd name – I'm Teba. But you already knew that. Now," He began pacing up and down the dock. "I'm guessing our old elder asked you to come here and talk some sense into me. Am I right?"

"Right."  
"Huh. Look-" The Rito went to pat Link's head, but the boy dodged deftly out of the way. Teba turned it into a kind of half-draw of his bow, but the maneuver wasn't exactly smooth. "Link, you seem like an all-right guy. But let's make this clear: I'm not going anywhere except up." He angled his beak towards the Divine beast, gliding happily around as if it were looking for something. "As a Rito warrior, I can't rest until my people are safe. There's only one way I'm going back..."

Link waited. Teba said nothing. They both looked at each other for a while, before Link rolled his eyes. "And that is?"

"Once Divine Beast Vah Medoh falls from the sky. But, like, into a lake or something. Not into the village. That would be bad. So yeah."

"Well let's get started then."

"Are you- are you serious? Ugh." The Rito rested his cheek in his wings and let out a long sigh. Then his shoulders sagged. "Fine. Far be it from me to talk you off the ledge. But as the Elder probably said in an unskippable bit of dialogue, the only way to take it down is to get inside it. But there's no way we can set foot inside."

"Well… I mean I could."

Teba shook his head. "Right, not only are you wingless, you're brainless too. A complete Zorabrain."

"I think the term's birdbra-"

"I don't care. Short of the long of the short of it is, only champions can enter."

Link frowned. "Yeah, I've always wondered about that. I mean, how does that actually work? Is there some weird scanner or magic portal or something?"

"I..." Teba thought for a moment. "I don't really know… it's just what people say."

"But, like, they were excavated right? So inevitably, at some point, a digger would have gone inside to clear away all the dirt and stuff."

"I… you're right..."

"Mrm..."

They were both quiet, until Teba shrugged. "Well anyway, I'm going to conveniently forget about the whole champions-only inside thing anyway, so let's just look at bringing it down. With gratuitous violence. So let's get going."

Link held up a hand. "Hold on, aren't you going to test me first?"

"I- what?"

"Test me. I mean you don't think I can fly, right?"

"Well I suppose… but I mean cannon fodder doesn't really need to be able to fly so-"

"Can't you just give me a test?"

"Well I… I don't know, there isn't really anything to test you with."

"Are you kidding me?" Link motioned to the targets and Teba nodded slowly.

"I see what you mean, Link. Yes. If you can paint yourself to look like a target in thirty seconds-"

"Oh for goodness sake. Look, I'll go shoot five of the targets in less than ten seconds."

Teba laughed. "Yeah, sure, you couldn't even do it in three minutes."

Link smiled, waltzed over to the hole, then jumped down. A second later he flew back up, paraglider held ready. Once he was high enough, he let go and aimed. Time seemed to slow down as he shot an arrow and it headed straight for the target…

And went completely off course. Right, yeah, the massive draft that could literally lift a person up. Obviously it would move the arrows. He just didn't think that mechanic would exist. He was fairly sure it shouldn't have.

Link surreptitiously withdrew a bomb and threw it hard downwards. When it flew back up he detonated it, destroying five targets. Teba, who had been two busy licking his bow, looked up in surprise. "Did you just-?"

"I did."

"Wow. That's… alright, fine, you've earned some respect. Can we go now?"

"Let's."

Teba bent down and Link hopped on his back.

"Uh… what are you doing?"

"Wh-what are you doing?"

"Trying me talon bindings."

"I… thought I could catch a ride."

Teba sighed. "Fine, whatever."

Teba flexed his muscles, then sprang into the range, using the updraft to soar into he sky, flapping with great strength as Link hang on like a boy on a flying colossus.

o0o

"Alright, it's showtime!" Teba shouted over the wind. It was quiet up here, especially since the orchestra was stuck down below on the ground. It was cold, too, though Link was warm in his feather suit. They both looked down as Link pad began rumbling. Yes, the rumble feature that had somehow found its way onto the device. Vah Medoh's side opened and four little drones flew out, and between them electricity crackled as a great big shield sprang up. It was all very techno and cool.

"That's the barrier!" Called Teba. "Now there's a bunch of cannons. You shoot them, and I'll fly around and pick you up, staying safely out of the way. Sound good?"

Link sighed but shrugged. Shaking his shoulders a few times, he jumped up and away from Teba, diving down to the giant red pillow of a shield below. Immediately the cannons began aiming, but at this speed, the blue lasers could only whip by as Link cut through the air. Just before he passed the northernmost cannon, he whipped out his paragliders, floating up and bringing his speed to a halt. The cannon turned, aiming, and at this proximity it wouldn't miss. Working quickly, Link shoved his paraglider under his arm as he drew his bow, aiming. Of course, these arrows were special, a bunch that Teba had given him just before they had left. Bomb arrows.

The moment it touched the cannon it erupted, chunks of weak stone flying everywhere, one cutting Link's cheek. He slung his bow over his shoulder and whipped out the paragliders again, floating upwards on the drafts Vah Medoh's motors – so _that's_ how it flew… what a cop out – until the Rito flew by, grabbing onto his shirt with his talons. Together they dived towards the next cannon, and this time a laser came close. Link tapped on Teba's talon, who quickly let him go, flying up and drawing away the fire. As Link descended he knocked another arrow, aiming a meter or so above the cannon. Letting it loose, he sailed back up as the arrow fell, hitting the cannon directly.

Suddenly a laser flew by just under him and he turned to see the eastern cannon aiming again. He tried moving to the side but he was too slow, the laser slicing through his side and opening up his one of his kidneys.

"Link? Are you… uh..?" Teba flew close, wondering why Link was gobbling down an omelette while his side bled… while his… blood? It had disappeared. No, he must have been seeing things. Grabbing Link's arm, he carried him over to the southern cannon, and Link dropped down, destroying it easily. However, as he came up he cursed, another laser flying by so close that he involuntarily let go of the glider. It sort of just hung there as Link plummeted, Teba turning to see the boy falling. He dived down, catching him just before he touched the electric shield, and carried him toward the next cannon.

"No, wait, the glider!" Link pointed to the paraglider as it fell toward the shield.

Teba couldn't reply, dodging to the side as another laser flew by. Looking between the two, he grimaced and aimed, throwing Link toward the cannon. Then he spun around, diving toward the glider. Link glanced back at them before knocking another arrow, but as he shot a laser sliced through it and it exploded mid-air, narrowly missing Link himself. The boy cursed and straightened, diving down to avoid another laser. He was helpless in the air, especially without his glider. As he plummeted toward the cannon, he saw it aiming and couldn't turn, not without-

He grabbed out a Korok leaf, swinging it around wildly, and managed to move himself aside in barely enough time, the laser smashing through the leaf and rendering it beyond useless. Link cursed. He was falling much to fast to shoot an arrow. Grimacing, he continued his dive until he began to pass the cannon, then reached out and grabbed hold. He felt his shoulders pop, dislocate, his left arm begin to tear but he held on. He was staring down the cannon as it charged, and he could see the red aiming laser begin to turn blue. Pushing up, he grabbed out a bomb and shoved it down the cannon, kicking out with his legs and he dived backwards, his left arm dangling behind him. As he fell the cannon exploded, stone razors coming toward him full speed, and he grabbed his left arm with his right and held it out, the daggers cutting into it without a hint of pain. Still falling, he watched as the shield flickered and winked out, and Teba diving toward him. Eating his last bit of food – a rather tasty pie – as well as some shoddy, rock-hard dish that he'd accidentally created when trying out different recipes. It didn't taste nice, but was enough to heal him.

"Link! That was amazing! I don't even know how- well anyway, no time to waste, let's go!"

Teba grabbed onto him, still diving down but bringing himself and Link upwards in a slow curve, flying back towards the beast. He passed Link the paraglider, who hugged it gratefully.

Zipping by a large platform, Teba dropped Link down, still flying.

"Are you coming then?"

"What?"

"Help me defeat the beast and everything."

"Oh, uh..." Teba paled a little. "Well I… um… I hurt my wing! I got shot!"

"Really? Gosh, where were you hit?"

"Oh, I-" Teba covered his wing. "You know, just… the feathery bit."

"The… feathery bit?"

"Anyway, gotta fly down! Good luck!"

And off he flew, leaving Link to turn and head into Divine Beast Vah Medoh.

Like the others, the beast was lavishly decorated with nothing. Except stone swirls and stuff. Activating the pedestal, Link stepped back. Yes, this shouldn't be too har-

Something flew past Link's shoulder. He turned, seeing only the empty sky, but when he looked back to the beast something struck his side. It hurt. A lot.

"Oh, sorry! That… did that hit you?"

Link gasped, holding onto the arrow. Something was moving, coming closer. There was something about that voice. The smary, cocky, arse-holey voice.

"Link?" Champion Revalli stepped into the dying light. Except he wasn't a zombie or anything. No, the proud, groomed feathers were much to bright.

"Nice outfit. Trying to be part of the… greatest species, correct?" Revalli was holding a bow, though he quickly strung it over his shoulder. "You know, I just woke up. I think some idiot bombed my beast. You didn't see who it was, did you?"

"Revalli?"

"Yes?" The avian raised an eyebrow, then looked down at the arrow sticking out of Link's side. "Ooh, right, let me get that." He yanked it out and Link yelled. Reaching into a pouch, Revalli brought out a bandage and a small bottle of liquid. "Right, this might hurt." Pouring some onto the bandage, Revalli cocked his head, then poured a little more. When he touched Link's side with it, the boy screamed. Revalli nodded sadly. "Well, I did warn you." He rubbed it about a bit, then uncorked the bottle again and poured some directly onto the wound. "Yes, that should do it. But hey, a bit more, just to make sure, yeah?" He tipped the rest of the bottle as Link writhed. Then he stood back. "There, all better. All better?"

Link wiped his eyes and stumbled to his feet and away from Revalli.

"Hey now, don't be like that Link. I just saved you."

"You just… you just _shot_ me."

"Accidents happen." Revalli murmured. "Now, we have a divine beast to regain control of. I suppose I'll let you tag along. You might… well, I say you might 'help' but just… try not to get in the way.

And he strutted off, leaving Link to stare after him in a mix of… well, every emotion except an endearing one, really.

* * *

 **Well, there you have it. Everyone's favourite son-of-a-bitch. Do excuse the language.  
** **Now, only one thing (one thing!?); I said I'd reply to every review. Or every person at least. Now, if you're a guest, I can't do that! Please, get an account so I can shower you with affection!  
** **But to whoever said: "I love you, that is my review." I say; Darling! What a pleasure to hear! Why I'm sure we all love you too!**

 **Sorry, got a bit excited there.  
** **Anyway, there you have it.**

 **Stay Cocky, kids!**


	14. Chapter 14: Too Bloody High

Link and his avian companion emerged into the large core of Vah Medoh, Revali walking with a swagger while Link still held his side. Fair enough really, what with being impaled by an arrow and everything.

"Okay Link, if you're wanting to control the beast you'll need to grab the map and put it on your slate."

"Why didn't you just put it on yours?"

"Where would be the fun in that? Plus-" Revali turned back to him, a wing on his hip. "I left mine at home. Didn't want to be distracting by your texting with Mipha."

"I… what?"

Revali grinned and turned back to the chamber. "So, see those blocks? They'll move when you tilt the bird. Don't ask me why. But they're magnetic as well so you should probably be able to move them." Revali frowned. "I still don't understand why you were allowed the upgrades, bombs and magnesis and whatever, and all I got was a lousy camera. It's really not fair."

Link wasn't really listening, instead focusing on moving the platforms to create a bridge across the open centre. Once done he jogged across, Revali swaggering after him, staying behind. Link was about to tell him to hurry up when he heard the sound of something metal grating up ahead. Instinctively he moved to the side, just in time to see a guardian scout pounce, narrowly missing him with its energy spear. Link grabbed out a Moblin club and smacked the thing until all that was left was a mess of cogs and gears. When he was done, Revali clapped. "Good job. Of course I would have done much better myself but for a Hylian… you're really bordering on adequate." He moved on as Link stared after him. "Well, maybe next time you can kill one."

"With pleasure." Revali grinned as he casually withdrew his bow, aiming to the side. There was nothing there. Link was about to question him when the bid let an arrow loose and it flew, smacking another scout just as it emerged from a small doorway. As much as Link hated him, the adventurer had to admit that Revali was good with a bow. Though… how did he know the machine was there? Intuition? No, that couldn't be it, Revali's ego was much too big.

"Now Link, don't lag behind."

The boy growled as he jogged forward, grabbing out his slate and connecting it to the pedestal. A few seconds later he had a map.

"Yes, fine work. We… got there eventually. Now there are these things called terminals. Basically, we have to activate them and-"

"I know how they work, Revali."

"I'm sure you do. But you're bound to get it wrong at some point so-"

Link snarled at him. "Yeah? Right, you stay here, sit around like you normally do, and-"

"Wow, I'm so offended." Revali drawled. Link just threw up his arms and stormed off. Did he really want to activate the beast? He could just leave…

No. Mipha trusted him to do this. He wouldn't fail her.

Oh, and Hyrule needed saving and whatever.

Heading right, he tilted the bird's wings to one side, hopping onto a platform. As it began to slide he jumped, grabbing a ladder, and climbed up onto a ledge. After retrieving an ancient core from a chest, and wondering why on earth the chest was there in the first place, he hopped through a hole and shot one of the goopy eye things. Tilting the bird's wings the _other_ way, he climbed up a small platform and jumped, paragliding across the room and onto another platform, upon which sat a terminal…

And Revali.

"Hello, Link. I see you made it here… oh, let's see… four minutes after me. That's alright, I suppose."

Link shoved the smirking bird aside and activated the terminal.

"Need help with the next one?" The bird called out as he jumped back down to the main floor.

"Shut up Revali."

"No need to be rude! Look, I'll just give you a hint. You'll need to put a bomb in that little chamber and blow up the-"

"I said shut it!"

Revali raised his wings. "Alright, alright. But if it all goes wrong, don't say I didn't warn you."

Link clenched his fists and took in a few deep breaths. "Right Link. Don't listen to that idiot."

"I can hear-"

Link ignored him, heading over to the small pipe that connected this room to the next. Looking through the window, he could see a small little set of rocks. Blowing it up would let him release that ball, which he presumed was meant to hit that button. Why an earth this contraption existed, Link had no idea, but he wasn't about to question it. Getting out a bomb, he placed it into the tube and watched it begin to roll-

And then something clicked. Or more, _glinted._

Why was something glinting in the pipe?

Moving quickly, Link activated magnesis. Sure enough, something metal was in there, something long and sharp and-

With a bomb milliseconds away from hitting it.

Link let out a yell and dived backwards as the bomb hit it, the spike puncturing the electric skin and detonating the bomb. The blast waved over him, slightly scorching some of the feathers of his outfit, and Link slammed into the stone floor, panting.

"Link? Link, I heard a blast, is everything- oh." Revali stopped, looking down at the boy. His cocky grin returned. "Oh good, you're okay. I can't _imagine_ what would have happened had you died. I suppose I would have just had to… well, take over. So really, the kingdom would have been saved and Mipha would have a _real_ husb-" The bird stopped as Link stumbled up.

"Careful there Link. Nearly killing yourself in a stupid act of attempted independence would make anyone-"

Link went to slug him but Revali moved deftly out of the way. The boy closed his eyes, breathed deeply, then headed over to the chamber again. Moving the arrow-head-shaped spike out of the way, he tried again, this time succeeding in rolling the bomb down the hall and blowing up the rocks. Using the tilt action of the bird to roll the metal ball toward himself, Link turned it and flung the ball toward the button, hitting it dead on. As expected, this released the door, and Link walked through and activated the next terminal.

"Good job. You're still alive, too, so I suppose you're doing better than I thought you would. Though I suppose I should apologise. I think that was partly my fault."

"What?"

"The arrowhead. It must have been left over from my diligent fight with Ganon. You know, wouldn't that be hilarious? Link, slain by Revali! Hah!" The bird guffawed as Link gritted his teeth. He had nothing against killing his friends, but he needed Revali to control the beast.

There was nothing wrong with critically injuring him though, right?

Yes. Maybe later.

Link grinned.

The third terminal was a simple task of making a hammer slide across a wing and hit another button. All he had to do was hold a turbine in place and move another. A switch to the side would open a window and make wind blast in, activating the turbines.

As Link stood by the button, getting out his magnesis rune, he saw Revali hanging out in the main room. At least he'd be out of the way.

Focusing on the first turbine, he moved it upwards and then to the left, setting it in place. Then he activated the other, moving it upwards. Now all he had to do was hit the switch and-

A grating sound rang out and Link looked up to see the hammer thundering towards him.

"Link, look out!"

Of course Revali's warning was too late, and it was only Link's quick thinking that saved him. Changing deftly to stasis, he froze the gate just before the wind caused it to open, jumping to the side. The hammer was moving too fast to freeze, but when it hit the gate the tremendous force caused the gate to, seconds later, spilt apart and smash into the button. The door opened as the hammer slid slowly back into place, and Link leant against a wall, breathing hard. What an earth had just happened?

He heard the sound of talons tapping the ground. The Rito version of an applause. He frowned and looked up at the bird.

"Well, that was close. Did you seriously let one of your arrows fall out of your quiver and hit the button?"

"What?"

"Look." Revali pointed to the switch. Beside it lay one of Link's arrows.

"When you tilted the wings a few fell out. Most went out the window but that one hit the switch dead on. My word, you _are_ clumsy."

Link's face flushed a little as he turned away from the Rito. "Yeah, well, it worked didn't it?"

"In a near-death kind of way. You know, most of the time we've been together has just been you nearly killing yourself."

Link strode away, pulling his quiver tighter across his back.

Link didn't fare any better for the fourth terminal. It began fine, with Link jogging down into the base of the bird so that he could get under its wings. There, at the far end, lay the penultimate terminal. Tilting the bird so that that wing was at its lowest, he jumped up and then paraglided across.

But then something strange happened.

Link felt something whiz past his ear, and turned his head to see a buckle smack into his hand. One of the two buckles that held is glider together. The entire left holding rope and snapped cleanly, and Link felt the glider shake against the wind before it folded in on itself and Link began to plummet.

With a yell he reached out and grabbed a section of railing that thankfully had bent down, and he hauled himself up onto a small, weak platform. As the entire thing began to slide down, matching the wing, he jumped, reaching out to grab the main section of the underwing. His left hand missed completely, dropping the glider, but the fingers of his right hand curled around and held. Grunting against the pain, he grabbed onto the platform with his other hand and pulled himself up, looking back to see the now useless paraglider floating away, far away, back to the solid land of Hyrule far below.

Now in the terminal room, he activated it and climbed up the ladder. A door, thankfully, had opened, leading back into the main room.

"Oh, there you are. How did you go? Another terminal down?"

Link ignore him and continued past, pulling out a spear and throwing it with as much force as he could muster at another eye. The eye screamed – or more, kind of just blinked really loudly – and he ran through the now open doorway. There was the final terminal. Nice and easy, thankfully.

"Good job, good job!" Laughed Revali. "And you're _still_ alive. I say, that is bordering on impressive. Well, maybe not impressive… I mean it's your job to do things like this. Generally without nearly dying from bombs or hammers or snapped paragliders or the like."

"Let's just get this done." Link growled as he grabbed at the railings of a staircase angrily and climbed up to the main room, and then up further to the top of the wings. A broad expanse of mossy stone, where the chill, cold air bit at his face and-

Hold on, how did Revali know his paraglider had broken?

* * *

 **So here's a really short chapter for ya'll.  
** **I'm not going to apologise for the length (but sorry please forgive me), this is just something I whipped up since I'm pretty low on time at the moment. Just think of it as a 'part 1.'  
** **In fact, that's what I'll call this. Part 1.**

 **Because part 2 is going to be HECTIC**

 **Edit: I hate putting writing at the start of a chapter so I'll put it here:**  
 **Without spoiling anything, the next chapter is a little... dark. And messy. Everywhere.**  
 **So yeah, if you enjoy seeing everyone with all their bits and pieces still attached then... maybe just skip it. Or something.**  
 **Except we all know you'll read it anyway. Hehe. Do enjoy.**


	15. Chapter 15: Revali's Revenge

_How could he have known that I lost my paraglider if he was in the foyer the whole time?_

Link frowned in thought as he walked out onto the broad space of Vah Medoh's wings.

 _Unless he was there… And he… No, that- no!_

Everything came together.

 _The bomb. He was already there, waiting… he must have put the arrow there on purpose. And… why would he have been 'fighting Ganon' down in here? No, he trapped that pipe. Like the switch and hammer! Obviously Revali had activated the switch!_ He _was the marksman. Good enough to… to shoot an arrow through a hang glider strap. Yes, that would look like an accident…  
Oh, and the whole thing with Revali trying to shoot him when he first boarded. There was that too._

"Link? You're just… standing there. Is the glory of my beast overwhelming you?"

The boy looked up to see Revali leaning against the terminal, a cocky grin on his face. But there was something else behind that grin… anger, almost. Yes, anger that despite everything, Link was still alive.

"Well what are you waiting for? Activate it!"

Link gritted his teeth. He would deal with this later. For now, Ganon needed to be defeated. Moving up to the terminal, Link rested the slate on the dias, tense and ready to jump back. Ready for Ganon's appearance. Ready for-

"Good job, thanks a bunch Link."

The boy blinked. Wasn't this when Ganon erupted out? He took a few steps back. Maybe he was just supposed to wait. Or it would happen when he least expected-

And then suddenly, inexplicably… nothing happened.

Link blinked. He really thought something would suddenly jump-

Nope. Still nothing. He looked up at Revali. "Where's Ganon?"

"Who?  
"Ganon. Big monster thing. Raa-raar."

"Uhh… dead."

"What!? How?"  
"I killed him, obviously." Revali waltzed over to the end of the beast, ready to jump down back to the foyer.

"But then why… why am I here?"

"I had some trouble with him. A real _airhead_ , if you get my drift. Winded me a little. I'd left my bow at Rito village and had to use this goddess-aweful thing-" He held up a swallow bow. "But of course I managed. Took a lot out of me though, had to go rest for a while. It seems Ganon managed to corrupt it quite a bit, must have grown while I was asleep."

"I… oh."

"I mean I _did_ tell you I was an amazing fighter. Well, I didn't really need to tell you, did I? It's easy to tell. Just look at my power pose!" He drew back the bow and knocked an arrow, aiming at the sky. "Aren't I magnificent?"

Link didn't say anything. Something about Revali's tone unnerved him. That and the fact that the bird was waving the bow around, getting closer to him each-

Link dived out of the way as the arrow shot by, missing him by inches. He scrambled up, drawing an ancient sword and shield as he did so. Revali, meanwhile, threw his bow down and brought his wings up. "Link! I am SO sorry! I got too excited! Heavens, I nearly killed you when I let go!" Revali ran towards him, arms out. "Link! I can't apologise enough. Here, let's have a hug. We can-"

Did Revali really think Link couldn't see the knife in his wing? As Revali closed his wings Link moved the shield, positioning it between him and the blade. His sword, meanwhile, rested ready at his side. He accepted the hug.

"I'm sorry Link. I didn't… I didn't mean to..." Revali frowned. "Hit you. Lucky I… didn't..."

He glanced down, saw the shield, looked back up at Link who had an eyebrow raised. "Really Revali?"

The bird's expression changed, settled on a sour, smarmy look. "Well, here we are. I tried, I really did. It was going to be painless."

"Getting bombed in the face?"

"...Okay, maybe not that one."

"I've had enough of this. Goodbye, Revali." Link brought the sword up, swiping for the bird's chest but Revali was too fact, pecking at Link's head. He forgot Rito could do that.  
Ducking away from the snapping beak he lashed out with his foot, kicking Revali square in the leg and sending the bird sprawling. It took barely a second for the avian to jump back up, holding the dagger steady. Link didn't let him rest, sprinting towards him and jumped, sword coming down. Revali dived left as the energy blade whizzed past, cutting a few feathers, but Link kept coming with a swipe and a stab, and the bird was forced to dance between the flurries of strikes. Then he feinted left and Link fell for it, swiping up as Revali tackled him. Now on top, he brought the dagger down only to be stopped by Link's shield, but the force cracked at the frame and the energy fizzled out. The small blast gave Link enough time to bring his sword up, smacking Revali with the hilt before rolling him over. He stabbed down but Revali rolled his head around and the sword splintered into the stone. No matter.  
He grabbed a claymore and swung, but it was slow and Revali was quick, kicking Link in the shin and ducking away as the boy cursed. Revali rolled, making a grab for the bow, but skipped away as Link threw the claymore, shattering it. The bird kept away from the shrapnel as Link withdrew a spear, throwing that, but still Revali dodged. This time he pulled out a Moblin club, grinning.

"How many bloody weapons do you _have_!?" Screeched Revali as he was forced onto the defensive, dodging the massive strikes. But again they were slow, and Revali saw an opening, rolling under a swing and finally grabbing the discarded bow. Knocking an arrow, Link ducked behind a pillar as arrows began flying. Revali kept moving, forcing Link to dive away as the pillar broke under the hail, crumbling away. Exposed, Link grabbed a shield and blocked two more arrows before Revali cursed. Link looked up to see Revali holding nothing but air.  
"Why do these things break so easily? What idiot makes them!?" Instead Revali grabbed his last arrow and crouched, and before Link could stop him he sprang up into the air, using the draft to soar up. If Link had his paraglider he could have rode up after him, but instead was helpless to watch as Revali flew high and then turned, grinning. Turning into a dive, he came at Link too quickly for the boy to do anything but raise his shield, and so Revali hit it at full speed. The bird felt something crunch but used the momentum to grab the shield and keep it moving, smacking it into Link's head. Stars burst as the boy fell, scrambling away as Revali came to a stop. The shield had sharp edges, seemed to be of Royal craft. Perfect.

The bird advanced slowly, enjoying the scene of the boy scrambling around. When he got close he saw deep cuts in his face, and a hole where his left eye had once been.

"Oh, poor Link. That looks… nasty. Though the biggest shame is that you won't be able to see me kill you..." Revali brought the shield down on Link's chest, cutting deep, and turned it as blood began to pour out of the wound. Then he ripped it out as Link screamed. He watched the boy's hand scramble in his pack but find nothing.

"What are you doing? Nothing can help you now… unless you have some magical way of restoring a cut-off _leg."_ Revali grinned a brought the shield down on Link's thigh, brining it up and then down again, up and down, turning and slicing until he hit bone. Then he kept going, cracking it, enjoying Link's screams. Once enough was severed he just pulled it off.

"You know, I heard people do this with Moblin arms. Though they're already skeletons so I suppose it's different."

Link couldn't say anything, merely writhe in unspeakable pain.

"This is… quite the hilarious image. The Hero of Time- oh wait no, I think that's… are you the Hero of Time? Maybe that's someone else. Well, either way, just the 'Hero,' lying there blind, and I've got your leg..." Revali hit him with it and laughed. "Stop kicking yourself." He smashed it into Link's jaw. "Stop it. Stop it Link!" He laughed again, each sound like a screeching guffaw. "Stop it! Stop it I saw!" He kept going until Link's jaw hung loose, and a few teeth fell into his gaping thoat. "Ah, I could keep this up forever. How fun! I'm sure Mipha would enjoy this. Maybe. Probably not. Oh well, I'd make her enjoy it." He laughed one more time before turning the leg around and stuck it into Link's throat. Kind of like a weird, twisted flag. Link's body shuddered a few times, the pool of blood and leg cutting off any air that kept his heart beating. "But I suppose this is it..." Revali smiled. "It was nice knowing you. Well, no, not nice. I hate you. Hated you. In fact, I think this is the first time I've felt anything other than… well, let's just say your asinine personality didn't suit me. Your air of asininity. Your state of asininsce. If I used that correctly." He sat down next to the dying boy. "Why did you get to do all the fun stuff? Save the princess, go on adventures. Temples, seas, dungeons… all I got was a bit of postal duties and-" He growled. "Everyone loved you. Mipha, Zelda, Daruk, Mipha… they all just couldn't keep their hands of you. All they wanted was to marry you and make you shirts and _what about me?_ Nobody took me seriously. Nobody answered my long, thought out poerty texts full of love and imagery of waterfalls and wings, spears and bows intertwining in the glory of love! Nobody wanted to run away with me and live in a tree in a lake somewhere, or go flying or swimming or whatever. Nobody listened when I posted those-"

"R-revali? Is that… is that you?"

Revali looked up. He had gotten quite carried away. Before him flapped another Rito, with bright white fur and a rugged face.

"And who are you?"

"I-I'm Teba. I just came by to- have you seen Link?"

"Link?" Revali frowned. "Why Link? I'm Revali! The Rito champion!"

"Yeah, that's really cool. I though you were dead. But where's Link?"

"The Rito champion is alive! I will save you all!"  
"Yeah sure, but not without Link. Last I saw he was up here saving the divine beast."

"But _ME!_ "

" _You!_ But also I have Link's paraglider. I think he dropped it. And then I had a big long think about duty and cowardice, and went on an emotional journey, crossing mountains and-"

"I don't care."

"Right, yes. Well anyway, I just thought… I can help! Teba can help free Vah Medoh!"

"Well it's a bit late. We- _I_ , already did it."

"R-really? The beast is saved?"

"Yup. All thanks to me."

"Wow. That's… good job! That's really cool! And also thanks to Link for-"

"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ABOUT LINK!?" Yelled Revali, standing up and spreading a wing.

"I… I… what in thebloodyhellofheavenofweirdthreegoddess'inasinglegoddess is _that!?_ " Teba stretched a wing out, horrified at the bloody hunk of meat that was once Link.

"Eh? Oh, uh… that..." Revali broke off. "Crap. You weren't meant to see that."

"Did you!? Did you just!? Did!? D!? Wha!?" Teba sobbed, running over. Behind him Revali sighed, walking over to fetch the shield.

"LINK! LINK! Are you… I mean obviously you aren't okay but like are you okay!?"

Revali picked up the shield.

"LINK!" The boy twitched.  
Teba saw it, saw the jaw moving. He moved his head close.

Revali turned to them.

"What is it?"  
He felt breath on his feathers. Words. Something…

Revali began walking.

"F… fi? Fire? Four? Fo- foo? Foo?"  
Teba shook his head. What was Link saying?"

Revali stopped behind them.

"Food? Food. Why do you… food? All I've got it this worm sandwich and small packed lunch I was saving for- wait what am I saying? If that's your last wish then sure."

Revali raised the shield.

"Here." In a rather graceless moment, Teba reached over and emptied out his pack lunch down Link's throat.  
Then he stuffed the sandwich in as well.

Revali brought the shield down, and Teba crumpled.

o0o

"Oh, Teapot or whatever your name is. You really didn't have to die." Revali sighed, looking down at the Rito. He had fallen backwards, away from the body of Link.

"I'm not… I'm not dead."

"No, not yet. All I did was hit you with a shield. But you will be soon."

"Oh… bother..." Teba couldn't quite think straight. His head still span.

"Look, I won't make it too painful." Revali grinned. "Maybe I won't do the leg thing. Although it was pretty fun. Actually, I probably will. In fact you're still feeling pretty good so I'll make it last longer. I could try cutting your wings off."

"What? I… please don't cut my wings off!"

"Oh what do you care! You'll be dead soon, like him!" Revali pointed to the side, in the general direction of Link, eyes still fixated hungrily on Teba. The white Rito, however, did glance, and his eyes widened. There was Link, literally pulling his own leg out of his mouth and holding it to the bloody stump. Was he hallucinating? Yes, he must be.

"Right, now all I've got is this shield. Do you have a knife, Teapot? It'll make it easier for me."

"I, uh… I don't-"

"Ah, no matter. In fact, maybe I'll just use my talons to start with. I sharpened them recently, just before I tried shooting at Link. Although I tried shooting him a bunch of times. Hit some other Rito the first time, hit him in the thigh the next, and then managed to cut through his paraglider. I was aiming for his head. How hilarious is that?"

Teba didn't say anything. Out of the corner of his eye, Link's gaping chest was closing up and the blood was clearing.

"I suppose it all worked out in the end though. Who said people couldn't have long monologues before killing someone?"

Link's eyes reformed, lids down.  
Then they opened.  
Link's head turned, stared at Revali, and within them fire burned.

"Well, no point waiting around eh Teapot? May as well get started. You know, I used to like making garments out of my own feathers. Now I get to use some other Rito's. How exciting!"

"Revali."

"I, eh?" The bird turned, looking up.

There was Link, standing tall, a hand on a strong, silver Zora shield.

No sound came out of Revali's gaping beak. The shield fell out of his wing as he pointed, first at Link and then at the empty stone ground, still soaked with a small pool of blood, then back at Link.

"You… I… but-"

Link grinned. "I know. It's asinine, isn't it?" He brought the shield crashing down on revali's head. The bird staggered back but Link kept walking, smashing, walking and smashing, right to the edge of Vah Medoh's wing. Revali stumbled but Link reached forward and caught him, throwing him to the ground. He crouched over the bird. "It's been a looooong time since I killed someone. It's felt like six chapters- of my life. Like, six sections. Not literal chapters, that would be ridiculous. And monsters don't count. Ah, don't mind my ramblings." Link grinned and gave Revali's bloodied head another smash. The bird's eyes rolled a little, having trouble focusing on Link. All he could see was the boy's wide, white grin. "You know, Revali? I heard you chatting away. And some of the stuff you said… sounded pretty fun." Link withdrew a knife. A giant's knife. Well, another claymore, but close enough. "Wings, did you say?" He held the blade to the small joint connecting the Rito's wings to his torso.

"N-noo, L-nk...ink...Link… pl-pla...es… ple-"

Link turned, flinging the blade over his shoulder as the blood cut cleanly through, slicing Revali's wings as the Rito screamed. He made quick work of the other and held them out in front of the armless bird. "There. Happy? You deserved this. Oh and Teba?" He turned. Teba lay on the floor, drifting in and out of conciousness. "Do NOT tell Mipha about this. She'd probably die."

"N-no worries mum."

"I… what? Never mind." He turned back to Revali, who writhed around, beak foaming. "Maybe this was a little overboard. I won't set you on fire then. Flames would be bad. No… no flames please." Link crouched down. "Look, I'll make it quick, unlike you did for me. Even now… you have no idea what you did to me. I think you made me go insane. Unless I already was… but I can blame the ressurection shrine. Anyway… goodbye Revali. It was terrible knowing you."

And Link shoved Revali away, off the edge of Divine Beast Vah Medoh, and watched the Rito fall just like his paraglider had before.

o0o

Back at Rito, things were a lot less dark. Bright, in fact. The birds sang happily as Link walked through the village.

Teba had woken up, eventually, with only a slightly bruised head. With Vah Medoh on autopilot he and Linke had flown down to the village and quickly found Revali's old Sheika slate. They had cracked the passcode quickly – Rev is Gr8 – and wiped the profile, creating one for Teba. Opening an app called "Champion initiator," they quickly established Teba as a sort of temporary champion. He was emailed instructions for piloting the divine beast and flew back up, landing it on the rock pillar's stand thingo on his first try.

His paraglider was fixed by the bow maker, whose wing had miraculously healed, and then he had headed down to the clothing shop. That had been interesting.

"Y-you have t-t-the sk-iiiin?"

"Better. You like feathers, huh?"

"F-feathers! O-offff course!"

"Then here. Make me a new outfit. I kind of recked mine. These… are genuine Rito Champion Wings!"

"FFFFEATHERS!" The Rito screeched in delight and scampered off, making Link a complete new suit in record time. He seemed to forget that Link still owed him a bunch of rupees, but Link felt quite happy walking around in Revali.

And so, that was that. Divine Beast Vah Medoh was ready to go, the Rito People were happy, and all was good. Link almost felt he could end the adventure here. It felt like all loose ends were tied up and-

"Link!" A Rito called out. "There are monster nests springing up everywhere, and they're all saying their going to kill you!"  
"Link!" Called another. "I've just seen your horse being kidnapped by a bunch of angry bokoblins!"  
"Link!" Called another. "There seems to be some weird clan forming just north of Gerudo Town!"  
"Link!" Called yet another. "Impa's wondering around trying to find you! She's determined to give you more quest details!"  
"Link!" Called _yet_ another. "You forgot to get the heart container again. Wherever it was!"  
"Link!" Called another even. "The Hylian goddess wants to talk to you about destroying statues!"  
"Link!" Called another. "The monks want to talk to you about destroying shrines!"  
"Link!" Called yet _another_. "The old man, or king or whatever, wants to see you again! He's feeling lonely!"  
"Link!" Called _another_. "Ganon's still around and destroying the world and everything!"

Link sighed. This was getting out of hand.

Well, at least it couldn't get worse than this.

 _Ring. Ring._ That was Link's Sheikah Slate. He didn't realise it had a call functionality. He picked it up. "Uh, hello?"

"Link! How nice to hear your voice!"

"Mipha! Oh my gosh! How are you?"

"I'm really good Link! Now that you're here, anyway!"

Aww.

"How did Vah Medoh go?"

Link cleared his throat. "We've wrestled back control but… I'm afraid..."

Mipha was quiet for a moment. Then, "Revali?"

"Yeah. He's… I'm sorry."

Mipha sighed sadly. "It's a big shame. He was excellent with his bow, if a little hotheaded. He scared me sometimes. And sent me a bunch of poetry."

"What?"

"But now's not the time. Anyway, Link sweetie?"

"Yes darling?"

"Just a slight problem. Hope you don't mind me telling you..."

"No worries! What's up?"

"Well you see… I felt like I wanted to help the cause somehow..."

"Help with fighting Ganon? I know, you said."

"Yeah, well, I figured I'd try and do something and, well..."

"Mipha..?"

"I'm in a spot of trouble."

"I'll come as quick as I can. Were are you? Lake Hylia? Greta River? The Hylian ocean?"

"No, uh..."

"Then were?"

Mipha hesitated. "Um..."

"Where, Mipha?"

"Death Mountain."

wWw

 _Ten hours earlier_

"Sir!"

"Ah, Tasseren, there you are." Giro smiled. "Brigo is dealt with?"

"He will never be heard from again." Tasseren raised an eyebrow. "Didn't we already discuss this?"

"Ah, yes, you're right. Just a refresher then." Giro winked at no one in particular. "So, how goes the training?"

"It is complete."

"Brilliant! So, we have an entire army of sneaky ninjas at our disposal?"

"We do, sir. Only problem is, we needed to help make them strong and we may have… overused the mighty bananas."

"What?"  
"They appear to… well, have become a little bit addicted."

"Huh. Well, as long as it doesn't impede on their ability to guard the fortress. Like, as long as they can't be lured away from their posts or anything."

"I doubt that would happen." They both laughed.

"Well," Giro said. "I'm glad. As for you, head to Kakariko Village. I want to plant you as a spy."

"Kakariko? But… that's where my family are! I don't want to bring them into this-"

"Too late, dear fellow. I've captured them already. Maybe I'll kill your wife. I don't know yet. Either way, head to Kakariko, and maybe even steal that orb or something. I'm sure no one will notice, and I'm especially sure that idiotic Hero won't somehow get in the way and solve everything."

"You… you monster!"

"It had to be done."

Spluttering, Tasseren scrambled off, accompanied by a few guards. A few minutes later, Mellie came in.

"Sir?"

"Mellie, of the plums and dead husband."

"Ah, it must be serious to use my formal name."

"Indeed. I have a few things for you to do. Firstly, I need a really cool badass ninja name. Secondly, Tasseren has become… unavailable. Have Bugut teach me basic martial arts. Thirdly, head over to Gerudo town and steal me a hat or something. I feel an exotic antiques to display in a chest in my private chamber."

"Anything else?"  
"Yes, just one more. I've heard of an ancient book that holds amazing spells. Apparently there's a "summon giant metal ball of death" spell. I want it."

"It will be done sir."

"Wonderful. You are my new, most trusted assistant."

"I am honoured."  
"Off you go now, and send in Higgins."

A bit later, the red hinox came in.

"Sir?" He asked in his low, deep voice.

"Higgins, how are the monsters feeling?"

"A little anxious. They thought the hero would be here by now."

"Well maybe he's just a little caught up or something. Who knows. Anyway, I think for now it'd be best if they scatter out in organised groups. Tell them I'll have some of my soldiers help build them tree forts or caves or whatever they want. It isn't like they could make it themselves."  
"I think they'd like that."

They both laughed evilly for no particular reason.

Rrr

 _The water was cold. The chilled surface stung when he hit it, but he felt nothing of the pain. He had gone numb, almost passed out from shock of bloodloss._

 _He had no idea how, had no memory of it, but somehow he made it to shore, dragged himself up onto the wet, grassy bank. Blood poured freely, and his vision was blurry. Getting darker by the second._

 _The blood was slick, and he felt himself began to slide back down into the water when suddenly a light burst into view. And then another._

 _With the last of his strength, he looked up._

 _Three guardians standing around him. Staring. Unmoving._

 _One extended an arm, picked him up. Together they turned and began marching smoothly over the hill. Everything was fragmented..._

 _He heard something crackle from a speaker nearby. Part of the guardian._

"Stay with me, stay awake. Keep your eyes open. Focus on the sky. I need you. I need your help. I can't do this alone."

 _Everything was so very dim. Dimmer… darker…_

 _Yet his beak moved without him controlling it. Uttered a single word, the embodiment of the voice._

"Zelda?"

"Stay with me Revali."

* * *

 **Well DAMN.**  
 **DAMN.**  
 **DAAAAAMMN.**

 **So much to say.**  
 **There you have it folks. That chapter had a lot of everything. Firstly:**  
 **NO, I am NOT psychopathic. But Yes, that was probably the most intensely gory I've ever written. So hey.**  
 **Hope that wasn't too horrible.**  
 **I gotta say, beating the living crap out of Revali was the most satisfying things I've done in a long time.**  
 **And indeed, things are going places.**  
 **I pledge to tie up EVERY loose end I mentioned. Even if the knot is extremely loose and flimsy and also more of a bow than a knot.**

 **Ah, so much more to say but you know what? I'll leave it at that.**

 **Stay sane, sisters**


	16. Chapter 16: Fish out of lava

"So… You know I love you more than the world, big sis-"

"Aw, how sweet!" Mipha giggled.

Prince Sidon held up a fin. "You didn't let me finish. You know I love you more than the world, but I really just gotta say… I think you stuffed up."

Mipha frowned at him slightly. "Oh."

"You don't agree?"

The male Zora sighed and shuffled uncomfortably when Mipha cocked her head. "Look, sis, I know you want to help, but I don't think this was the best way to go about it. Death mountain isn't really the best place for us Zoras. Because of the, you know, fire and everything."

"I know, I know." Mipha sighed, emptying another flask of water over her dry scales. "But if we're quick we'll be fine."

"And normally I'd agree with you, sweety pie. But-" Sidon took in their surrounding. They stood on a small island, surrounded by lava. "But I'm not sure how we're getting out of this."

Mipha nodded sadly and threw the empty waterskin into the lava pool. They only had a few dozen left. Sidon stretched, flexing his handsome muscle as he looked over what they had at their disposal.

"Rocks… some more rocks. A bit of metal, some iron… and a few more rocks. Hrm, this really isn't looking good."

"I just phoned Link, he said he'd be over as soon as possible."

"And where is he currently?"

Mipha hesitated. "Well, it depends what you..." She trailed off, then sighed. "Rito village."

"Rito village!? That's a day away on foot!"

"We'll be fine, don't worry about it dear brother. He has a horse!"

o0o

"Right, so, no horse then." Link grumbled to himself. Gladio's absence was distressing. Apparently, the poor thing had been kidnapped, and as much as he wanted to embark on a sidequest to find him, his main issue was Mipha. Perhaps the horse could help, but he wasn't even sure where Gladio had been kidnapped _too._ And without an omniscient voice to help him, Link was at a loss.

"Right, maybe if I grab another horse..."

But no matter how far he ran, not a single animal was in sight. He did try riding a bear, and at first it went pretty well, but then he fell off and ended up with some rather nasty scratches. With nothing else at his disposal, he merely sprinted in short bursts over the grassy fields. Short bursts, because he really just didn't have the stamina. He kind of wished there was some mystical way of increasing it quickly and easily, but apart from steroids and going to the gym for ten hours straight, he really didn't have any way to do that.

At least he could _see_ his destination; death mountain rose high above all parts of Hyrule. Indeed, if something strange were to ever happen to it, it would be plainly visible, and hence some annoying entity wouldn't need to keep repeating phrases about it.  
Not that such events ever occurred, of course.  
And then something miraculous happened…

He came upon a stable! Ignoring the shrine for now – which felt very odd to do – he ran down and screeched to a stop at the counter.

"Keeper! Keeper! I need a horse!"

The old stable owner sidled slowly up. "A horse?"

"Yes, and quick!"  
"You need a quick horse?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, sure, that would help."

"It's just you said, "and quick!" Does that mean "a quick horse," or you "need a horse quick"?"

Link blinked. "Uh… both I suppose."

"Oh, right, well..." The old man paused. "Let me see what we have."

Moving back into the stable/inn, Link waited for what seemed like forever until the owner finally came back out. Waddling to the outside area where the horses were normally kept, he stared at the horse-housing for a long time. Eventually, he looked back at Link. "I'm afraid we don't have any."

"What? But… I can _see_ that!" Link yelled, pointing to the empty stable. "But can't you just… I don't know… conjure up a horse or something!?"

"Oh, my dear boy no. This isn't a game or anything."

Link growled and threw his arms up into the air. "Then how am I suppose to get to death mountain in time to save my fiancee? It's not like I can fly or any-" Link paused, listening. Besides the casual stable music, something else drifted over the sky. The sound of an… accordion.

Link turned and looked at the proud blue Rito, who had been watching the conversation. Kass blinked at him, then at the stable owner, then at death mountain, then back Link. He shook his head.

"Pleeease?" Link pleaded, clasping his hands together. "It's a situation of life or death!"

"But I… I..." The bird sighed. "If it's that serious, fine. But I can't fly you all the way… I'll literally burn up in the sky."

"And?" Link shrugged, but when Kass frowned at him he pouted and nodded. "Fine. Just as far as you can, please."

Kass put his accordion down and crouched, and Link pulled himself onto the Rito's large back. As Kass moved to the cliff edge – Tabatha Bridge stables lay near Tanagar Canyon – and prepared to take off, he turned and grumbled at Link. "I expect a good tip from this."

Link pulled out a diamond. "Will this do? Everyone seems obsessed with these."

"That'll do!" Kass grinned, suddenly full of grand prospects, such as selling his accordion and starting a small real estate agency near the south end of Hyrule, where house prices were skyrocketing. And that kind of thing.

o0o

Unfortunately, as one might have expected, Link's plan to use Kass to fly the entire way to death mountain did not go as planned. For the first few miles everything was fine, but as they crossed Hyrule field they were promptly hailed with laser missiles from the guardians below. They evaded the first few with great success, but then Kass got cocky and started showing off, trying to impress the Hero of Time. Or, whatever Link was… nobody was really sure at this point. When Kass initiated a barrel-roll, one of the guardians had by that point wised up to the whole thing and used one of its large arms to smash Kass in the groin. The bird had screeched and plummeted, and if Link hadn't used his paraglider and a strong grip with his knees to slow their fall, they would have crashed for sure. However, the two managed to get back into the air, by which time a flying guardian – because apparently those were things now – shot Kass straight in the leg. At this point, Link wisely chose to abandon ship, jumping off the bird and paragliding over a small hill, finishing with a neat landing at Orsedd Bridge, a dilapidated old thing just east of the castle itself.

 _That's the only good thing about not having Mipha by my side._ Link decided as he listened to the sounds of Kass being torn apart by the guardians. _Nobody to tell me what to do, and how to be all 'nice' and crap. I may as well enjoy this while it lasts._  
And to prove his point, Link kicked a nearby korok into the river.

Just past Orsedd Bridge was a large hill, and it took Link a good few minutes to climb to the top. There, he found a large collection of tree trunks, huge in circumference, but none more than a metre or two high. _Where in Hyrule did these come from? These trees must have been huge._

"These were once the biggest trees in existence. What you see here is only a part of what was once their splendour."

Link turned in surprise to see a wizrobe looking thoughtfully upwards. He went to draw his sword but the strange creature merely giggled in that annoying way they did. "Do not be hasty, unkiddish one. I am merely a watcher of the Archtrees."

"The… what?"

The wizrobe sported a long, grey beard that nearly reached the ground the thing floated above. In its hands it held a long staff with a bell-end on its tip. "Indeed, the Archtrees. Immortal, once, before the great calamity."

"Right..."

"The calamity!" Yelled the wizrobe, really getting into the spirit of the whole thing. He hadn't spoken to anyone in years. "At the beginning of time! When lightening first crashed through the sky! The dragons, once immortal, shed their scales! You can do it yourself! Just shoot one of those dragon dudes! Try it!"

Link backed away slightly. "Okay… sure..."

"Ah, but do not forget… at the fading of the sun, the unkiddish ones will rise..."

Link got out his bow.

"And the great bell will toll. As it did for you… you woke after one hundred years of death, did you not?"

Link paused, an arrow knocked in the bow and pointing toward the wizrobe's head. "What? How… how'd you know that?"

"Because I tolled it! Well, a friend of mine did… it's an app on the Sheikah Slate, kind of like an alarm." The wizrobe waved a cloaked sleeve. "But that's beside the point. See, currently, the lord beast Ganon resides in the castle… you must defeat him! But first, you must reduce four other beasts to ashes in order to progress! And of course, there are other minor bosses along the way! And some companions which you can summon for help! And lots of different swords! And shields! And there's a bunch of armour! And the enemies routinely keep appearing! And there are fires that you can sit at to pass time and regain health! And-"

Link didn't really have any idea what the old geezer was getting at, so he released the arrow and the wizrobe fell to the ground, vanquished. A small, glowing ball appeared above its corpse, and when Link looked closer he suddenly found it appear in his inventory.

 _Soul of the Old One… what in Hyrule could that be? Ooh, and some Ashes of the Wizrobe. Well… maybe I'll find some use for these later…_ And with that, Link went merrily on his way.

o0o

Determined not to be distracted any longer, Link skipped past the Woodland Stable and even a Sheikah Tower – Link meant _business._ Eventually, after negotiating a steep ridge, he found himself in the thin strip of forest; Minshi Woods. He was running by now, eating the occasional swift carrot to spur himself on, and was making good time in-

"Link!? Link!"

The boy in question glanced to his left. There stood a korok, taller than he was used to, and it held a little staff in its hands. "Holy Hyrule! It's Link! It's you!"

"Yeah, I… I'm Link..?"

"The hero of time!"

"The Hero of Time!" Yelled another voice, and a second korok appeared. "Use capitals!"

"Look, dudes, it's cool you know my name but-"

"We've been waiting so long for you! Come, quick, to the Great Hyrule Forest! The Deku Tree awaits!"

"Oh, uh… yeah..." Link slowed to a stop, rubbing the back of his neck. "I can't really right now… see, my girlfriend is-"

"The master sword!" Yelled the korok.

"The Master Sword!" Yelled the second. Link frowned at them. "Guys, seriously, I can't stop."

"But in order to kill Ganon, you need to the sword!"

"Yes, kill **Gannon** with the sword!"

"Later, 'kay? I've gotta go save Mipha!"

The two koroks stared at him. "Seriously? We're trying to give you the master sword and you're just not gonna take it?"

"Well… no. I'm not, I've got more important things."

"More _Important_ than the _MASTER SWORD!?_ "

"Yeah."

"The Master Sword is, like, the staple icon of Hyrule! How can you refuse it?"

Link started jogging again, and the Koroks struggled to keep up. "I'm just too busy. Sorry, I'll come back later and get it."

"The forest is literally just to your left! Like, a couple of minutes away max! And then we can just give it to you!"

"Thanks, but no thanks."

The koroks growled. "Look, if you don't come now, we can make things very difficult."

"Oh? And how is that?" Link drawled as he jumped over a tree branch and sped up a little. The Koroks panted as they ran harder. "We'll… we'll… put a trap on it!"

"Yeah!" Said the second.

"A trap?"

"Yeah, and… and… you'll have to have a bunch of strength to pull it out!"

Link flexed a little. "I'm pretty strong."

"No, but… you'll need hearts! From heart containers!"

 _Ah, those things. That I've managed to miss from every divine beast so far._ "Yeah, well, whatever." And Link sped off, leaving the two little tree people fuming in his wake.

"You know what?" Said the first Korok as they watched Link disappear. "Let's make him play some stupid minigames before he gets the sword."

"Yeah. And I'll make sure he gets lost a bunch of times in the lost woods. I have this neat torch trick."

And they both laughed evilly.

* * *

 **Right, so, I mean... that was a bit crap really, wasn't it?  
** **I mean it took about 10 billion days to come out and... yeah.  
I've prepared a few excuses.**  
 ***Ahem.***  
 **1) Navigation of school exams, and preparing to finish year 12 and become a full-fledged adult.**  
 **2) Simultaneously laughing and crying at the prospect of part 1)**  
 **3) Just general laziness really**  
 **4) A whole new, proper, original novel! How exciting. So that'll be out somewhere sometime. Maybe.**

 **So yeah. I'm not gonna promise a proper chapter anytime soon, possibly because Link doesn't have any money and no more potions so he's literally burning while he's walking around, but once exams are all done then I'll have a good four months of LITERALLY NOTHING so I'll definitely write more to stop myself going insane.**

 **Right, well, yeah.**  
 **Kay bye**


	17. Chapter 17: Things are heating up

Link wasn't feeling so great as he paraglided into Goron village from the nearby Sheika tower. Partly because he was so worried about his aquatic fiancee, and partly because the flight with Kass had given him some painful chaffing, and partly because he'd tripped over earlier and skinned his knee, and partly because his bones had needed to re-heal themselves so many times they sort of just chronically hurt, and partly because he hadn't slept in a few days. But really, if he had to put it down to one thing, Link would have to say that it was because he was _literally on fire._

Yes, the fresh death mountain air was definitely not suited to Link's poor flesh and blood. His clothes were covered in burning embers and his wooden shield had burnt away to nothing. If it wasn't for the mass of fruits and fish he'd cooked earlier, his skin would have melted to his bone. As it was, when he looked down he could see long lines of glistening red, raw flesh peeling away from his legs.

He'd been lucky enough to snag a few potions from a wondering Goron, just 20 rupees each, and they'd got him as far as the tower. But after that he'd realised that if Goron City didn't have anything that could help him, he'd probably perish. But the thought of just what Mipha must be going through spurred him on, and so here he was, a smouldering mass of cooked meat sailing down toward a rock village.

Narrowly missing a lava pool, he ignored the Goron wearing a fancy loincloth – probably the chief – and gulped down a meal of cooked mushrooms. Staring around the area, he spotted a squat building at the far side of the village with a crude drawing of a shirt. Now completely naked, he sprinted down the path whilst simultaneously shoving a fish down his gullet. He was pretty much running on burnt stumps and the pain was absolutely excruciating, but he just pictured Mipha on fire and gritted his teeth.

"Well hey there! You- woah man, you're in no state to be outside!" The friendly shop-keeper Goron commented as he/she/they leant heavily on the counter.

"You don't say. Go any fireproof armour or anything?"

"Oh, um… mabye, let me check." The Goron slowly stood up and turned, checking the stock. "Um..."

"Yes, you do, that's it right there. Can I buy that?" Link ate a crab and his cheeks reformed from the molten pool of gore they'd been before.

"Yes you can. But you'll need to go over and get it."

"What?"

"That's how shops work. You can't just ask me to buy it! You have to head over to each item and individually ask me."

"Oh for- whatever." Link crawled over as his melting feet left a smear on the shop floor. "Right, pants. How much?"

"600 rupees, sir."

"I'll buy it."

"Well give me the rupees then. And hey, before you put on the clothes please."

Link growled in frustration and dragged himself forward, retrieving the rupees from his strangely-completely-unburned inventory. Then his hand melted so he had to eat a bug which tasted gross but hey, he was nearly out of food. "Here's your dumb money."

"Thanks! Now go put it on, you can't be so casual about burning to death!"

Link did just that, and felt his lower body cool significantly. Amazing technology, this suit. Unfortunately, that didn't stop his entire ribcage bursting out of his tight, charred skin and clattering onto the floor. The Goron just looked at it in confusion, but before they could say anything Link pointed to the top half. "And the suit?"

"Oh, uh… 600 rupees as well."

"Uh oh… I only have 576."

"Well that's a shame. These things happen."

Link looked at them incredulously. "I can't just give you 576? Pay you back later? I have no shoulders."

"Then you don't need the suit. Look, it's store policy, the boss will kill me."

"Who's the boss? Can I speak to them?" Link was finding it hard to talk, what with his gums seeping through his teeth. His eyes were about to pop as well.

"Actually, I'm the boss. But I'm also suicidal so I'm willing to kill myself if I break store policy."

"Hey, woah, not cool. Suicide is a serious thing, get some help. We don't want letters, and many people suffer serious health conditions. Don't make fun of them." Then Link's eyes exploded all over the shop. The Goron wiped the stuff away. "You're right, that was insensitive. Look, do you have something you can sell? A gem or something?"

Link popped an ancient screw into his mouth, but due to the rules of this particular dimension it didn't work. However, it _did_ work when mixed with a frog, even if it was absolutely disgusting. "Actually I do. Want a topaz?"

"Oh, I suppose. Let's make it quick. I'll give you 180 for it."

"Deal." Link threw the topaz at the Goron, along with the rest of the rupees and also his fingernails and a thumb, which just sort of flew off. Then he slipped into rest of the suit, eating his very last scrap of food; a live fairy. It screamed but Link didn't really care. He got a burst of energy from it, and as his internal organs re-arranged he looked at the final armour piece. A helmet.

"How much?" Link asked.

"Actually, you only need two bits of armour."  
"Huh. How weird."

"I know, right? But anyway, you couldn't afford it."

"Really? I've got a bunch of diamonds burning a hole in my pocket. Well they were… they aren't now in this cool suit."

"Don't ask me why but the helmet is 2000 rupees."

"What!? That's more than the other two bits combined."

"Yeah, but see this other guy is giving one away for free, he just wants fireproof lizards."

"So wouldn't you bring the price down?"

"I… uh..." The Goron scratched their head. "Maybe. I'm not good at maths, I eat literal rocks."

"Well, cool. Anyway, thanks for your help I suppose. I better be off."

"Aright! Have fun!"

Link's next course of action was to find Mipha. Link had no idea how to call Mipha back using the Sheika Slate, so as he ran past the cheiftan he'd seen earlier he tapped him on the shoulder.

"Drat! That blasted Rudania!" Growled the chief.

"Uh… what?"

"With Rudania runnin' wild recently, Death Mountain's eruptions have gotten real bad."

The Goron spoke with a strange accent that brought to mind Hylian cows and this weird southern contraption called a gun. But that was just a dream. Link tried to interject but the Goron kept up his grumbling.

"Do you see Rudania stompin' around up there? It's messing with our mining operations, and all its robots are picketing with signs that be sayin' "Stop Fracking" or some gravel like that. Also we have a bunch of canons. Just sayin'. Not that you'd want to use them or anything." The chief cleared his throat. "Anyway, what d'ya want?"

"A Zora! Have you seen one? Red, beautiful, the love of my life."

"Oh yeah, I saw him."

"Great! Where- wait, him?"

"Yeah, the handsome fellow, some prince or something. Wouldn't mind giving him my prized rock some time. Really shatter his boulder, if you know what I mean."

"Uh… right. But… _Sidon?_ There- was there another one with him?"  
"Some princess I think. I dunno, she's a female, we Goron's don't care much for females. We're all male, after all."

"Really? Then how do you-" Link shook his head. "Wait, this isn't the time. Where'd they go?"

"Over to the abandoned north mine in search of my idiot son. I think they were going to blow up Rudania. Which would have been nice. Maybe they're dead though, who knows. Oh, also, my back's completely broken so that's sad. Just thought you'd like to know again. Oh and I have a son. Did I mention that? Go find him and fix my problems."

"Right..." And with that, the worried adventurer was off.

The abandoned north mine was probably better described as a military training site. Link didn't quite know why so many canons were needed for mining. In fact, the Gorons were just using them to shoot lizalfos for sport. Ignoring them, Link ran to the edge and jumped, paragliding down into the mass of rocks that floated in the lava pool's centre. There, he could see a small gathering of lizalfos harassing some small weirdo Goron. Probably the chief's son. Link ignored him for now, staring desperately around. "Mipha… Mipha, where are you? If- if I was a Zora, where would I go? Not to death mountain for a start… wait!" Link looked back up to where he'd jumped off. The brother and sister wouldn't have had the handy piece of cloth – that, now that Link thought about it, was curiously fire-proof. Running back to where he'd jumped, he shimmied up the rock and backtracked, looking down the main path until – yes! There, two Zoras leaning on eachother, one of them waving a staff at- at another pack of lizalfos! Link gave a warcry and sprinted down the path, drawing his bow and barely even aiming before firing. Luckily for everyone, the arrow sink into the flank of one of the four lizard things, and it let out a scream as it fell into the lava. Drawing an axe, Link threw it as hard as he could into the face of the nearest lizalfos, the axe splintering the ridge between the monster's eyes and slicing deep into brain tissue. It was dead before it hit the ground.

Given an opening, Sidon drew a Zora sword and plunged it into the back of the third lizard, and keep pushing until the entire thing – hilt and all – was inside its belly. Sliding it cleanly out, Link saw a heart pierced neatly on the end. A nice move. Link had never seen Sidon fight before.  
But Mipha… oh, _Mipha._ The gorgeous darling lept high into the air, bringing the trident down with such force that the lizalfos was cut cleanly in two, blood spurting over Link as he watched in amazement. Their eyes met and lit up, and Sidon grinned as the two embraced.

"Mipha! You're okay! Thank the goddess, I don't know what I would have done if-"

"We're here now. And with no time to lose, we've only got two flasks of water left."

"What? Water? Oh yeah, and how exactly are you not burning alive right now?"

Mipha tapped her forehead, where a ruby circlet sat prettily between her fins. Sidon had one too.

"Huh, neat trick. Wish I'd know about it."

"Yeah, nice armour. Look, can we scram? We've got to destroy Rudania and-"

"Hey, woah, no. You two are going back home."

"What? No, we're here now, and we're going to help!"

"You almost died!"

"We had it under control. Kind of."

"You only have two flasks of water! Whatever that means."

"And a flask will last us about half an hour. That's plenty to get in, complete the puzzles, kill the evil thing and then get out!"

"It really isn't."

"No, it isn't, but you owe me so we're going together."

Link raised an eyebrow. "I owe you?"

"Yup."

"For what exactly?"

Mipha grinned, raised her trident, then smashed it down into the talons of the first lizalfos, who had been slithering up from the lava and reaching for Link's shoes. The thing screamed as it clutched its handless arm, and Mipha reached up to lightly kiss Link's cheek. "For that. Now let's go." 

* * *

Hah! Fooled you all, thinking I wouldn't write another chapter for ages  
Except I fooled myself too, I have no idea where this came from. I was just at my computer and then BANG. This pile of... stuff.

Gotta say though, I love the fact that there's a completely new dialogue sequence in the Goran shop if you enter it while you're actually, genuinely on fire.  
(It was a very stressful time. I had three hearts and ate ALL of my meals. But hey, that's all part of the fun!)

Also, I feel like I should clean this up; yes, you've probably all clued in that the disgruntled townspeople are genuinely making the Yiga clan.  
"But wait!" I here you say. "The Yiga were in the past as well!" "Also you're amazing and we all love you."  
"Thankyou! And, why yes!" I reply to you, dear reader. "But I think in this version of Hyrule the Yiga clan kinda died out during the hundred years that Link was asleep. Remember that they happened to find a mysteriously 'empty' hideout to go into. But also, maybe they're going to travel through an interdimensional portal. Who knows?"  
I certainly don't.


End file.
